Lisa Schwaller

My Week “Offline”

March 1, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

At the end of 2021, I took nearly a week off from being online.

I was on holiday with my family and I chose to spend the time as if it were 1981 instead of 2021.

I only used my computer/phone to look for directions and hours of places we were visiting.

It was an interesting experience.

Now, in fairness, I’m a digital deviant year round, not just on holiday. Ha!

I avoid notifications on my phone unless it’s personal email or messages from my kids.

I don’t have social apps on my phone. I batch and schedule my posts, not so I can make them perfect (whatever “perfect” means) but because I simply enjoy this approach.

But that time in December of living even more “off the grid” (ha!) caused me to realize how much of an average day is spent in “scanning mode.”

What are people up to?

What is the answer to my question?

What’s happening?

Does anyone need me?

Progressively taking less time online during 2021 taught me a few things that will likely shape 2022 and beyond.

Here are my lessons. Feel free to use them to inspire your own experimentation!

First, I realized how much of our average day is looking up stuff online.

While “off grid,” it was fun to return to the space of not knowing everything. I realized that my life isn’t any better if I find the answer to that odd trivia thing. Do I really need to know the number of calories in an average avocado or Keanu Reeves’ birthday? Nope. No, I do not. In most cases, I can do well without knowing and keep those extra seconds and minutes, to boot!

The lesson I learned from not looking up trivia all day long is that trivia means…trivial. You get to decide what’s right for you, but I’ve decided to allow for more mystery.

Second, I learned that when I wasn’t spending time thinking and wondering trivial-ly, I was able to think more deeply and more connected to my core desires. It reminded me of the book “Deep Work” and the TEDx talk by the author, Cal Newport.

Meaningful work takes time and focus. Creativity requires space. It’s so easy to be distracted and the distractions are so tempting. But are the information appetizers of life taking away from what you want to create?

Finally, going back online was a TRIP! I could feel my dopamine going crazy. I scrolled for a few minutes, maybe 5-10, and nearly felt dizzy after a while. The ads – so many ads! Can you imagine going to a piano concert and having every 12th note be an interruption by an ad from a sponsor?

It drove me bonkers, honestly, being back in the digital world, particularly some flavors of social media.

It caused me to reflect on my role not only as the consumer of digital information but also as a contributor.

I love the articles, videos, and podcasts that I create to help you, my reader, learn creative, non-traditional ways to manage your stress and make amazing decisions for yourself.

Life is simply a series of thousands and thousands of choices that aggregate over time to form habits and outcomes.

Another byproduct of this time away is that I’m feeling more thoughtful and intentional about the companies that carry my content and the experience of my audience.

And, of course, this experiment caused me to reflect deeply on how life was before the first smartphones came out into the world. For me, I think there were a lot of things that I would label as better before social media. I remember spending more time “here” than wondering if things were better “there.”

No matter your choice of how you spend your time, virtually or otherwise, my hope for each of us is that there is an awareness of our choices, whether trivial or significant.

We get the minutes we get.

We choose how to spend those minutes.

And, once spent, they are non-renewable.

For me?

I’ll be spending more time living the 80s life here in 2022…

P.S. Please click here to sign up for my free mini-class “3 Ways to Reduce Stress TODAY!”

green trees on brown field under cloudy sky during daytime — Photo by Jake Carter on Unsplash

Bridge Your “Action” to Your Want

February 22, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

What causes you the most stress?

One of the major root causes of stress is the disconnect between wants/goals and action.

Think about your own stress.

Describe what stresses you out.

Now sort which of your stressors reveal a gap between what you say you want and what you actually do in any given week.

This is true for me.

I have a confession to make.

Easily 65% of the stress in my life falls into this category.

I have all these beautiful coaching skills to manage my mind, create my best results, and yet…

Sometimes I just don’t have alignment between what I claim to want with all of my heart and the choices that I make on any given day.

In other words, I don’t follow through on my intention with matching action.

Look at your life – health, business/career, family.

Do you see areas where the “do” doesn’t match the “desire”?

This is a gold mine of information about yourself.

When you notice the “want” vs. “do” gap, pause and do the following:

Listen to your thoughts while in “Observation Mode.” Write down all of your thoughts of resistance. Try not to judge, though you’re welcome to take down the notes of your Inner Critic/Judge. (We all seem to have one!) Imagine that you’re a detective solving a crime. Interview every single voice in your mind without taking any voice’s side. What does your neutral observer self notice when seeing these different thoughts out on paper?
Note what you are doing and what you are not doing. List your actions. Are you working toward your goal? If not, what are you doing instead? What would a camera see? Compare the list of actions to the thoughts you jotted down in #1. What do you see comparing these lists?
When your actions are out of alignment with your goal, ask what you don’t like about achieving your goal. What!?! This is a different approach to problem solving. Listen to all the ways your mind says the goal will cause problems for you. Is there a part of your brain that is fighting this goal because it thinks something unsavory will happen in your life?

If you take the time to do this work, you will be well rewarded.

If what you do doesn’t match what you say you want, well, that’s valuable information.

It’s an opportunity to reflect, learn and recalibrate.

Then…you have an opportunity to make a decision. You can choose to…

Change the goal.
Or quit it.
Or recommit and develop a plan to manage your resistance.

In your gut, you probably know what’s best for you.

Pay attention to yourself, your gaps and then choose to do what you really, really want!

Enjoy exploring!
P.S. Please click here to sign up for my free mini-class “3 Ways to Reduce Stress TODAY!”

person standing of brown wooden bridge with missing plank — Photo by Quinten de Graaf on Unsplash

“Change” or “Choose”? (Word Swap!)

February 15, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

The word “change” shows up a lot in conversation.

We are encouraged to change ourselves, our communities, our opinions, you name it.

Is “change” a word in your daily rotation?

Notice whether you use “change” frequently in your talk with others or in your self talk.

In my practice with coaching clients, I pay very close attention to word choice. It’s a treasure trove of information, observing what people say, what words mean to them, and how certain words make an individual feel and why.

So, today I offer you a simple word swap to amplify your own self-awareness.

When you notice saying “change”, consider substituting the word “choose.”

“I really need to change how I’m thinking about…” becomes “I can notice my thinking and choose something on purpose.”
“I know I can’t change my partner, but…” becomes “I choose to accept my partner as is, and decide what to do from there.”
“Things never change at work, it’s the same old [bleep], different day…” becomes “I can choose how I show up at work. I can be an example of the change that I value.”

It sounds like positive thinking, “fake it ‘til ya make it” garbage, doesn’t it?

Sure, I know, it might…!

But find a few “change” thoughts to practice this for yourself. Use what I offered as a jumping off point.

Notice how asking or hoping for change can feel ever so slightly disempowering. (Or, sometimes, straight up disempowering!)

Stepping into “choose” is – bam! – super powerful.

Hoping for change is future tense.

Bemoaning lack of change rarely, if ever, results in effective, lasting adjustments to behaviors or culture today, when your choices matter.

Choose what you can decide for yourself right now.

Choose pivots you exactly where your control is…in deciding how to show up for yourself on purpose.

Want to see change in your health? Decide what to choose for yourself today, then choose your plan for tomorrow.
Want to improve your friendships? Choose who you want to be close to and choose feelings and actions that move you closer.
Want to have a more romantic partnership? Choose an attitude of romantic partnership and how that version of you shows up for you and your partner.
Want to enjoy work? Choose to list the top 5 good things about your work every day. Create evidence in your mind of what you do enjoy, no change required.

The world does not need to change.

The people in your life do not need to change.

You do not even need to change.

You simply have the opportunity to choose…and choose again, over and over.

Make your choices intentional.

Choose…how to show up for yourself today.

Choose…what work is meaningful for you and choose when and how to do it.

Choose…how you want to care for your body today.

Choose…what you give your attention. (And thanks for choosing this article!)

Choose…how you show love.

Choose…who you follow.

Choose…how you decide to lead.

I challenge you to find your “change” thoughts this week and consider thinking a “choose” thought on purpose.

Run the experiment for yourself and see what, if anything, shifts in how you feel about your life.

Let me know how it goes – I’d love your feedback on what a change to “choose” creates for you!

P.S. Please click here to sign up for my free mini-class “3 Ways to Reduce Stress TODAY!”

woman with jacket on front of concrete building — Photo by Letizia Bordoni on Unsplash

Your Life While You Sleep

February 8, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

Does she even have a name? I call her “Night Walker.”

She’s not very expressive, either words or facial expressions.

She doesn’t worry or feel the low grade anxiety that seems to follow me around most of the time.

She’s intense, like a character who stepped out of the inky pages of a comic book.

She has no bills to pay.

She never sits in a car pool or wonders when to fit her workout into her schedule.

It’s often nighttime in her world.

There is nothing she cannot face, handle or conquer.

Night Walker is me, or at least a part of me.

She’s the part of me who moves my dream story line forward.

She is my sleep self, the counterpart to this self telling you her story.

And she is as real to me as the other parts of me, the waking parts. Her personality is indelible.

My dreams are the stuff of Hollywood script writers, action packed with heightened sense of boldness.

I’ve become enchanted by my dream life and the version of “me” who lives within it.

While you are asleep, what happens to your life?

Do you think of your dream life as a valid, real part of your life, one that has meaning and story, or is it transient and worth less than your waking life?

I’m fascinated with the life I have while my awake persona rests, my arms and legs paralyzed to prevent me from acting out bizarre plot lines.

I enjoy experimenting with this part of my life, building a bridge between this “me” and the “me” I’ve named Night Walker.

To help you develop a relationship with your sleep/dream self, I offer a handful of suggestions to you:

#1 Have a routine that allows you to transition from the daily hustle ‘n’ grind to a restful state.

I have a routine of reading a daily affirmation/suggestion then writing in my “one line a day” journal. Then I ask myself a question or plant an intention for my sleeping, dreaming self. Sometimes I’ll ask Night Walker to go on a mission to find an answer or idea for me.

Weird? Maybe.

Effective? Yes.

Fun? Absolutely!

#2 Practice paying attention to your thoughts when you first wake.

When you wake, notice whether you get an answer to a question that’s been on your mind. This could be as simple as a picture, word, or feeling.

I like to see whether the messenger of my sleep self brought something meaningful for me, like a gift. I say thank you to Night Walker for her participation in our combined life.

#3 Develop a relationship with your sleeping self.

Eat well, exercise, do what you can for this version of you who is working to reset and recharge your mind at rest. For me, this looks like making sleep a priority, including how I encourage my body to move through natural rhythms. For example, I tend to cut off caffeine by 10 AM and avoid eating a few hours before I plan to go to sleep.

Your sleep self could have real, valuable contributions to your waking life.

It’s all you, after all. You simply get to decide whether this version of you is a valued member of the Team of You.

I adore Night Walker and borrow her personality when Waking Lisa could benefit.

And I like to imagine that I have more access to my 24 hour/day life than I previously dreamed possible.

It’s a playful game with no downside, so why not?
P.S. Please click here to sign up for my free mini-class “3 Ways to Reduce Stress TODAY!”

person walking on road side at night time — Photo by Gabriel on Unsplash

Relationship Desires & Preferences

February 1, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

What are your deepest desires?

I work with people on their desires, whether their passionate desire is for a tight butt or more sex or to feel consistently peaceful.

And it’s caused me to reflect on the distinction of desires and preferences, especially in partnered relationships.

One phrase that makes me cringe is “I have needs.”

Because this phrase usually has an unspoken clause: “And I expect my partner to want/participate in satisfying my needs. Oh, yeah, and they should want to want to meet my needs.”

And if the other person doesn’t…then what?

Representing the other side, I have several clients who say, “I don’t want to give in because they expect me to!”

If the other person wants something and you genuinely don’t…then what?

For starters, the only person that you have authority over is you.

Your desires are yours to choose and to satisfy, if you make this desire a priority.

That said, I find it helpful to frame a distinction between “desire” and “preference.”

Desire could be described as a hunger, a drive, an ambition, an urge, a goal, a dream.

A desire is completely neutral and not urgent until you think it’s urgent.

Preferences are your wish list for getting your desire satisfied.

Here’s an example:

Partner A desires sex twice a day. Partner B does not.

Who wins when partner A has “needs” and partner B does not?

This came up in a session. What we discovered is that partner B is not opposed to sex. They just have preferences for when sex seems like their idea, too.

They both share a desire to be in a relationship with each other.

One partner prefers that the connection is sexual at a certain frequency.

Another partner prefers having their genuine sexual nature respected and that sex is not rushed or expected.

Is this an impasse? Not unless they make it one.

Not unless they decide that there is right or wrong or that one desire takes primacy over another desire.

You simply decide whether one partner’s preference is going to be a relationship factor…or not.

I like the song “Birdhouse in Your Soul” by They Might Be Giants. It’s total nonsense, true late 1980s style.

If my partner decides to end the relationship because I play this song on repeat, okey-dokie.

If they decide to yell at me when I play the song on max volume, okey-dokie.

If they shrug their shoulders and leave the room, okey-dokie.

If they brag to their friends that they’ve found the perfect girl because she has “Birdhouse in Your Soul” as her ringtone, okey-dokie.

Feel free to substitute this analogy with a sexual wish of your choosing.

My desire is to feel uninhibited and playful and singing “put a bee in your bonnet” loudly could be my preference for achieving that desire.

My partner need not share with either my desire nor my preference for us to have a healthy relationship.

Same with sex – frequency, style, props – or how the house is maintained or how children are parented.

What is your deepest desire?

And how can you take 100% responsibility for achieving your desire without assigning ANY ownership to your chosen life partner?

Seriously…what possibilities could this open up for you?

You can have a fantastic, fulfilling relationship with someone who has vastly different preferences and priorities, sexual or otherwise. Consider how that might be possible and how rich a relationship like that might be.

P.S. Please click here to sign up for my free video + PDF “3 Ways to Reduce Stress TODAY!”

brown bread on white plastic tray — Photo by Blake Carpenter on Unsplash

Are You a Novel or Short Story Collection?

January 25, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

Recently, I realized that I was holding myself to an arbitrary standard.

That a well-lived human life is supposed to be a novel.

I am the main character, the protagonist, if you will.

And my life is an interconnected story with a start, middle and end.

This assumption was not serving me.

In fact, it was hurting me.

In trying to write my life as a novel, I couldn’t help but notice and draw attention to the inconsistencies.

The plot gaps.

The unexplained character drops or replacements.

The simple fact that I, the original character, had inexplicable differences in “personality” from one chapter to another.

Instead, one day, I had a flash of beautiful, compassionate insight.

My life is a series of vignettes.

A collection of short stories.

My life is not a novel, building coherently toward a prorgressive plot and a tidy or profound finish.

I’m a hot mess, a beautiful and magical amalgam of lives. Plural.

I am living LIVES. Plural. Lucky me, right?

I’m a cautious but silly child.

I’m a studious, ambitious student who’s hell bent on competing with ghosts and shadows.

A sexy cowgirl at a Texas rodeo, singing and dancing my ass off.

An awkward, reluctant middle aged woman who feels out of place at a suburban book club.

A rowdy single mom who is more Rage Against the Machine than Wheels on the Bus as she educates her children on American history through the playlists of the decades.

A wise, calm mentor and life coach who can hear the darkest of dark secrets and love you more because of it.

Sometimes I’m 3-5 of these people in a single day. Delicious!

My story does not make sense even to me, and I’ve been in every scene.

I used to feel shame about the lack of coherence in my life story.

Who is this character?

Is she introverted or extroverted? In love or destined to be alone? Cerebral or whimsical? Generous or narcissistic?

Yes.

I am all that and more. Depends on which story that I’m living in at the moment.

My clients come to me all the time hungry to write a coherent story with a strong ending.

And…I tend to attract fellow short story life writers.

More in the style of Flannery O’Connor and Ray Bradbury and Anne Lamott.

What about you?

Do you want your life to read like a novel?

Who will read it when you’re gone?

Do you like the living of your current plot line?

Or…

Do you want to be a collection of short stories, at times incoherent or inconsistent?

Do you like living your plot line?

Are you ready to switch to another story?

Wrap the current plot line up gracefully…

Or…

Leave it hanging just like…P.S. Please click here to sign up for my free video + PDF “3 Ways to Reduce Stress TODAY!”

lighted we are all made of stories red neon wall signage inside room — Photo by S O C I A L . C U T on Unsplash

How to File Compliments

January 18, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

“Darling, you are so beautiful.”

Yes, you might think so.

“It’s so good to have you on our team!”

Yes, you might think so.

“I really appreciate you!”

Yes, you might think so.

And that’s lovely…for them. Doesn’t it feel good to deliver a compliment?

One of the unexpected side effects of feeling emotionally self-sustaining is that my ability to take a compliment has changed.

I enjoy them but in the same way I enjoy seeing a bright blue sky or hearing a birdsong – lovely but not personal.

Compliments are lovely but they don’t fuel my self-concept at all anymore.

This is one of the greatest gifts of coaching for me since I used to go fishing for feedback constantly.

I was disappointed if I didn’t receive an “atta girl!” from a colleague or my boss. I took my annual work performance review personally, as a list of action items I must implement to be more worthy and competitive. (When, really, it’s just 1 person’s opinion in most companies…)

I was sad when my partner didn’t notice when I put in extra effort to my appearance.

(As if my partner’s ability or willingness to observe then speak words about his observation mattered at all about how loveable I am as a person.)

Getting good feedback would have me floating on clouds of joy. I used to incorporate that feedback into my self-concept as proof of my “goodness.”

Negative feedback (or feedback that I coded as “negative”) would have me venting to friends, miffed, delivering the silent treatment or feeling desperate to get back into someone’s “good graces.” I used to incorporate that feedback into my self-concept as proof of my utter failure to be where I expected myself to be.

Riding that roller coaster made me miserable.

Now I can see compliments and complaints for what they are…

Simply one person’s opinions at a certain point in time.

That’s it.

Neurons fired in such a way that their words float into my perception.

I get to make it mean ANYTHING or NOTHING that I want.

So, what’s changed?

Well, I feel like I’m more likely to GIVE compliments because I love when I feel love for another person and it’s fun to send that out into the world.

I’m more likely to see compliments and complaints as information. I look for the lesson and then let it go.

Feedback really is a gift. It’s only a gift. It can be accepted or rejected or ignored.

But…please don’t make one person’s opinion of you at a certain point in time comprise your personality.

You’re the artist of your personality.

Which means that what you think about you is truly, cognitively, practically everything.

Enjoy the journey to emotional self-reliance. It’s truly magical.

P.S. Please click here to sign up for my free video + PDF “3 Ways to Reduce Stress TODAY!”

shallow focus photo of white and gray bird — Photo by Santiago Lacarta on Unsplash

Accepting Others’ Decisions

January 11, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

Last time, I talked about the value of making decisive decisions. It’s either “yes” or “no.”

Avoid the middling in between answers that erode trust in yourself.

Now I’d like to offer my guidance on accepting other people’s decisions.

Other people are deciding things non-stop, too.

There is either a “yes” or everything but “yes”…which is “no.”

People are notorious for “people pleasing.”

People pleasing is doing things in order to preserve social goodwill.

You could argue that the desire to please others and retain their goodwill is hardwired into us as tribe mammals.

Fine, that may be true. Still, you get to decide how to interpret other people’s actions and make your own decision in response.

When someone answers a request with anything but a clean “yes” or “no,” please feel free to do the rounding up for them.

It’s either a “yes, I’ll…” or “no.”

If they give you anything but a “yes” answer, do yourself and them a favor and round it up to a “no.”

I do this in business.

Them: “Well, I’d like to join the program but this isn’t a good time because…”

Me: “Okay, so I’ll put you down as a no.”

This tends to move people off center and it removes ambiguity for both of us.

In both business or personal interactions, I seek clean, crisp, tidy “yes” or “no” answers.

And anything else is a “no.”

This has been a HUGE boost for my personal relationships, too.

I recently asked someone for a favor. The answer came back in several messages spaced out over time. “Well, I’m not sure…” and “It depends on…”

So I categorized the response as a clear, crisp, tidy “no.”

I didn’t need to follow up.

I didn’t need to feel upset that it was unresolved.

I didn’t need to wonder what they meant.

They had said “no” over the course of 2 days.

But a “no” was a “no” and it meant that I was free to offer the invitation to another person.

I cannot begin to describe how much stress this has alleviated from my life.

And when people in my life learn that I’m a “yes” or a “no” kinda gal, they know they need to answer decisively.

I’m like Willy Wonka’s golden egg sorter.

Yes? or No? Down the chute and I’m moving on.

This reinforces a trusting relationship with myself. And people know that they can trust me when I say, “I’m marking your answer as a ‘no’ and moving on.”

I ask myself to be a decisive decision maker.

That’s what I model for others.

And the lack of ambiguity has completely changed how much joy I feel and decreased my stress in relationships with others.

Seriously. Try it for a month.

See what your experiment yields for you.

If someone wants to “people please” with a soft “no,” that’s their prerogative.

But I always know how to sort my inputs so everyone’s decisions – theirs and mine – are clear and actionable for me.. #bossmove

P.S. Please click here to sign up for my free video + PDF “3 Ways to Reduce Stress TODAY!”

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Lisa Schwaller