Archives for March 2022

Positive Mindset – Or Pressure Cooker?

March 29, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

Years ago, I found Kate Bowler’s podcast “Everything Happens”

I was smitten to see the “for a reason” crossed off on the cover art.

One of the challenges with identifying as a mindset coach is that people expect I will help them create a life that’s happy, happy, shiny, shiny.

Another challenge is that people expect me to be happy, happy, shiny, shiny.

Nope and nope.

I think there is an astounding amount of pressure created by the cultural impetus to “Be positive.”

The underlying assumption is flawed.

Be positive = be more effective

I don’t believe this to be true.

Here’s what I currently believe is a fruitful life recipe:

Connect to your power of choice + make those choices decisively = intentional life (aka, a “good” life)

Why am I a fan of the intentional life?

I believe the intentional life is free from:

People pleasing
Confusion
Distracting thoughts of self-blame (victimization) or blaming others

These things are beyond annoying. They are expensive, time consuming and exhausting.

Positive thinking is not necessary or even all that helpful when you are living on purpose.

It feels good in the moment and it might bring you closer to your power of choice.

Or it could just be a line you’re feeding yourself and others.

Positive self-talk assumes that a “good” mood is a factor in being effective with your time and attention.

That focusing on getting and staying in good vibes will keep you directionally motivated to your goal.

But, for some people, positive thinking can create pressure.

There’s the effort required to work on a task, relationship, project, goal.

And then there’s another layer of effort to feel positive or good while doing it.

There are consequences to this focus on “being positive.”

One is that people are often labeled “negative” if they are not “positive.”

But, is this sorting all that usefull?

Seriously, for fun, ask yourself, “What’s so bad about being ‘negative’?”

In all honesty, I don’t think it matters if you have a positive or negative mindset, on balance, if you are happy with the results you are creating in your life.

I personally know several people who are all out grumps and they are satisfied with their life’s results.

For some people, the energy devoted to maintaining a positive mindset diverts energy from creating healthy habits, completing tasks, and deepening relationships.

In my own life, I have noticed some relationships losing depth as there is a mandate to “be” or “stay” positive.

This shows up as:

Having a rough spell in life? Oh, could be worse!
Dealing with an unexpected and serious diagnosis? Well, everything happens for a reason!
Life taking a very disappointing turn? Stay strong, you’ll get through this!

Listen, I get it, maybe it’s not great to spin out in a downward spiral of blame, overwhelm confusion, or sadness.

But it’s not great to avoid all of that by slapping a shiny filter on top of it. Being on the receiving end can feel like you’re being dismissed.

This week, dear reader, I invite you to notice the messaging you have in your mind and in your own community about “negative” and “positive.”

Question those messages. See the underlying stories. Ask if it alleviates or creates pressure for you. Ask if it’s bringing you closer to or creating distance from those you love.

There is life with its assortment of events. There is your choice in how to react.

So…you can be a grouch if you want to…and still create a wildly fulfilling, creative, intentional life.

“Positive” and “negative” are subjective, anyway, so what does it matter?

Isn’t that a fun concept to ponder?

P.S. Please click here to sign up for my free mini-class “3 Ways to Reduce Stress TODAY!”

silver and white round gauge — Photo by Justus Menke on Unsplash

Go On “Wild Observer” Safari!

March 22, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

Years ago, I saw Jimmy Fallon play “Wild Nature Survivor Guy” on Sesame Street.

My life hasn’t been the same since.

It was a catchy skit performed by a performer whom I find rather charming.

The premise is that “Wild Nature Survivor Guy” is surviving in nature…on Sesame Street. Keep in mind this is a fictional street right in Manhattan, not often considered a very natural or wild place.

Since then, every once in a while, I’ll break into my version of a similar character, “Wild Observer Safari Lisa”!

I’ve always been a people watcher.

People who grow up in unpredictable families often do have a heightened sense of observation.

It seems that most people are good at people watching. It’s part of our survival instinct, after all, to pay attention to the people nearby and guess at their emotional state (dangerous, neutral, happy?).

And I enjoy it, this people-watching-with-a-purpose.

In fact, I recommend it to my clients on the regular.

So, what can I teach you about people watching?

Here are 3 unique approaches to people watching that can help you help yourself!

#1 Guess What They’re Thinking and Feeling

We see behavior and we make guesses about what the other person is thinking and feeling.

Try doing this on purpose but with a twist – guess 3 different thoughts and/or 3 different feelings that might motivate the action you are observing.
Does this slow down your mind’s assumption making machine?
Does this bring you from a simplified awareness to a deeper one?

#2 Imagine Swapping Places

Becoming “the other” can be an incredible way to expand your perspective of yourself.

Mentally change places with the person you are watching.
Imagine being them…doing their actions, thinking their thoughts, feeling their feelings.
Imagine that you – as them – then see you.
What comes to mind?

#3 Narrate Someone Watching You

Finally, take this a step further by floating out of them into a wider lens.

Imagine 3 different famous people narrating what you are doing (real or imagined, alive or dead).
How do they tell the story of “you” differently and similarly?

We people watch and make quick assumptions. It’s precisely how our brain is designed to operate.

We do the same thing to ourselves, but from inside our usual perspective.

As a result, we sometimes jump to conclusions, make erroneous assumptions, and otherwise miss details when we accept our brain’s first answer.

Reflect on what these exercises open up for you.

When you are on “Wild Observer Safari”, what do you learn about yourself that most surprises you?
P.S. Please click here to sign up for my free mini-class “3 Ways to Reduce Stress TODAY!”

brown and black leopard illustration — Photo by Dustin Humes on Unsplash

Word Swap! “Problems” to “Puzzles”

March 15, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

One of my coaching certifications is with an organization where coaches are taught to ask “why is this a problem?”

I get the underlying point of that question, but I think the word “problem” introduces a concept in the coaching session.

In other words, the word “problem” is usually loaded with meaning for people.

“Problem” means right or wrong, good or bad, responsible or irresponsible.

What is a “problem”? The Oxford dictionary defines the word problem as “a matter or situation regarded as unwelcome or harmful and needing to be dealt with and overcome.”

That sounds like a bummer.

I noticed sometimes that the client’s defenses would come up when I would ask, “Why is this a problem?”

After all, in my coaching relationships, we are looking at thinking, beliefs, feelings and situations to help my client show up intentionally, on purpose. And sometimes what’s there naturally is serving a valuable purpose yet benefits from a minor mental makeover.

No problems. Only a bunch of neutral words with a story wrapped around them.

So, I stopped using this question.

In its place, I started to use the word or concept “puzzle” as a word swap for “problem.”

As in:

“What an interesting puzzle your mind is working to solve? What does it mean?”
“When your mind is looking at those details, what puzzle is being assembled?”
“How might your mind be complicating this from a simple decision to be made into a puzzle to be solved?

All of these questions point to the mind being a meaning making machine, looking to put pieces of information together into a coherent whole.

Isn’t that so much more open than “Why is this a problem?” or – worse! – “Why are you choosing to make this a problem?” (That is not the loving, welcoming relationship I aim to foster with my clients’ minds!)

The mind is already very busy assembling, searching, sorting…

…I want to bring it closer to seeing the situation as a fun game, somewhat made up, and definitely something that encourages creative participation.

Try it!

When you’re tempted to think something is a problem…

When you’re focused on what’s going wrong…

When you’re stuck…

Consider yourself in the middle of assembling a puzzle.

And!

Sometimes the pieces don’t go together at all because there isn’t a puzzle to be solved.

Simply words, feeling and experiences.

Entirely neutral.

Until meaning is applied by your busy, puzzle loving mind.

How can this puzzle word swap work for you?
P.S. Please click here to sign up for my free mini-class “3 Ways to Reduce Stress TODAY!”

green red and yellow wall — Photo by Ashkan Forouzani on Unsplash

Feelings are, like, no big deal…

March 8, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

Feelings are my jam.

To put a finer point on it, learning how to feel feelings and then react with intention is a superpower.

This skill has changed my life, and it’s one that I hope to teach to millions of people.

Coming of age in the 90s, the common theme of self-improvement material was that feelings meant something.

“How do you feel about that?” or “How are you feeling?” or “Why do you feel that way?” were common therapist questions, in my experience.

The lessons I got from all of these questions about feelings and their source was:

Feelings are powerful indicators of very serious and important things.
Feelings require a reason to exist.
Knowing what I’m feeling and labeling it is essential to mental health.
Feelings are indicators about actions I should take.
Feeling good is preferred.

Um. No, I don’t believe this way anymore.

Let me share my updated learnings with you:

Feelings indicate thinking, whether in our conscious awareness or more subconscious.
Feelings exist the way blood pumps. They exist because that’s how the system works.
Feelings are neutral, neither bad nor good. Feeling “bad” is nothing to worry about. Feeling “good” is not a preferred state.
Feelings exist because our minds think, and that thinking is not always entirely “logical” or cohesive.
Knowing what you’re feeling at any minute is informative but not essential.

I think our society has pivoted to a weird, unhealthy emphasis on positivity.

People want to work with a coach or a therapist to “feel better.”

I can help you with your feelings.

But it doesn’t mean you’ll end up feeling more good, more of the time.

Ah, snap! So, what’s the point, then?

Let’s start with feelings as indicators.

Feelings demonstrate a biological manifestation that your mind is having a reaction to stimulus.

Let’s take the feeling “sad,” for example. I might feel sad because someone said my article sucks and I thought, “Oh, I did a bad job!” Then, someone might say how much they loved the article, and I might feel elated because I think, “I helped someone – yeah!”

Feelings merely indicate the current state of my thinking. I can decide from a neutral place whether any action is required.

Feelings are often practiced. We develop habits of generating certain feelings.

One person said that depression is the “noun state” representing a practiced set of “verb states” (aka, behaviors). That blew my mind because it really resonated with my decades long experience with attempting to “fix” depression!

The more I thought depressed thoughts and felt “depressed” the more it seemed my state and I saw myself as a “depressed” person. And, of course, if feelings are serious and tell me what to do, I must do something to make the feeling go away. For me these days, a little extra self care and allowing the feeling without pushing so hard to make “the depression” go away does wonders for how I live with times when my thinking and feeling are labeled “depressed.” **

I find it curious or interesting to know my feelings.

That said, I no longer take them all that seriously.

Instead of saying “I feel curious,” I am more likely to say, “My thinking has me feeling curious right now!”

That depersonalizes the experience and reminds me that both thinking and feeling shift like the tides. I don’t need to stand at the edge of the ocean and blow really hard to make the tide go out.

Equally, I don’t need to make an effort to shift my feeling. I merely decide what to do next and get on with it.

So, I encourage you to feel your feelings.

But then react with intention, from a decision about what would make your next experience worth living.

Then do it.

So much easier than dissecting your feelings and trying to change them all the livelong day, yes?

** Caveat: This is my personal experience, not medical advice on the treatment of depression or any other physical concern.
P.S. Please click here to sign up for my free mini-class “3 Ways to Reduce Stress TODAY!”

black and red analog speedometer — Photo by Claude Gabriel on Unsplash

My Week “Offline”

March 1, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

At the end of 2021, I took nearly a week off from being online.

I was on holiday with my family and I chose to spend the time as if it were 1981 instead of 2021.

I only used my computer/phone to look for directions and hours of places we were visiting.

It was an interesting experience.

Now, in fairness, I’m a digital deviant year round, not just on holiday. Ha!

I avoid notifications on my phone unless it’s personal email or messages from my kids.

I don’t have social apps on my phone. I batch and schedule my posts, not so I can make them perfect (whatever “perfect” means) but because I simply enjoy this approach.

But that time in December of living even more “off the grid” (ha!) caused me to realize how much of an average day is spent in “scanning mode.”

What are people up to?

What is the answer to my question?

What’s happening?

Does anyone need me?

Progressively taking less time online during 2021 taught me a few things that will likely shape 2022 and beyond.

Here are my lessons. Feel free to use them to inspire your own experimentation!

First, I realized how much of our average day is looking up stuff online.

While “off grid,” it was fun to return to the space of not knowing everything. I realized that my life isn’t any better if I find the answer to that odd trivia thing. Do I really need to know the number of calories in an average avocado or Keanu Reeves’ birthday? Nope. No, I do not. In most cases, I can do well without knowing and keep those extra seconds and minutes, to boot!

The lesson I learned from not looking up trivia all day long is that trivia means…trivial. You get to decide what’s right for you, but I’ve decided to allow for more mystery.

Second, I learned that when I wasn’t spending time thinking and wondering trivial-ly, I was able to think more deeply and more connected to my core desires. It reminded me of the book “Deep Work” and the TEDx talk by the author, Cal Newport.

Meaningful work takes time and focus. Creativity requires space. It’s so easy to be distracted and the distractions are so tempting. But are the information appetizers of life taking away from what you want to create?

Finally, going back online was a TRIP! I could feel my dopamine going crazy. I scrolled for a few minutes, maybe 5-10, and nearly felt dizzy after a while. The ads – so many ads! Can you imagine going to a piano concert and having every 12th note be an interruption by an ad from a sponsor?

It drove me bonkers, honestly, being back in the digital world, particularly some flavors of social media.

It caused me to reflect on my role not only as the consumer of digital information but also as a contributor.

I love the articles, videos, and podcasts that I create to help you, my reader, learn creative, non-traditional ways to manage your stress and make amazing decisions for yourself.

Life is simply a series of thousands and thousands of choices that aggregate over time to form habits and outcomes.

Another byproduct of this time away is that I’m feeling more thoughtful and intentional about the companies that carry my content and the experience of my audience.

And, of course, this experiment caused me to reflect deeply on how life was before the first smartphones came out into the world. For me, I think there were a lot of things that I would label as better before social media. I remember spending more time “here” than wondering if things were better “there.”

No matter your choice of how you spend your time, virtually or otherwise, my hope for each of us is that there is an awareness of our choices, whether trivial or significant.

We get the minutes we get.

We choose how to spend those minutes.

And, once spent, they are non-renewable.

For me?

I’ll be spending more time living the 80s life here in 2022…

P.S. Please click here to sign up for my free mini-class “3 Ways to Reduce Stress TODAY!”

Let's stay in touch!

Archives for March 2022