Archives for May 2022

Setting Boundaries…with Yourself!

May 31, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

Consider what your culture has taught you around:

How you are supposed to serve at work
How you are supposed to show up as a parent
How you are supposed to be a relationship partner

Many of my clients start working with me to tame their stress.

And the reasons they give for their stress are “out there.”

Too many…things to do.

Not enough…time, money, sleep, self-care, good in the world, change.

There are so many “not enoughs.”

And…yet…

You are free and totally in control of what you say yes to.

Because…you could quit all of it, leave it burning behind you as you walk away like Keyser Soze.

(Any other fans of the movie “Usual Suspects”? I remember loving that movie!)

And if you’re not willing to walk away and let it burn, burn, burn…

Well…

It’s because you are saying yes to it.

The number one counterbalance to the sources of stress in your life is setting amazingly clear boundaries with yourself.

Recently, I was feeling annoyed with one of my teenage children.

I could recognize that the annoyance was from my own thinking, not what he had done (or in this case, not done).

As my mind was playing “inner courtroom”, I paused long enough to ask myself this question:

Is there a boundary issue that I want to address?

I got curious where I had not set a boundary inside myself as it related to the situation.

And, yes, that was the true source of myself.

I had a clarity and decision gap.

After I filled that gap and set a boundary with myself, the stress evaporated.

It’s easy to do this.

Here’s the process:

Decide that you’ll take 110% responsibility for your emotional state. The world happens at you. Your reactions happen in you.
Decide what you are willing to do.
Decide what you are not willing to do.
Decide what you are going to do if another person does something, avoids doing something, etc.
Decide whether you are going to share your boundary with anyone else in advance.
Decide what you are going to do if someone crosses your boundary.

That’s it.

This is a broken down process to show the power of what I call “decisive decision making.”

The world will take as much as you have on offer. They don’t ask for “too much” – they just ask. It’s neutral.

The truest freedom is knowing that you have all the time you need and all the resources you need for what you have said “yes” to.

Have fun being liberated from stress!
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with my podcast, “Less Stress, More Fun.” Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes are short (14-18 mins, on average), smart (lots of research) and fun (especially if you love 80s music).

woman standing in green field — Photo by Olia Nayda on Unsplash

Finding New Perspectives

May 24, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

Coaching is a powerful way to enhance your strategic thinking capability.

For one thing, our brains have a cognitive bias for the perspective that we hold.

It’s not nefarious nor inherently harmful, but often we see what we see because that’s how we see it.

Keep in mind that a cognitive preference – the story your mind wrote – was likely written unintentionally, automatically.

Most of our thinking lies beneath the surface.

We have our cultural influences. Family. How we responded inside that family. School and career, and those limited inputs.

We shape ourselves and life as we know it from the clay at hand – what’s happening and how we think about it at the time.

In a way, it’s remarkable that any of us are able to change our minds when the external programming is so ubiquitous and our brains code in patterns without our agreement or cognitive consent.

Yes, one way to expand and adjust our thinking is to have new experiences.

And, of course, we can analyze our life’s events and our responses to inform our future-oriented decisions.

Yet I believe that our mind is most impacted and change is most accelerated by finding and exploring new, fresh perspectives.

I often make statements like this in coaching, particularly if I have a trust bond with the client:

That might be true. Or not.
Well, that is one way of looking at it…
What an interesting narrative about those events!
Such interesting word choices. Do you want me to reflect those words back to you?

Speaking for myself, I often do not even see a mental program running until I am being coached or have a situation where I intentionally reflect, like something not meeting expectations or working towards a goal.

So, dear reader, here are 3 easy-to-integrate suggestions for asking your brain to slow down and consider another perspective:

#1 Write the Police Report

Imagine you are writing a police report about a situation your mind is thinking about. “The basketball coach aggressively attacked my child’s driving in the parking lot before practice. She also fails to do what coaches should do and never provides positive feedback. The other parents and the governing organization completely disregards my complaints.” Phew. Not neutral! This is similar to a situation that often arrives in coaching. My job is to help my client see that they have a perspective that leaves little room for the other side of the story.

#2 Swap out adjectives for something opposite

In the above example, it might sound like, “The basketball coach lovingly provided feedback out of concern for my child’s safety. She also does exactly what I expect and provides fair, neutral feedback (or even none at all) so the children learn to look at their performance objectively instead of fishing for validation. I am delighted that my child is served by a community that fosters independence and encourages people to resolve conflicts like adults.” Same situation, entirely different perspective. Which one is true? Neither. Both are equally valid interpretations, though.

#3 Bring an Enemy Closer

Do you have someone that you despise? Real, imagined, close to you or far away?

How would that person see the situation? What if they were right and you were wrong?

I despise Walter White, one of the main characters from the TV show “Breaking Bad.” I can’t stand him. I could write an article just about how I can’t stand him. 😂

A few years ago, I had a lively discussion with someone who is a huge fan of this character.

It was an awesome reminder that we hold different perspectives.

Walter White’s view of himself and how the world works would not be my first choice of perspectives. Which is exactly why I sometimes invite this character to provide a fresh perspective on a situation.

What would he do? Is there any validity in his perspective?

If nothing else, it brings levity to something that I, too, am sure is right/accurate/etc. It adjusts my vision to be more expansive.

Try these suggestions. See how they work for you. Go hunting for new perspectives and notice how you grow in the process.
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with my podcast, “Less Stress, More Fun.” Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes are short (14-18 mins, on average), smart (lots of research) and fun (especially if you love 80s music).

grayscale photography of high-rise building — Photo by Loyal Deighton on Unsplash

Remembering “Busytown”

May 17, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

Recently, a book I read talked about how the critters who live in Richard Scarry’s “Busytown” don’t seem at all stressed out.

My grandparents were certainly busy. And yet they enjoyed their nights and weekends, often doing more “busy” things after work hours like hobbies or taking care of things around the house.

When did “busy” come in vogue?

I have a theory that “Busytown” had professions that allowed people to see effort.

Can you build 10 more benches today, Carpenter Crocodile**?

Carpenter Crocodile is working on 1 bench and points his croc-finger to a list of orders.

Carpenter Crocodile knows that she can build 3 benches on a good day.

Carpenter Crocodile starts at 9 and ends at 5, including a nice long lunch savoring a fish sandwich while talking with Painter Orangutan.

No, 10 more benches will not be built today unless Carpenter Crocodile has help.

Work 50 years ago just seemed more…real.

You could watch it being done.

You can see the volume possible and you can see where more “productivity” is unlikely.

There really was a time before “productive” was in our normal social vocabulary.

Think about your own life.

Can you handle 100 more email today?

Sometimes it feels like knowledge work – because it’s invisible – is assumed to be a “thing” that can be handled no matter what…even when it grows, sometimes exponentially!

The email must be processed even when it’s wasteful and purposeless. And you can’t stop at 5 PM simply because it’s work stopping time.

Because – GOOD GRIEF!!! – WHO WILL HANDLE THE EMAIL?!?

It’s actually madness, our modern working world.

It makes no sense.

It makes more sense to me that a crocodile would build park benches, eat sandwiches, and befriend an orangutan who is a fellow business person.

When I read this reference to Richard Scarry’s Busytown, I remembered my deep love for these books as a child.

I remember watching “Busytown Mysteries” and reading the books with my own children.

So…I checked a few of these books from the library to explore them again.

And.

It hit me.

Hard.

Not only does “Busytown” seem like a place with order, structure, business, and busy-ness…

…it’s a set of books where each detail is exquisite.

My sons – now teenagers – and I pored over those library books, observing the overlapping plotlines.

Noticing the subtle (and not so subtle) social cues of what is “right and properly” community behavior.

Not only did things seem to be in order but you can’t rush a reading of a Richard Scarry book.

It’s an experience to be savored. I, for one, happily fantasize about contentedly and busily building benches in Busytown.

Now, I’m not going here to say we should go backwards.

I think there are many social changes happening that are beautiful.

But!

I do miss when life seemed to fit. Before time. Before we invented email, the internet and “busy.”

Have we lost an essential part of being human, that work is designed to fit in a space and not the other way around?

What are your thoughts on the world of “Busytown”?

** Note that I made up these animals while writing. I figured it was more fun for me than actually doing a cross-section of animals with careers in a made up world. This is my Coach Lisa “Communityville”, maybe?! 😂

P.S. I invite you to fall in love with my podcast, “Less Stress, More Fun.” Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes are short (14-18 mins, on average), smart (lots of research) and fun (especially if you love 80s music).

red car parked near blue building — Photo by Martin Kníže on Unsplash

When Anger is Shame on Fire!

May 10, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

Feelings are revealing. Most of us have habits of feeling, or feelings that are familiar and practiced.

Many of us avoid feeling shame at all costs.

Today I want to talk about getting curious about your anger to help process the feeling of shame.

First…what are your thoughts about shame?

If I were to do a survey on the street, most people would probably think it weird if I asked: “Are you comfortable feeling and processing shame?”

That’s an odd string of words for everyday conversation, right?

Shame is not something that we talk about often.

It is more socially acceptable to talk about being irritated, annoyed, and we can often identify anger in ourselves and others.

Which is why I think anger is sometimes shame “on fire.”

It’s easier to express anger. Anger at another. Anger at a situation.

Yes, even anger toward our own self.

Let’s connect to shame for a moment.

Can you imagine shame in your body, what it feels like and how your mind reacts?

Try to call up feeling embarrassed as a gateway.

Imagine doing something and having everyone around you laugh.

This happened to me when I was in second grade.

Shorts were not allowed at my school. But an adult in my household insisted I wear this cute pair of shorts to school one day.

I kept telling her, “No, no, shorts aren’t allowed.”

I was pooh-poohed and had to go to school in shorts.

It was horrifying to be corrected by the teacher in front of the class.

All day, the kids teased me.

I kept pulling on my shorts hem, unconsciously willing invisible magic to turn my shorts into pants so I could be “right” again.

I was embarrassed.

Below that was shame.

It sounded like this: “I should have known better. I live in a house where people aren’t paying attention. I’m never going to have a normal life with this family.”

It got dark and painful quickly.

So…anger to the rescue!

I remember getting mad. Mad at the teacher for thinking an 8 year old kid was in charge of clothes shopping – how dare she think I had a choice! Mad at the school for their stupid shorts rule! Mad at that obtuse and insensitive family member for not knowing the rules – why did I have to know everything!?! Mad at myself for not standing up louder, putting up a bigger fight. (Even though, in my family, resisting adults was physically dangerous.)

My shame was more than my little heart could bear and so my brain lit it on FIRE by turning it into anger.

Consider how anger can be covering shame, perhaps in yourself and possibly in others, sometimes in the way we think of our histories.

There are times when anger is a cover, a costume to hide the harder to feel, harder to process emotion labeled “shame.”

What would it be like if you took off the anger and felt the shame rise in you?

My shame, when I imagine it in my body, is midnight blue, viscous and heavy like tar, and it has flecks of silver…the “should have” thoughts.

My shame rolls out of me from my stomach to my throat.

Processing shame is a very real physical experience for me.

The first time I did it, I kind of thought I might actually die, the physical sensation was so intense.

Now…I notice anger when it arrives as a package for my shame.

And I let the tar boil up. And out. And I know that the feeling will pass as sure as 2019 passed into 2020 and as sure as gravity will hold me on my beloved home planet.

Find your shame on fire…and the courage to notice it for what it is. It takes courage to allow and process shame…and it’s a path to mental freedom.

white clouds over snow covered mountain — Photo by Alain Bonnardeaux on Unsplash

Enjoy Stress-Free Motherhood

May 3, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

Sunday, 8 May is Mother’s Day in the United States.

If you are a mother, do you find it to be a stress-free experience?

If you have a mother, did she find parenting a stress-free experience?

Motherhood has been the primary vehicle for my own personal growth.

In fact, I got my first coaching certification in order to relate better to my oldest child.

It’s one of many gifts my children have invited me to open.

Their presence asks me to consider: “Am I willing to face my own mental garbage in order to avoid passing it down to them?”

Hell, yes, I am.

I am one of the most happy, most laid back mothers and I delight in my (quite nearly perfect) children.

And that’s the result of effort over time.

I was a controlling, stressed, fear-full parent even though I was well-prepared for the job.

I was the oldest of 5 kids, spaced out by marriages, and I got a lot of hands-on practice with babies.

I was very comfortable with the care of an infant human. I took to new motherhood with excellence.

And I was also mentally a hot mess, with undiagnosed complex PTSD ticking like a time bomb.

But I came out the other side a changed woman and one heck of a mom. How?

Here are the highlights from my own coaching journey into stress-free motherhood.

First, get to know your thoughts and assumptions about motherhood.

Imagine the phrases “good mother” and “bad mother.” What comes to mind for each?

WHY? Where do those beliefs come from?

It’s well worth taking a few minutes to examine what you believe to be true about being a “good” mother.

Notice whether your definition would have been the same for a mother in the United States in 1972 or 1922 or 1872 or 1772.

It helps to be aware whether the definition you have for “good” mothering increases your stress.

What if you assumed it was awesome and stress-free? What would that be like for you?

Second, observe your mothering behaviors and expectations.

In general, how do you show up as a mother?

How do you expect your own mother to show up?

What are your behaviors when it comes to dealing directly with your kids?

How do you expect your kids to behave most of the time?

How often is stress the result of a clash between “I wish…” and “Things should…”?

Do your expectations for yourself and others result in a stress-free experience?

Finally, decide for yourself how you want to experience motherhood.

You set the standard for what kind of parent you want to be.

Most importantly, you set the standard for how you want to feel, in general, about being a mother.

Here is a list of possible mothering “characteristics” – choose your preferences and add others that come to mind:

Joy-full…playful…present…silly…nurturing…helpful…smart…protective…confident…encouraging…critical…judgemental…anxious……validated…angry…bewildered…curious

If we think about being perceived as a mother, we consider other people’s opinions, including our children’s opinions.

But…what do you want to think about yourself as a mother?

All may have opinions about what kind of mother you are, but your own opinion of yourself is yours to write.

For me, I choose

Curious about these young people I see developing so near me. I have the best seat in the house to see how they evolve! What a treasure!
Authentic when sharing myself, my values, my opinions and my failings/learnings. I want my kids to experience a multi-dimensional version of me.
Prepared to teach them what they aren’t likely to learn anywhere else. We have reviewed wills and power of attorney documents, investment statements, and had frank talks about relationships. I want them to learn but also see me as a resource in the future. My eyes are on the far future for them…and about creating a relationship that lasts for decades long after they have become adults (and possibly parents themselves!).

I love being a parent and it literally gets better with each passing year.

But that didn’t come naturally. It’s the direct result of coaching myself hard and with bold, tough love.

Happy Mother’s Day to each of you! I hope you, too, experience the joy of stress-free motherhood.

Let's stay in touch!

Archives for May 2022