Archives for June 2021

5 Times A Week…Maybe 10?

June 29, 2021 by LoveCoachLisa

Hello, lovely you,

I like to play the imagination game.

We used to do this naturally as children.

I play the imagination game a lot in my life – it’s fun and it opens up my mind to possibilities.

So, lovely you, the one who wants more intimacy in your relationship…

Imagine having sex…

5 times a week. 10 times a week. 15 times a week.

What did your mind say to you at each suggestion?

Was it like “cool”…then “um, what now?”…then “that’s just ludicrous.”

That’s what most of my clients say when I pose this thought experiment.

Now let’s go in reverse. Imagine having sex…

Once a month. Once a year. Never again.

Listen to your mind’s response.

Isn’t that amazing? We played make believe and your brain had thoughts about it!

The number of times a couple has sex together is just a number. Neutral.

It means nothing about the relationship itself or even the couple’s shared level of desire.

Read that again.

The actual sex has nothing to do with each partner’s desire or the longevity of a relationship.

Pick a number that would be your sex goal.

How many times a week or month would you like to have sex with your partner?

Then double it.

Double it again!

Write down ALL the thoughts and feelings that come up when you imagine all that sex.

What would change in your relationship, do you think?

Most importantly, would this change how you think about yourself?

Why?

Love you madly,

Lisa

P.S. If this makes your mind feel kind of melty and bendy, let’s talk. I help people break open beliefs about what’s possible for their sexual relationship. Like Neo dodging bullets in the Matrix! Book a consult with me today. Open your mind.

white printer paperr — Photo by Eric Rothermel on Unsplash

Remember the Good Stuff?

June 22, 2021 by LoveCoachLisa

Today I bring you an opportunity.

What if you decided to remember only the good stuff?

I’ve done a lot of work with my past stories.

I used to drag my past around like so much heavy luggage, trying to analyze what went wrong and why.

My past was my favorite bag of excuses, to be completely honest.

But it doesn’t serve me to carry around stories from the past.

Today’s opportunity is that the same is likely true for you.

What’s in the past is gone.

At least until someone remembers it.

I choose to live here – in the now – for my future.

The future I create with today’s choices.

Same thing for my relationship.

I can’t unsay the words or undo actions.

Neither can my partner.

Of course, I want to learn the lessons.

And yet I have decided to take it a step further.

After I learn the lessons, I selectively save the past.

And, when I do care to revisit the past, I’m going to choose to remember the good things.

When we have a memory, we’re literally creating it in real time. (Look up new science on memory – fascinating!)

If I’m going to use my mind to create something in my present, I’d rather choose that it be a good thing.

I will choose to remember the encouraging words. The fun experiences.

When I look back on the past in my relationships, I actively seek the best.

What would it be like if you and your partner talked about the old days fondly?

What if you remembered the best memories first because you practiced remembering only the good stuff?

This week, experiment with writing 3-5 of your relationship memories expecting to see the good.

Notice if this does anything to influence how you feel about your partner in the present moment.

When you remember only the good, does that cause you to create more useful thoughts in the present?

Have fun with this.

Love you madly,

Lisa

grayscale photo of Eiffel tower on top of white envelope — Photo by Joanna Kosinska on Unsplash

Do It Scared

June 15, 2021 by LoveCoachLisa

girl standing near plants — Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

I want to share an idea that’s been inspiring me this week: DO IT SCARED!

By the way, I’m not talking about sex with your partner here.

At least, not in the way you might expect.

When it comes to making changes in your relationship, you might think:

This isn’t going to work!
We’ve tried everything!
I don’t want to get rejected! (Again!)

It feels risky to want new things, to try new things, to hope for new things.

It feels unnatural to think about your sexless relationship in new ways, to learn to let go of the shame and blame.

It feels uncomfortable to do the deep, personal work that can change how you show up for your relationship.

Yet sometimes we leap into change even when it feels terrifying.

Think of what you’re proud of in your life.

Did it mean taking a risk?

All journeys to “better” mean leaving “this” behind. Yeah, it’s risky.

So you want a better connection with your partner.

Imagine how proud you would feel if you could create the relationship of your wildest dreams.

Have any first steps in mind?

Pick one and DO IT SCARED.

Reach out.

Lead by example.

Go first.

Go alone, if it comes to that.

This week, notice what fears, excuses, and other brain dialogue comes up when you imagine doing a small but mighty action to build a better connection with your partner.

And then ask if it’s worth doing it even when it scares you.

Love you madly,

Lisa

Relationship Rice Bowl

June 8, 2021 by LoveCoachLisa

Hello, hello!

Today’s letter is inspired by…EVESDROPPING!

At lunch recently, a person at another table was describing her family’s go-to meal: rice bowls.

Rice, perhaps flavored with a broth or spices.

Vegetables – which ones?

Protein? Healthy fat? Fun toppings?

As I listened to her describe the different flavor combinations, I thought of you.

I mean, I got a little hungry, but mostly I thought about you and what your relationship rice bowl might be like.

I work with people where the relationship is only rice. Barely cooked. Same clumpy lukewarm heap every day.

I work with people who dream of curried rice with hearty, simple vegetables steamed to perfection. Their fantasies don’t line up with reality.

I work with people who have given up. They do not enjoy any part of building their relationship rice bowl: the food prep, the cooking, the cleaning – it all stinks.

Imagine…

…what is your relationship rice bowl like?

Abundant?

Exotic?

Simple yet hearty?

Saucy? Or dry?

Or have you decided to let ol’ so ‘n’ so get their own darn dinner because you are not cookin’?

Imagine your ideal relationship.

What will you add?

Trust?

Laughter?

Physical affection? Sex?

The ability to stay calm during any disagreement?

What would it be for you?

Have so much fun with this thought exercise.

Love you madly,

Lisa

P.S. Email me to tell me what’s in your rice bowl! Let’s have a virtual “lunch”!

P.P.S. Find me on Facebook or YouTube to see my short weekly videos.

vegetable salad on black ceramic bowl — Photo by Delaney Van on Unsplash

Create Feelings…Like Magic!

June 1, 2021 by Lisa Schwaller

You are a magician!

You can create feelings – any feelings – about anything!

You can create any feelings about any person…including your partner.

Are you a parent?

Do you love your children? Why?

This is something most people don’t question but…think about it. Where does the love come from?

Now imagine your favorite TV show or movie. Imagine a character that you love. Maybe there’s a character that you love to hate.

My youngest son and I do not like the character of Ross in Friends. We have our reasons, primarily that we enjoy randomly banding together in a faux dislike of a faux person. We find it very meta and heee-larious to pretend to care about Ross enough to dislike him.

Thoughts: Ross is whiny. Ross plays synthesizer. Ross is “too” earnest. Ross does that shushing thing with the hand gesture and the “know-it-all” face. Feeling: Dislike

Thoughts: Ross is a supportive friend. Ross is committed to his kids. Ross loves deeply. Feeling: Like

Same character. Different experiences for the thinker. Zero impact on Ross’ “life.”

Notice the thoughts and feelings you have about your partner most frequently.

Pay attention to how your brain goes on a treasure hunt for evidence to prove your thoughts true.

Flip the feelings. What thoughts would create those feelings?

“She puts too much pressure on me to have sex.” = feeling “resistant” or “discouraged”

“She feels a strong need to connect with me through sex.” = feeling “curious” or “desired”

Same situation, different interpretation.

You can do that with your mind like MAGIC!

Alright, you can likely guess what I will suggest to you next because you have a magic mind.

Write down the 5-10 most common thoughts you have about your partner.

List what each thought causes you to feel.

These are the thoughts you are choosing today.

Are you happy with this list? If not, brainstorm what you would like to change.

This is part of the work I do with my clients each week. You cannot create your partner’s thoughts, feelings or actions. But you can learn to intentionally create and act on your own feelings.

And the results? Pure magic.

Love you madly,

Lisa

P.S. Would you like to create a magical connection with your partner? My coaching program is more than a bag of tricks. Click here to sign up for a free session if you’re curious to learn more.

Let's stay in touch!

Archives for June 2021