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    Lisa Schwaller

    Helping High Performing, Creative People Develop AMAZING Habits

    Archives for March 2021

    Archive the Past

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    I had an old belief “wiggle” free and I’m as excited as a little kid losing a tooth. 

    Here’s the news flash: The past is over. It only lives on when you replay it in your mind. 

    Sure, other people in your life might have a story about the past, too.

    But unless you call it up into your present awareness…it literally does not exist.

    I have known this truth on a cognitive/intellectual level. 

    Yet it’s been subtle how much my stories about the past were affecting my decisions and actions.

    Patterns from the past can definitely come up in our closest relationships. 

    In fact, the past is a big part of why my previous relationships have gone cold. 

    My personal history came into the bedroom, so to speak. 

    All the perceived hurts and wrongs from “before” came in, too.

    All of my inability to forgive myself for my missteps. 

    My partner was put in a no-win situation. Me, too. 

    And…guess what? New partner, same pattern. 

    I repeated my past. Repeatedly.

    Recently I let go of a profound sense of regret. This regret was subtle, deeply hidden in my mind. 

    I didn’t realize how much this regret over my past was impacting how I thought, felt, and acted. 

    It feels like a huge weight has lifted. I feel an amazing sense of possibility. It’s also uncomfortable without my trusty ol’ pattern operating on auto-pilot. 

    But! I am very willing to be uncomfortable in pursuit of my own freedom and growth. 

    Can you imagine letting go of the past in your relationship? I mean, really, truly dropping it for once and for all?

    What would that be like?

    P.S. If letting go of the past sounds good to you, I can help! Click here to sign up for a free session if you’re curious about the coaching process.

    Love Math!

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    Spring is here, my friends! 

    I hope you’re enjoying the weather wherever you are today.

    This week’s topic is inspired by a conversation I had last week. 

    Some people are really angry and disconnected physically in their relationships.

    But the woman I was talking with is madly in love and disconnected physically in her relationship. 

    She is very confused at how miserable she feels being in a “wonderful” relationship.

    She thinks that everything is “great” except the sex. 

    I wanted to see if we could turn thoughts (story) into facts (math). So I asked:

    On a percentage scale, what % of your relationship would you classify as great, what % is just okay, and what % is bad?

    Go ahead and ask yourself that question. Why did you choose those percentages? Which category did you rate your partnered sex – great, just okay, or bad?

    It’s actually fairly common for my clients to say that 90% of the relationship is fine, 10% is bad because of the sexual connection.

    Notice if that’s the case for you. 

    Perhaps something that’s not that big of a deal percentage-wise has become a Really Big Deal in your mind.

    Pay attention to how much you pay attention to what’s great, what’s okay, and what’s bad.

    Our minds do tend to focus on the things we don’t like more than the things we find wonderful.

    A few more questions to ponder:

    What would you like to have in your relationship? 

    Think about how you would set your percentage breakdowns across categories, if you could. (You can.)

    What would it take to get there?

    No matter where you rate your relationship, you can always choose to make adjustments. Just like Spring, there’s chance for renewal and growth.

    Love you madly,

    Lisa

    P.S. Enrolling 1-on-1 clients for April! Click here to sign up for a free coaching session if you’re curious about working with me as your coach.

    Getting Comfortable with Conversations

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    Imagine we were meeting for coffee or tea. In person. (I know! How fun!)

    Would you say anything like this about your relationship?

    “My relationship is okay for the most part. 

    Companionable…

    I want more connection, though. 

    But… I really, really don’t want the uncomfortable conversations that might get us there.”

    What is the most curious word in that set of thoughts?

    It’s “uncomfortable.”

    Why do we assume that bringing up a wish with the person we’re committed to will be uncomfortable?

    Hmmmm, isn’t that interesting?

    Somewhere along the way, some of us learned that having A Very Serious Conversation About Sex will be Very, Very Uncomfortable.

    Why?

    Because sex is supposed to be natural. Easy. You know, like all the other best things in life. Ha!

    We often learn about relationships through observation instead of being taught. And we have expectations set by popular culture.

    But life is not a musical. Real relationships are not a singing, dancing scene between passionate lovers.

    It’s not supposed to be naturally easy, always spontaneous and passionate. 

    Reestablishing a sexual connection can take effort, including working through emotionally connecting.

    Learning to have these kinds of conversations takes skill. The conversation itself needn’t be uncomfortable.

    Asking for what you want starts with really, truly knowing and feeling comfortable with what you want in the first place.

    This week, if you find yourself thinking, “I wish we were more connected!” imagine…

    …that your words spoke it into being. 

    What would “more connected” look like to you? How would you be thinking about your partner? How would you be thinking about you?

    To practice this, take 5-10 minutes to close your eyes, breathe deeply, and imagine you and your partner having a conversation about your relationship. Does your mind like what it imagines, or does it list a bunch of complaints about what could go wrong? This mental exercise can reveal the work you can do on you before talking with your partner.

    Looking for Sprouts of Connection

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    green plant sprouting at daytime
    Photo by Roman Synkevych on Unsplash

    Hello, beautiful you,

    I had a curious conversation this week. The woman I was speaking to had a dream life. Very shiny. Successful in all the obvious ways.

    And she is miserable. Exhausted. Not seeing the beautiful aspects that she’d created at all. 

    When you’re in a low intimacy relationship, it seems like a problem that eclipses your entire relationship. 

    That is not to say that you shouldn’t strive for improvements. Pursue any dream you desire, absolutely!

    And I’m certainly not going to advise putting on a happy face or saying a few affirmations. I don’t believe it’s healthy to force gratitude because of thinking like, “Hey, things could be worse!” Please don’t diminish your feelings like that.

    And yet, we can learn from someone who has “it all” and feels like life is a chore.

    Where we focus our attention and energy is a choice.

    Yes, you may have aspects of your relationship that you want to change. 

    And…maybe there are aspects that you love and appreciate but don’t see anymore because it seems easier to notice what your relationship lacks. 

    This week, notice beautiful things about your relationship. 

    Nothing to see? Look again. Look closely. 

    Look for sprouts of connection that could grow into more intimacy. 

    Sometimes creating big change starts with the willingness to make small changes in what we pay attention to in a relationship. 

    Love you madly,

    Lisa

    P.S. Turn this into a mini-project! At the end of the day, write down 3 observations you made about your relationship. Note whether they are “positive” or “negative.” Remember that nothing is “positive” or “negative” until we label it that way…so ask yourself with loving curiosity why you chose as you did. Enjoy!

    P.P.S. I have 1-on-1 coaching spots open!! Sign up for a consult if you want to learn how to build intimacy in your relationship.