Future Self

Quittin’ Easy

May 27, 2023 by Lisa Schwaller

Matthew McConaughey has been promoting his new online course “Roadtrip – The Highway to More.”

I watched him in a conversation with Marie Forleo. Their conversation has inspired so much deep reflection about my life.

He said something that really touched my heart (minute 39):

“If I cannot do what it is that I want to do, I’m gonna quit doing what I’ve been doing.”

He’s describing his transition from being a leading man in romantic comedies to getting offers to play dramatic roles.

He’s describing what it is to leave something comfortable – fully walk away – not knowing if what he wants will even become available to him.

It struck me how often we are reluctant to let go of a situation because it’s comfortable.

Easy, even.

When you’re striking out on a journey for something that you may not get, well…no wonder we waver.

I had a situation where I was doing the ol’ pros and cons comparison for a decision my gut had already made.

Why?

Because it’s hard to quit something easy.

Yet we usually know when it’s time to sign up for a challenge.

To ask ourselves what we want deep in our souls.

To quit doing what we’re doing that’s blocking our path to creating what we want next.

Is there something you want to create?

Different work, maybe, or a different kind of relationship with yourself or others?

Maybe the thing you want is just to shake things up, to get a new change of scenery.

Here’s how you can work through quittin’ easy for yourself:

“What do I want now and why?” Think about a 1-3 year time horizon.
“What am I doing now that is blocking what I want?”
“What do I need to quit to get what I want?”
“How can I prepare in advance for when I get invited back on the easy path? What will tempt me and how will I handle those temptations?”
“What support can I put in place for this hard road I’m going on by quittin’ easy?”

Most of us want a life full of courage and adventure.

Most of us want to create a legacy of leadership.

What easy things in your life are standing in your way? Decide if you’re willing to quit ‘em.
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

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Power Phrase: “Simplify to Amplify”

May 13, 2023 by Lisa Schwaller

I recently watched an amazing conversation between Marie Forleo and Matthew McConaughey. (It’s so good. Watch it here.)

Marie shared one of her favorite phrases, “simply to amplify.”

Now, where have I been all my life that I haven’t heard one of my favorite concepts said with such rhyme?

I’ve also heard and love the phrase “go slow to go fast.”

I am all for choosing focus, constraining one’s attention to a few priorities.

And…wowza.

How hard is it to constrain yourself when you’re an interesting person who is interested in people, places and things?

Super duper hard!

And yet, a well-lived life is as much about editing and deciding as making “good” decisions in the first place.

(Whatever a “good” decision is!)

Our life is a series of experiments.

We pursue interests and status and growth and whatever else floats our boat.

We make decisions and learn from our individual experience of actually living into those decisions.

Over time, our preferences and likes and wishes and desires start to stack up in our hearts, minds, expenses, and calendars. It becomes psychic clutter.

How can you embody the spirit of “simply to amplify”?

The mission: Only keep what is worth your non-refundable life energy.

How will you know what those things are?

You feel a positive emotional connection to continuing them.
You feel a negative emotional connection to the consequence of letting them go.
Be real with yourself! Discerning! Don’t let your scaredy cat brain keep you where you should no longer be!

Q2: How often should you simplify?

Keep it simple and ask yourself what works for you.
Perhaps you adjust as you feel a shift in your commitment.
Maybe you plan a quarterly priorities review.

How can you make “simply to amplify” as simple to implement as possible for you?

Go forth.

Choose well.

Travel light.

Live with commitment and heart.

Enjoy the ride.

Alright, alright, alright…

P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

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Choose Your Own Pace for Authentic Success

April 15, 2023 by Lisa Schwaller

Are you happy with the pace of your life?

More specifically, what do you think about the pace of your goal achievement?

One of the communities that I’m in talks a lot about goals. Results. Making things happen.

The strong cultural focus on outcomes makes it inevitable that there would be comparisons, whether intentionally or not.

What I realized after coaching hundreds of people is that goal achievement isn’t the only evidence of progress.

I’m working with a client who has a dream of a successful business, one that can sustain their family while making their community a better place.

There was so much pressure being generated inside this client’s mind. It sounded like, “Why am I not getting this dream faster?”

The focus on the goal – revenue – made it hard to see progress.

The truth is that for this client, they had a lot of personal growth and healing to do.

They come from a traumatic childhood full of violence and other limitations which impacted their ability to mature as a self-confident adult.

Because of their background, my client has not been great at dealing with opinions because feedback from other people is often interpreted as criticism.

Criticism would trigger their “I’m not worthy” thought process. And down the rabbit hole of self-loathing they would go.

In the process of working through their thought patterns in coaching, they now believe new things, thoughts that were not even on their radar 3-4 years ago.

For example, here are a few of my client’s new beliefs, beliefs created because of their willingness to show up ready to work in their weekly coaching sessions:

“I have thoughts. My thoughts are not me. They come from my brain but they do not reflect everything that I might believe about myself or do in the future.”
“The future can be different from the past.”
“I like myself and I’m on my side.”
“I make good decisions with the information available.”
“I want my life to be meaningful, about service and not just about protecting and surviving.”

These belief changes are HUGE. Massive.

These changes in how my client sees the world is changing her life beyond description. She’s showing up more expansively and connected at home and at work.

I wholeheartedly believe that the revenue numbers in her business will start to reflect this internal work.

What we learned is that the work done by each individual – the inner work and the outer work – takes as long as it takes.

Each of us has an invitation to find our own gear. Some people are able to go fast, long, and hard to win the race. Others of us need time to putter around, to get the feel of the movement before accelerating.

Pace isn’t the only way to amplify your perception of your success.

Goal achievement isn’t the only marker of success.

I believe that meaningful success is growing your capacity for what you believe about yourself and what you can contribute to this world. And, perhaps, inspiring others to grow their capacity, too.

I encourage all of you who are going at your own pace, finding your own gear, healing your hearts and minds, and being wildly successful from the inside out. Find your gear. Keep on moving from love, compassion, and self-kindness. Moving at the pace of your self-trust is a good way to journey in this life.
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

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The Disturbing Quiet of a Focused Mind

February 21, 2023 by Lisa Schwaller

Where is your focus and attention in any given week or month?

I closed out the end of last year doing a dive into where I think I spend my time compared to how I actually spend not only my time but my mental attention.

I asked myself to focus on one goal (change initiative). Just. One.

I asked myself to trim anything non-essential, not taking me toward that one single goal.

And I encouraged myself to stop making things into projects that didn’t need to be projects.

In that process, I noticed how much of my doing was stirring up dust of doing-ness. Oh, so impressive, the whirling dust cloud of a busy person in motion doing all the things! Look at me! Oh, how does she do it all?!?

Can you relate?

Let me give a specific example that I hear about a lot.

Consider your to-do list.

Do you have any tasks that you move, delay, put off until another time?

I call this task snoozing.

In most cases, a task is snoozed because:

It will be boring, hard, annoying to do and we don’t wanna today.
It’s a task that doesn’t matter but we think we “should” do it for one reason or another.

I found that the tighter I constrained my goal and the more I asked myself,

“Does this action move me closer or further away?”…

Well, the more I realized that what I was left with was a tailored, dialed-in, and, yes, short list of action items.

It got quiet.

No more dust swirls around a busy woman.

It was kind of odd, no dust, short to-do list.

Just me and that disturbing quiet of a list of hard things that actually move the needle.

This is great news.

And it’s been pretty awful news.

I didn’t realize how much those whirling motions were distracting me and keeping my mind busy and making me feel productive and important.

The focus on one project has encouraged me to reckon with my behaviors of distraction and “busy-ness.”

I ask myself, “Does this action move me closer or further away?” It’s become my only decision criteria for project tasks.

I decide what to do. Then I do it.

My schedule and task list reflect the one goal.

There’s no place for me to hide from myself and, huh, what an adventure that has been for me.

Give it a try. See what it’s like to make your own life very quiet and focused. What might you be able to create?

P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

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Exceptional Self-Listening

January 24, 2023 by Lisa Schwaller

I told myself: “Don’t answer that email yet. It really can wait. Take a minute to listen, please.”

One of my coworkers was lashing out at team members when they were offering to help solve a problem. I could feel my blood pressure rising. “This is unfair! I’m not doing her ‘homework’ again!”

I paused. Took a deep breath. Then I asked myself, “Where can I listen better in this situation?”

My shoulders dropped – I could feel the tension melting away.

Most human beings love to be human doings.

We like to get in action to solve the puzzles that make up our lives, even if the action is “to plan” or “to engage,” like responding quickly to that message.

We detect a problem or an opportunity.

We plan.

We talk.

We get in motion.

But sometimes the best way to create intentional, meaningful change is to take a few beats to just listen.

Today I want to share one of my favorite change strategies:

I have a habit of asking myself, “Where can I listen better?”

For me and a lot of my clients, the simple act of asking ourselves that question can bring up a physical response of relief and, yes, self-connection.

Pause to consider what your own experience is.

How well do you listen to yourself, to all the wisdom that you have within?

Or are you too often “doing” your way to a solution?

Here are suggestions for practicing the art of exceptional self-listening:

When you start your day, ask “What do I want to tell myself to prepare for the day ahead?”
When you’re feeling stressed or anxious, ask “What part of me am I not paying enough attention to?”
When you have a disagreement or you’re judging someone, ask “What are they trying to share that I’m not listening carefully to?” and “Is there something I want myself to know, but my frustration is blocking that wisdom?”

Listening is a powerful tool for growth.

Listening for your true, deep desires and values.

Listening for changes in your priorities.

Listening for wisdom that doesn’t need a Google search, book, or asking a friend to know what step to take next.

In fact, listening is demonstrating self-trust that you are fully capable of deciding each next step from moment-to-moment, when it’s required.

The more I listen to myself, the more confident I become and the better my decisions seem to be.

Try it. Try exceptional self-listening. You might discover your best, most trusted advisor is always within you.
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

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Celebrating 2022’s Most Impactful Relationships

December 27, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

Who did you spend the most time with in the past 11-12 months?

Yourself, of course. You are the only person you spend time with around the clock.

And you likely have a satellite of people who are in your life regularly.

Evaluating who you spend time with – and why – can be a powerful way to reflect on your year.

And reflecting on what’s working and what you want to change is a great way to approach goal setting.

Let’s review and celebrate your most impactful relationships from this year.

#1 List your most frequent interactions.

Consider the following life areas:

Family (immediate and extended)
Career/business, including day-to-day and networking partnerships
Friends
Social media, including groups you participate in
Health and community, like people at your gym or at your kid’s school

In general, who are the 1-3 people you spend time with most frequently from each one of those life areas?

Who has had the most positive impact on your world in the past year?

Are there people that you would like to spend more or less time with and…why?

The “why” part of this question is very important. Your answer reveals your values, your obstacles, and sometimes your wishes for your future. There is no judgment about completing this step – just notice what comes up for you and how your mind tells the story about it.

My closest personal relationships are with my kids because they see me at my silliest and most relaxed. I sometimes joke that I wish I could be 100% of the time the way I feel like when I’m with them.

It’s helpful to ask yourself, “How do my most frequent interactions make me feel?”

#2 List the people that you think about most often

There are the people we spend time with in direct interactions.

And many of us think about people that we don’t interact with on a regular basis.

Consider the following prompts to see who your mind thinks about frequently, in addition to the people from #1:

Old romantic relationships
Family members that you’ve lost touch with or who have passed
Friends or coworkers that you’ve lost touch with

What do you feel when you go over this list?

I have someone who appears in my dreams consistently. I used to judge myself, wonder why I wasn’t “over him,” and really felt ashamed about how often he’d appear in my dream life. After coaching myself, I realized that this person continues to have a very loving, enjoyable impact in my life…even if we hardly talk in person. I decided to make it neutral – he’s just a character in my dream stories. It didn’t have to mean a single thing about me unless I let my thinking run away with the storytelling.

It seems most people that I work with feel embarrassed to be thinking “so much” about someone who isn’t in their life anymore…or grief at someone they can’t reach out to any more. Yet it’s nothing to judge and create more stress about. Instead, noticing that you’re thinking about these people has a great deal to teach you about yourself, and can be a wonderful way to connect with the type of people you’d prefer to have in your life.

# Decide what changes you want to make moving forward

Relationships are one area of life where people seem to easily fall into routine.

Close social relationships can be challenging to cultivate in a busy life filled with work and family.

Some people tend to be more social than others, and there is a strong cultural bias for “more is more” when it comes to friendship. This expectation seems to cause a great deal of stress for many of my clients. (Aren’t we all supposed to have at least 5 mixed gender close friends that we see everyday?!?)

In the spirit of celebration, reflect on and acknowledge the strong bonds you have in your life already.

Celebrate the information that comes from reviewing your most frequent actual and imagined relationships over the past year.

I did this exercise myself before writing it up for you. I was reminded that the people I let into my world have a great deal of impact over where I spend my focus, not just my minutes. Some communities just “vibe” better with the behaviors and characteristics that I want to cultivate. Checking in to evaluate my relationship focus helps me be more intentional in this important area of my life. I celebrate those who are traveling with me…and the wishes I have to refine my most impactful relationships in the coming year.
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

Celebrating 2022’s Most Frequent Thoughts & Feelings

December 13, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

It’s hard to believe another calendar year is coming to a close.

Has it been what you expected?

What did you accomplish?

I’ve become a believer in the art and delight of celebration.

Part of celebrating means “reverse engineering” what worked well and why.

As part of reflecting on your previous 11-12 months, I invite you to fill in the following prompts:

#1 List your most frequent THOUGHTS (3-5 thoughts/life area)

Have you ever noticed – really, really noticed – the constant stream of thinking?

There’s the thinking you “hear” and then all the thinking that doesn’t even catch your attention.

Here’s a scenario: Next time you are parked at a stoplight, notice the thinking.

You might notice the “about them” thoughts: “That car sure is going fast…” or “I wonder where they’re going today…”

Then there’s the thinking you don’t even notice – paying attention to the lights, whether anyone’s in the crosswalks, keeping your foot on the brake. There’s so much thinking that you don’t even pay attention to or you might lose your mind. Ha!

Now, think of your largest projects in the past year, things like your health, your business or career, your family, your romantic relationship, the relationship with yourself.

Write down all of those life areas and list your top 3-5 thoughts about each one.

Are your habitual thoughts expansive, loving, and creative?

Or are they contractive, judgmental, and limit your possibilities?

When you’re done with this exercise, you might see opportunities to practice new thoughts in each of your primary life areas next year. List 2-3 thoughts you’d love to practice on purpose.

#2 List your most frequent FEELINGS (3 “expansive” or “positive” and 3 “contractive” or “negative”)

Most of us have feeling habits.

Our habit feelings come from our habitual, default, unexamined thinking.

Reflecting back on the year past, what are your most common feelings?

I don’t like to label feelings “positive” or “negative” but it is a shortcut description for most of us.

Feelings are powerful indicators of where our minds are at.

I do not expect myself to be “happy” or “positive” all the time. I mean, goodness!, my dog has no worries in this life and sometimes she’s impatient and worried like during a noisy thunder storm.

All humans with our sophisticated minds have a range of high vibe and low vibe feelings.

What are your most common go-to feelings?

Look at those life areas again. Write your top feelings for each one.

You might see “business/career” and feel proud, stuck, challenged, bored, supported, or frustrated.

When you see your most frequent feelings, do you see opportunities for adjustments?

What changes would you like to make next year?

#3 Decide what you’d like to practice next year

The exercises to write down your list of most frequent thoughts and feelings is essentially an invitation to increase awareness of your habit of mind.

After all, we become what we think, feel, and do on repeat.

The coming new year is a wonderful opportunity to reflect on what you want to create in your life.

When you know what you want to create, you can reverse engineer your way into what you’d likely be thinking and feeling to make those wishes come true.

And I, for one, really believe you can make your dreams come true.

Let’s have fun with these exercises…and see what we learn about ourselves in the process!
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

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What Do You Want?

November 29, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

The year is coming to a close.

Many of us are pondering the year. What we’ve created. What we want to create.

Most people use January as a starting line for new (or renewed) dreams.

So let’s use December to connect to desire.

Often, we think about what we want to do and who we want to become.

And sometimes those actions and goals are based on what we genuinely want for ourselves.

But sometimes, our dreams are based in:

What we think we should be, do, and have
What we think other people expect us to be, do, and have
Social conditioning about how people in general should be and behave

The coaching relationship often reveals how much people are operating from conditioned desire instead of genuine desire.

Let’s break it down

Conditioned Desire

Conditioned desire is a phrase to describe the expectations we collect from our culture, our family systems, our peer influences, our personal experiences, etc. These expectations often get written into our minds as wants, pressures, checklists we’re supposed to meet and so on.

This is not inherently negative nor positive. In fact, conditioned desire is totally neutral. It’s our brain doing exactly what it was designed to do – observe important events, react, and then tell ourselves a story about how it affects us.

And the power of coaching is learning your conditioning so you can choose it on purpose instead of just reacting with your reactive brain.

Humans have the power of cognition and decisions so let’s use them!

Genuine Desire

Genuine desire is best described as:

Knowing ourselves intimately
Knowing what we want for ourselves despite what anyone else says (and I mean anyone!)

It’s common for people to be living their lives and unintentionally making choices from the frame of conditioned desire.

And it’s also common for people to come into awareness of this and want to make changes.

Perhaps a few adjustments are all that’s needed.

And some people want to overhaul their thinking.

Many people will draw a blank when I ask the seemingly simple question, “What do you want?”

Learning Your Genuine Desires

Here is a short but mighty powerful process to parse out conditioned desire from genuine desire:

Choose 1 goal or dream
Ask yourself, “Why? Why do I want this?” Encourage yourself to list 25 reasons. A list of 25 reasons is not easy and it’s totally worth challenging your mind to deepen your relationship with your “why.”
Then ask, “What do I think is available to me when I reach that goal?”
Also ask, “What if what I want is available to me today, right now?” (This one is a thinker! But see what your mind offers you.)
Finish by asking, “So…with all this information, what do I really, really want?”

One example is weight loss. “I want to lose weight…” could turn into “I want to feel good about myself and make healthy choices for myself on a consistent basis.”

Connecting with your conditioned desires – habits, expectations, preferences – is good work.

Taking the time to surface your genuine desires will change how you set goals, how you treat yourself, and what you think is possible for your life.

How’s that sound as you start dreaming of the new year?
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

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Future Self