Archives for April 2021

Do you ever want to be close to someone while subtly showing them the door?

Example: I was working with a client who kept telling her partner, “I know this isn’t what you signed up for…” and that sort of thing. 

She was surprised when I asked her, “Do you want him to leave? You’re giving so many signals that the exit is right over there…and you’ll help him pack!” 

We laughed, but I had a point. 

Sometimes we intend to signal “I want you to stick with me through this.”

Yet it might come across as “If you can’t hang, friend, there’s the door!”

It’s a dynamic I see all the time. It’s one I’ve lived with myself from time to time. 

“I want you – so please notice how I don’t need you.”

“I want you to stand with me as I work through improving myself – and I get why you wouldn’t or don’t want to.”

“I want you to stay – so here’s the door if you feel compelled to leave.”

In other words, “I’m scared you’ll leave, so I’m beating you to the punch.”

For some, that protection was developed very early in our lives. 

We are okay, independent, capable…until it gets up close and personal. 

Then it feels scary to be seen for what and who we are. 

If you’re in a low intimacy relationship, my guess is that there’s some version of this dance. 

Want to be close…

…scared to get closer…

…want to be connected…

…as long as no one gets hurt. 

It’s a losing game, my friends. 

Yes, you might feel more “safe” alone or even just not initiating touch or conversation. 

But think of the connection and growth you’ll miss out on when you protect yourself. 

What’s the upside to being vulnerable?

It depends on how you want to live this one wild and precious life.

Love you madly, 

Lisa

Gather around, my friends, it’s story time. 

Once upon a time, two people met each other. 

They liked each other and the relationship grew into something beautiful. 

They decided to say “yes” to each other. Maybe there was a state-sanctioned ceremony. Maybe not. 

They said “forever” to each other. 

Then things got weird. 

[record scratch]

Wait, what? PLOT TWIST!

People desperately want to be seen and feel connected in their relationship. 

Yet, at times, they are incredibly uncomfortable talking with their partner about certain topics like s-e-x.

Why would anything be off limits with your person? 

Are you afraid they might reject you? Get angry? Laugh?

The worst thing that can happen when you speak your truth is just a feeling. 

Now, you might be thinking, “But they could…” and there is some scary thing after “…”

Would your partner react badly?

Maybe.

But awkwardly avoiding certain topics with your person isn’t good for you, either.

Listen, I have been super awkward about intimacy in my relationships.

My trauma experiences and general lack of emotional maturity caused a lot of grief for my partner and me. 

I felt shame about certain topics like s-e-x. I didn’t want to talk about it with my partner. 

I avoided judgement because of my own self-judgment. 

I judged myself as “weird.”

So. I suffered.

You do not have to suffer being awkward in your closest relationship. No, nope, no way. I can help you. 

For starters, ask yourself this question:

What’s one thing that you’ve never told another person? Why do you think that you’ve kept this to yourself?

Love you madly,

Lisa

Spring is my favorite season, so I’m in heaven. I love spring breezes and warm sunshine.
Speaking of things that feel good…here’s something that doesn’t:
Hugs that make you cringe.
I hear over and over and over again thoughts like this:
“When he hugs me, I think, ‘Oh, he just wants sex.’”
“She cuddles up next to me and I cringe. I just want to watch TV.”
Isn’t it lovely when physical affection creeps you out? NOT!
Why do we let this happen in our romantic relationship?
Miscommunication?
We make assumptions.
We avoid speaking up.
We try to be “nice” or avoid hurting our partner’s feelings.
Which we can’t do. I promise you that.
You are not responsible for your partner’s feelings. They are, just as you are responsible for yours.
You are not a mind reader. Except for your own mind – you listen to that dialog all day.
What if a hug was just a hug?
You can hug or not. Saying yes to a hug is not consent to sex.
You can say yes or no to anything at any time.
Really. Will it have consequences for the relationship?
Perhaps. But so does cringing away from your partner.
Notice what you’re thinking next time you cringe away from hugs.
There’s self-discovery available to you in that reaction.
Love you madly,
Lisa