Do you ever want to be close to someone while subtly showing them the door?
Example: I was working with a client who kept telling her partner, âI know this isnât what you signed up forâŚâ and that sort of thing.
She was surprised when I asked her, âDo you want him to leave? Youâre giving so many signals that the exit is right over thereâŚand youâll help him pack!â
We laughed, but I had a point.
Sometimes we intend to signal âI want you to stick with me through this.â
Yet it might come across as âIf you canât hang, friend, thereâs the door!â
Itâs a dynamic I see all the time. Itâs one Iâve lived with myself from time to time.
âI want you – so please notice how I donât need you.â
âI want you to stand with me as I work through improving myself – and I get why you wouldnât or donât want to.â
âI want you to stay – so hereâs the door if you feel compelled to leave.â
In other words, âIâm scared youâll leave, so Iâm beating you to the punch.â
For some, that protection was developed very early in our lives.
We are okay, independent, capable…until it gets up close and personal.
Then it feels scary to be seen for what and who we are.
If youâre in a low intimacy relationship, my guess is that thereâs some version of this dance.
Want to be closeâŚ
…scared to get closerâŚ
…want to be connectedâŚ
…as long as no one gets hurt.
Itâs a losing game, my friends.
Yes, you might feel more âsafeâ alone or even just not initiating touch or conversation.
But think of the connection and growth youâll miss out on when you protect yourself.
Whatâs the upside to being vulnerable?
It depends on how you want to live this one wild and precious life.
Love you madly,
Lisa