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    Lisa Schwaller Coaching

    Certified Life Coach

    Archives for July 2020

    Surprising Feelings: Jealousy

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    One of the most challenging aspects of self-coaching for me is learning to get in touch with my emotions. Not just labeling them but – ACK! – feeling them. Like with my body and stuff!

    I see the benefits of this touchy-feely feeling practice now. As a result, I consistently practice feeling my emotions. 

    This increases my general awareness of my feelings. 

    One emotion that has been popping up with more regularity is…

    jealousy

    Gross! I do not want to be a jealous person. At this stage of life, I am what I am, I love myself, and I am full of expansive love for other people. Truly, I feel in a nirvana enlightened state a fairly high percentage of the time. 

    So…jealousy? It’s at all kinds of things, a pretty outfit or someone’s financial fortune. 

    And then, finally, my coach mind caught up to my Observer mind and I had an epiphany:

    The jealousy was not wanting what person X had for myself. 

    It is an indication of my increasing self-awareness of my general desire. 

    I want things. After years of feeling anxious about, um, everything, it’s so encouraging to be a thought away from so many beautiful wishes. It’s a 180 degree shift from feeling overwhelmed.

    Are there emotions surprising you lately? What are your heart and mind trying to bring to your attention? Be curious and see what beautiful lessons await. 

    I want to be your coach! Sign up for a free consultation.  

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    My Very Best Friend

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    What is your relationship with yourself?

    Do your thoughts about yourself sound like an impatient parent scolding a child?

    How does that make you feel?

    Probaby awesome, inspired and motivated to make big, healthy, positive changes!

    NOT!

    Think about what the world would be like if we were all our own best friend first. How would it feel to love ourselves that much?

    Now, in most cases, we love our best friends because of how we feel when we’re in their company.

    We feel supported. Or like our individuality is seen, recognized, and valued. 

    In time, the relationship grows. We earn each other’s trust through positive shared experiences. 

    We learn that we can really, really count on that person to be there for us in times of celebration and need. 

    How does your best friend talk to you? How do you talk to your best friend?

    Does it match the way you talk to yourself? 

    Imagine this…

    Something awesome happens! Your best friend says, “Meh, that was a fluke. Anyone could do that?”

    Or, imagine making a mistake.  Your best friend says, “Oh, how could you do that! That was pretty stupid. You’ll never get to your goal doing that!”

    How you talk to yourself about yourself is the most important choice you’ll make. 

    It really does seem true that we can only love others to the level at which we love ourselves. 

    So…hold yourself to high standards if that works for you. Just…be friendly and supportive in the process. 

    I want to be your coach! Sign up for a free consultation.  

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    Second Chances (or Third or Ninety-Second Chances)

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    You made a mistake. You are working on forgiving yourself by thinking helpful thoughts.

    Time to move on. 

    Do you think you deserve second chances? How do you feel about other people getting second chances?

    Do you think some mistakes are so unforgivable that the person should never get another chance?

    A lot of stress in our relationships – including the one with ourselves! – is the feeling that past performance is an indicator of future results. 

    Maybe that’s true sometimes. 

    Maybe not. 

    What if every choice, every interaction, every chance is a new start? 

    One of my favorite phrases is this:

    “You win or you learn.”

    You wouldn’t see a baby learning to walk and say, “Yeah, pfft, that kid will never learn. She should stick to crawling.”

    But we say that to ourselves and the people in our lives all day long. 

    A key part of coaching is the belief that each day brings a new chance. 

    It’s your thoughts and actions TODAY that matter to me as your coach. What you did yesterday was learning. I believe everything is possible to you today and tomorrow no matter what you did yesterday or last year or what happened to you when you were 8. 

    The power of coaching is the belief that we get unlimited chances and have unlimited opportunity. 

    How. Cool. Is. That?

    I want to be your coach! Sign up for a free consultation.  

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    Forgiving Yourself

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    Last time, we talked about noticing your response to making mistakes.

    I suggested that how you view mistakes and how you feel about yourself when you make them is a contributor to your stress.

    You and I are going to make mistakes. No matter how we plan and prepare, sometimes things do not go the way we expect them to go. 

    We might mess up when no one notices, or in front of someone important to us. 

    Some of us have a really strong self-critical response to making a mistake. 

    “How could I have been so stupid to…?”

    “When will I ever learn that…?”

    “I knew I wasn’t good enough for…”

    Forgiving yourself isn’t a woo-woo self-care exercise. It’s a key part of managing your brain. It’s essential to developing the resiliency to handle stress. 

    A few thoughts on your self-talk when you make a mistake:

    • When you make a mistake, do you talk to yourself like you’d talk to your child or your best friend?
    • Where did you learn to talk to yourself like that? 
    • When you make a mistake, is how you talk to yourself helpful?

    At the end of the day, the secret to managing stress is to love yourself so much that you develop the habit of noticing your thoughts and choosing ones that help you. 

    You may worry that being nice to yourself will encourage you to “get away with” sub-standard behavior. I think being critical is a blocker to managing your stress for better performance. 

    So, you made a mistake. How do you move on? Perhaps think helpful thoughts like:

    • Well, now I learned a way that I do NOT want to do this next time.
    • Humans make mistakes. I’m human. Chances are, I’ll make a mistake too, then. 

    When you think helpful thoughts, you open the door to a second chance which I’ll talk about next time. 

    I want to be your coach! Want to know more about my coaching approach? Sign up for a free consultation.  

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    Making Mistakes

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    How do you feel when you make a mistake?

    Do you have a different feeling when you make a big mistake instead of a small mistake?

    Do you feel differently about your mistake when only you notice versus when the mistake happens in front of someone else?

    Understanding how you respond to your missteps is a key part of learning how to control your stress. 

    Stress is usually about unmet expectations, for yourself or the situations and people in your life. 

    The word “should” is an indicator that your mind might be generating stress.

    Recently I had an experience where I felt like I made a big mistake. I’ve worked very deliberately to become a “better” version of myself. On that night, I stepped into an old habit and it happened in front of someone else. Someone that I’m trying to “convince” that I’ve “changed.” 

    So many things are wrong with that situation, including trying to craft my behaviors to get a response from someone else. For now, though, we’ll stick with me feeling like I’d made a “big mistake” and “blew it” – meaning I risked the relationship I am trying to cultivate. My mind went crazy. 

    You know that phrase “the beatings will continue until morale improves”? Yep. That was me, 100%, in my brain.

    I’ve noticed that I have often seen mistakes as evidence that I wasn’t smart or good enough, or that behavior changes weren’t going to “stick”. 

    That thinking generates a lot of stress for me. 

    This week, pay attention to how you talk to yourself about your mistakes. Pay attention to events that you label mistakes. 

    Next time, we’ll talk about the process of forgiving ourselves in a new way. 

    I want to be your coach! Sign up for a free consultation.  

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    So, what is stress anyway?

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    What is stress?

    It’s such a common topic of conversation. Stress. Stress out. Too much stress.

    But…what is stress?

    I think most of us would describe stress as…

    • A feeling
    • A situation
    • Something that is created when life gets busy
    • Something that is created by the demands from other people

    Consider the following, though.

    Can you create your own stress? 

    How can 2 people have different responses to one situation that “causes” the “stress”?

    I know that this is getting a little meta, but consider opening your mind to the idea that stress is nothing more than a word describing a set of internal, mental responses.

    Is riding on a roller coaster fun? Scary? Stressful? What about a scary movie? Would you describe that as stressful?

    Today’s challenge is to start to pay attention to when you use the word “stress”. What exactly are you labeling?

    What if…it was not the situation that caused you stress…but your mental reaction to that situation?

    Reflect on that today. You might start to notice something shift in your awareness. 

    I love working with people who are “stressed out”. Teaching you to control your stress and rise above it lets you make decisions from a clean, clear powerful place.

    I want to be your coach! Sign up for a free consultation.  

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    Vulnerability Hangover

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    Recently I had a call with my fellow coaches. I asked to be coached on a family issue. Specifically, my son wants to learn to drive and I want him to finish open items for his scouts program first. I wanted to open my mind to another way to approach these conversations with him. 

    I was open – vulnerable! – in front of 10 other people about my thoughts. I admitted feelings that are not the kinds of things I’d post on social media. 

    During a brief 10 minute session, my thinking was transformed and I came out of the call with a new understanding, actually excited for my next conversation with my son. 

    But then…later that day, I had thoughts of “Did I really share my family situation out loud? In front of all those people?”

    And yet…that’s the beautiful thing. I shared something real for me, and not me at my 100% best so I could do something better, not me curating or adjusting my words because 10 people were watching me open my heart. 

    Coaching is an opportunity for me to open up in a way that I can’t do even with my closest friends and family. After all, they are trying to be supportive, or disagree, or whatever. The people who love me have their own thoughts and agenda that can influence our conversation.

    A great coach stays neutral and helps me find my own solutions. These end up becoming decisions I can fully support because I helped to create them. 

    A great coach loves me enough to create space for me to get real with myself.

    So, yes. I shared that personal story in front of my group. And I’ve heard how it helped some of the other parents listening that day, too. 

    And the best part? My 10 minutes of mind management probably saved hours of struggle and dissatisfaction. My next conversation with my son was awesome for both of us (if I don’t say so myself!)

    And that’s why I wake up every day to do what I do. Coaching changes relationships. Helping you have better relationships is my mission on this planet.

    I want to be your coach! Sign up for a free consultation.  

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    Welcome!

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    Hello! It’s cool that we found each other. 

    Do you feel:

    • Overwhelmed by the demands of your job?
    • Overwhelmed by the demands of your family?
    • Overwhelmed at the thought that you’re not the partner you want to be?

    It feels like being busy is part of modern life.

    It feels like everyone seems overwhelmed. It’s become the main topic of conversation these days.

    But you wonder, “Is this as good as it gets?”

    What if there is a different way? A way to truly live despite all the stressful circumstances? 

    What is there is a way to break free from the social conditioning that being “busy”, “stressed”, and “overwhelmed” are normal?

    I am very excited to teach and coach skills to help you manage stress so your relationships are stronger. And, yes, that includes the relationship you have with yourself. 

    Ninja level skills.

    Neo-cracked-the-Matrix kind of skills. 

    You will blow your own mind with what is possible. Coaching is the most efficient way to take you to the next level in your life. I believe that it’s the investment that will have the greatest return in your life. 

    I want to be your coach! Sign up for a free consultation.