Future Self

When I’m 64…!

August 30, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

I am completely charmed by the song “When I’m Sixty-Four” written by Paul McCartney when he was 14.

I am quite a bit closer to being 64 now than when I first fell in love with this tune in my teen years.

When I first heard it, I liked this idea of a full yet simple life filled with family.

Recently I celebrated a birthday, one that some people consider a milestone.

For me, I celebrate in my own ways, ways that are very personal to me.

This year, I felt particularly close to my future self during birthday “season.”

What will I be like when I’m 64? Or 84?

And how will today’s choices shape that experience?

So, today, I’ll play this game publicly.

When I’m 64…

I am fit and active. I still do my regular workouts with weights and cardio in my living room for convenience.
I stretch or do yoga each day to keep those tendons flexible.
I write often, a little bit almost every day, even if only for my own eyes.
I volunteer or work part-time in a position where friendly playfulness is a part of the job.
I coach in my business almost full-time because I love to work.
I probably have no interest in gardening. I doubt I’ll have stopped feeling aversion to outside chores by then.
But I will also likely be surprised with the interests I’ve developed and the ones I’ve let go of. Maybe I do grow a green thumb – who knows?
I have a friend that I meet at least monthly for walks around the lake.
I live somewhere by a beautiful lake walking trail.
I wake early and watch the sunrise with my herbal tea on the patio.
I talk to my kids every week, even if only by text message or hologram. Ha!

When I made this list, I noticed that I didn’t think about material things but more about simple daily experiences.

I noticed my mind wanting to color in the outlines, wanting to be certain about what it’s like “there” based on what I am experiencing “here.” So human!

At 64, I want to be mentally engaged, physically peppy, and have authentic, connected social relationships.

I am open to what shifts in career and business.

And that information is good enough for me today.

It informs what I’d like to have as baseline habits.

And it creates a sense of freedom to let other things evolve as they may.

I think there is a lot of pressure these days to create a grand life, to get things “right.”

We do only live this human life once, as far as we know.

So, for me, it’s important that I like my life. I like who I am in my own company or the company of others, I like how I contribute to my community, and I appreciate the joys even when life events are sad or challenging.

What about you?

I invite you to write your own list of what you imagine life will be like when you are 64.
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

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Where are you?

August 23, 2022 by LoveCoachLisa

Where are you right now?

Physically. Logistically. Financially. Socially.

This article is not about accepting who you are but where you are.

I coach people from their 20s to their 70s.

I hear the spectrum of discontent from “I should know where I’m going” to “I should have taken another path.”

Or…“I need to make the right decision…(or I’ll have ceaseless regret!)”

And… “I should have made a different decision. Because that career/partner/house/town would definitely have made me happier!”

One of my favorite coaching techniques is my Coach Lisa reset:

So…this is happening…

Now what?

That first part is such a stress diffuser because, well, wherever you go, there you are and you can powerfully move forward when you accept your starting place.

There are no right or wrong decisions, just decisions you later might label that way.

There are no undo buttons, not really.

Every crossroads is an invitation.

Every lesson learned is an opportunity to apply those lessons as you try, try again.

The days you’ve already lived have erased behind you like footprints in the sand being softened away by ocean waves.

The days ahead of you are mirages, never real.

What you have…only, ever, and always…is now.

So. What’s happening for you?

Write down the first unedited thought and feeling you have about each of these life areas:

Health
Finances
Romantic relationships
Family relationships
Friendships
Career / Business
Personal Development
Fun / Play
Community
Self-Love / Self-Compassion

What do you see in that list of thoughts?

It’s possible you could see appreciation, judgment, longing or desire, sadness or disappointment.

And…no matter your answer…can you accept what you are thinking and feeling today just for what it is?

Each one of your answers offers you information.

Now what do you want to do with that information?

Do you want to make it mean something about you, your identity, how you see yourself? You can, of course, yet know that the meaning making part may not always serve what you want to create. Get curious about that.

Do you want to observe these responses with curiosity, like a scientist enjoying the thrill of experimentation and discovery?

Would you like to learn? Pivot?

Maybe this activity causes you to think of new sentences.

“I am so out of shape!” could become “I can take care of this body starting today. I think I’ll do yoga this afternoon.”

“I married the wrong person!” could become “This is who I am married to. What kind of partner will I be…just for today?”

“I am so ashamed of my debt!” could become “These are today’s numbers. Would I like to take a small action for my financial future today?”

Accept first, and you’re better able to connect to the powerful decision making part of your mind.

Judgment and avoidance steal power from today…and what you could create for your future.
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

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Ask Amazing Questions

August 16, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

As students, we are taught to use questions as part of learning the skill of research and analysis.

In fact, there’s even a Wikipedia page on the “Five Ws.”

Most of us are familiar with these questions, in a certain order: who, what, where, when, why…and how.

Outside of our studies/work, however, most of us use these questions against ourselves:

Who…am I, should I be, is watching me (and are they judging me)?
What…is wrong with me, went wrong in the past, or will go wrong in the future?
Where…did I go wrong, will this lead?
When…did it start, will it stop, will I be able to finally relax?
Why…is this happening, can’t I get this right, can’t I figure this out, are they like that, am I like this?
HOW!? I need to know how NOW!

These questions rarely engage excellence in problem solving and they aren’t great for your relationship with yourself and others, either.

The two question words that show up most commonly in my coaching practice are “why” and “how.” These can be amazing questions, yet most people are not exploring “why” and “how” to their fullest potential.

We are often conditioned that asking “why” about our past will reveal a path forward.

Your past may be informative, even instructive, and yet your decisions are made from your present self for your future, no past input required. Using the past to decide what’s possible for you can be limiting.

And, of course, a lot of people want something or someone outside themselves to tell them “how.”

They want a certain recipe for success.

They want to know how the movie ends before they watch it.

With movies, we generally don’t like when someone reveals the twists, turns and endings…

And yet we want someone to take the responsibility for our “how” to avoid discomfort in our lives.

But your life doesn’t have a recipe. It’s thousands of opportunities to choose each day for all the days of your life.

So…what’s the alternative to these limiting, confusion and frustration and self-judgment inducing questions?

Consider these questions:

Who…do I want to be in the story of my life?
What…do I want to create with my life this year, or in 3 years, or in 10 years?
Where…can I create this? Where…does this choice lead?
Why…do I want to do this?
How…will I know I’m on track? How…can I enjoy the journey? How…can I show up for the relationship with myself and my life with this choice?
When… Use “when” if it serves the other questions or helps set a target for something you’d like to create.

A great way to ask better questions is to connect with who you want to become.

Imagine a version of you that you’d be so happy to meet.

This is a version of you that you are proud of and you feel so excited about what they’ve done.

Try to avoid letting your mind go into “will never happen” or “when” thinking.

Just connect with a version of you that makes you say “hell, yeah!”

Interview that person.

Who are they?
What have they created?
Where are they headed in the future?
Why do they make the choices they make?
How were they able to accomplish the things they are most proud of?
And…for the when question… When can you talk to that supportive, loving future self again?

Note that this amazing future version of you is a real person…if you literally create them from the thoughts you think today and the actions you take now.

Use questions – better questions – to tap into this vision and then connect to what you can do right now…today.

Was this helpful for you?
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

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How to: The Change Cycle

July 26, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

Do you know how to change your life?

I believe that you do. After all, your life likely looks very different than when you were 4 years old or 14 years old.

Yet confidence in your ability to change can seem elusive when you are pursuing goals that stretch you into a new self-concept.

It can be exciting to set a target, to focus your mind on something you want to create in your life.

But, of course, there might be setbacks and disappointments along the path to that change.

The speed bumps you encounter might drain the batteries from your “new goal” excitement.

These detours – especially the ones in our minds – are part of the process.

Consider this approach when traveling the “try, try again” path to lasting change.

Stage #1 – Awareness

We’ll use a simple analogy to bring the change cycle to life. Consider getting an email. The first step is seeing, “Ah, yes, new email.”

You are aware.

Let’s say you want to create a habit of being consistent with an exercise plan.

The first awareness is the desire: “I want to get in shape.” or “I want to be healthier in 3 years than I am today.”

At the same time, it helps to hone the skill of being aware of your resistance.

Thoughts like “I always quit, so why will anything be different now?” or “I worry that I’ll let myself down again.”

Feelings like uncertain, discouraged, inadequate, anxious or overwhelmed might rise up inside your body, begging for distraction or relief.

Stay with awareness. Be willing to notice what’s coming up for you without acting on an urge to make the resistance go away.

Stage #2 – Curious

The second stage is neutral curiosity. For the email, “What’s this about?”

When you’re changing your life, staying in the position of a neutral scientist will massively amplify your results.

Ask open ended questions like “What is this showing me?” and “How can I learn from my thoughts/feelings?” and “What would it be like to stay with this discomfort without pushing it away or quitting?”

Having an attitude of curiosity encourages you to collect data and analyze the results from a neutral position.

Stage #3 – Context

Next, see what you are making your thoughts and feelings mean. That email is mere pixels on a screen until you make it mean something about you and your life.

Perhaps you are feeling discouraged about missing a week of exercise. What is the meaning your mind is making about it?

It might be “See, here we go, giving up!” or “I always sabotage myself!”

Resistance doesn’t usually feel friendly or helpful. It often sounds judgmental and right/wrong in tone.

From that curious awareness, see if you are adding a layer of story on top of your experience.

Stage #4 – Decision/Commitment

Okay! You’re aware (this is happening), curious (I wonder what I can see from my experience), and you see the context your mind is creating (ah, yes, I see the storytelling there…).

Now is your chance to decide. What commitment do you want to make?

This isn’t a recommitment to your goal, per se.

This is an invitation to decide how you want to treat yourself at this moment.

Do you want to choose encouragement? “I know I didn’t exercise last week. The past is gone. What’s on plan for today?”

Do you want to choose playfulness? “Oh, Resistance, you’re such a dramatic character! Surely it’s not as bad as all that?!?”

You get to decide how to talk to yourself along the path to change.

How can you be your most enthusiastic champion, your unflagging supporter, your own best friend?
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with my podcast, “Less Stress, More Fun.” Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes are short (14-18 mins, on average), smart (lots of research) and fun (especially if you love 80s music).

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Nurture the Sprouts of Change

July 12, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

Do you have ideas?

The most fragile ideas are the new ideas you have about yourself.

These are the ideas you have about who you are becoming…but you’re not quite there yet.

Maybe you want to draw cleaner work/life boundaries.

Maybe you want to commit to a 3-5 day per week workout practice.

Maybe you want to see yourself as a full-time business owner.

Maybe you want to see yourself as sexy and intimately connected with your partner.

New ideas and practices take time to nurture.

I like to imagine these new things as a sprout.

A tiny sprout might find rain too wet.

The sun is too bright.

The wind is simply too windy, thank you very much.

Oh, that dear tender sprout.

That sprout doesn’t necessarily need protection.

It needs understanding.

For a tender green sprout, the elements are jarring.

So it might feel extra sensitive to feedback when you tell your mother-in-law that, no, you will not be hosting Christmas.

Or when you ask someone to work with you in your new business.

You understand that muscles in your body are tender when they’ve been asked to do something that they haven’t done in awhile (or ever!).

Sometimes we are surprised that our “choice” muscles might also feel clumsy and tender.

Here are my less stress, more fun suggestions for nurturing the sprouts of change in your life:

Use a mental image like this one of the sprout in weather. Imagine your seed sprouting, then getting taller, stronger.
When you notice the “too much, too much!” feelings and thoughts, remind yourself of why you decided to plant this seed in the first place.
Expect discomfort! We know this on an intellectual, logical level, and yet it shocks us when our nervous system protests the discomfort.

Every wonderful thing in your life started as a seed.

A possibility.

Few of us inherit stable, healthy oak trees of bounty and abundance.

Nurture your seed.

And if it gets stepped on, plant again.

Repeat.

Water with gratitude for your commitment.

Compost with inspiration.

Imagine your harvest.

Repeat.

You have permission to plant a garden of new ideas, habits, behaviors and commitments anytime you wish!
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with my podcast, “Less Stress, More Fun.” Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes are short (14-18 mins, on average), smart (lots of research) and fun (especially if you love 80s music).

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“This isn’t working!”

June 7, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

My client was impatient.

With me.

With the situation.

With how hard it was and how long it was taking.

With the bleepity-bleepity Microsoft Excel that she believed she couldn’t master.

She asked me…

“How will I know if it’s worth it?”

Excellent question.

I’ve learned that the word “how” is an escape hatch sometimes.

It’s one way the brain offers an escape from the discomfort of change, or trying something new.

The only way to know “how” is to “do.”

Another variation of this escape hatch thinking is “This isn’t working!”

Yes, sure, sometimes you run an experiment and it’s not going in the direction you want to continue.

You decide it’s not working.

Sometimes saying “This isn’t working!” from utter frustration is code for:

“This isn’t meeting my expectations.”
“This is so much harder than I thought it would be when I dreamed about doing this.”
“I feel uncomfortable and I prefer to feel comfortable.”

It’s not uncommon for frustration to be because we expected our change to be different than it is.

Yeah, great, Coach Lisa, now what?!

Well, when you are in frustration, perhaps even lashing out, mentally demanding relief NOW, here’s what you can do:

First, notice how you are talking to yourself about your frustration.
Ask if you are either comparing yourself to past versions of you or the expectation you had for how things should be going. This can sound like…”I knew that I couldn’t do this! I’ve NEVER been able to do this.” or “This is so, so much harder/longer/time-consuming/etc. This is not what I signed up for!”
Then, noticing all that…ask yourself if you want to terminate the experiment. Quit. Give up. Change direction. Notice your body’s reaction.

That’s where the decision point sits:

Keep going and sign up for possible frustration no matter how you allow and manage your thinking.
Quit and feel frustration about quitting or the next thing you try. 😂

Frustration is not an enemy.

It is not an emotion to be avoided.

You could even decide to accept it as both a fact of life and as an indicator of a life well lived.

I freakin’ hate growing myself.

There! You heard it from me, a thrice certified coach.

I get so frustrated and annoyed sometimes and my most-practiced pattern is to avoid or escape the discomfort.

As a coach, have I been able to get rid of frustration?

Yes and no.

Yes in the sense that I see my frustration as an indicator and then release it more quickly.

No in the sense that emotions arise in me the same as anybody.

In fact, when I sign up to do something new, I plan for my temper tantrums including the “This isn’t worth it!” and “This isn’t working!” responses.

I literally will factor that in.

I am working on a project that requires new software plus process. So…I’m planning extra time to learn and also doing some work early so that I can mentally clear the decks for the learning curve.

And… The surprising thing is that when I do this…I often minimize the frustration.

It’s like my mind says, “You can come if you want. I’m expecting you. Get cozy” and my rebellious frustration responds, “Well, shucks. That’s no fun. Nevermind!”

Try planning for and even inviting frustration the next time you try to make change in yourself, your family, or your community.

See what happens!
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with my podcast, “Less Stress, More Fun.” Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes are short (14-18 mins, on average), smart (lots of research) and fun (especially if you love 80s music).

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Finding New Perspectives

May 24, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

Coaching is a powerful way to enhance your strategic thinking capability.

For one thing, our brains have a cognitive bias for the perspective that we hold.

It’s not nefarious nor inherently harmful, but often we see what we see because that’s how we see it.

Keep in mind that a cognitive preference – the story your mind wrote – was likely written unintentionally, automatically.

Most of our thinking lies beneath the surface.

We have our cultural influences. Family. How we responded inside that family. School and career, and those limited inputs.

We shape ourselves and life as we know it from the clay at hand – what’s happening and how we think about it at the time.

In a way, it’s remarkable that any of us are able to change our minds when the external programming is so ubiquitous and our brains code in patterns without our agreement or cognitive consent.

Yes, one way to expand and adjust our thinking is to have new experiences.

And, of course, we can analyze our life’s events and our responses to inform our future-oriented decisions.

Yet I believe that our mind is most impacted and change is most accelerated by finding and exploring new, fresh perspectives.

I often make statements like this in coaching, particularly if I have a trust bond with the client:

That might be true. Or not.
Well, that is one way of looking at it…
What an interesting narrative about those events!
Such interesting word choices. Do you want me to reflect those words back to you?

Speaking for myself, I often do not even see a mental program running until I am being coached or have a situation where I intentionally reflect, like something not meeting expectations or working towards a goal.

So, dear reader, here are 3 easy-to-integrate suggestions for asking your brain to slow down and consider another perspective:

#1 Write the Police Report

Imagine you are writing a police report about a situation your mind is thinking about. “The basketball coach aggressively attacked my child’s driving in the parking lot before practice. She also fails to do what coaches should do and never provides positive feedback. The other parents and the governing organization completely disregards my complaints.” Phew. Not neutral! This is similar to a situation that often arrives in coaching. My job is to help my client see that they have a perspective that leaves little room for the other side of the story.

#2 Swap out adjectives for something opposite

In the above example, it might sound like, “The basketball coach lovingly provided feedback out of concern for my child’s safety. She also does exactly what I expect and provides fair, neutral feedback (or even none at all) so the children learn to look at their performance objectively instead of fishing for validation. I am delighted that my child is served by a community that fosters independence and encourages people to resolve conflicts like adults.” Same situation, entirely different perspective. Which one is true? Neither. Both are equally valid interpretations, though.

#3 Bring an Enemy Closer

Do you have someone that you despise? Real, imagined, close to you or far away?

How would that person see the situation? What if they were right and you were wrong?

I despise Walter White, one of the main characters from the TV show “Breaking Bad.” I can’t stand him. I could write an article just about how I can’t stand him. 😂

A few years ago, I had a lively discussion with someone who is a huge fan of this character.

It was an awesome reminder that we hold different perspectives.

Walter White’s view of himself and how the world works would not be my first choice of perspectives. Which is exactly why I sometimes invite this character to provide a fresh perspective on a situation.

What would he do? Is there any validity in his perspective?

If nothing else, it brings levity to something that I, too, am sure is right/accurate/etc. It adjusts my vision to be more expansive.

Try these suggestions. See how they work for you. Go hunting for new perspectives and notice how you grow in the process.
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with my podcast, “Less Stress, More Fun.” Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes are short (14-18 mins, on average), smart (lots of research) and fun (especially if you love 80s music).

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Word Swap! From “Good/Bad” to “Skilled/Evolving”

April 19, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

“I was doing really well with my eating plan until…”

“I’m bad with my finances…”

“I’m not good at romantic relationships…”

Eeek! Not “this or that” thinking striking again…with qualifiers!

Noooooo!!! Ha!

I believe words are powerful.

Words ARE powerful.

Our thoughts literally shape our reality.

Working with my clients each week, one of the areas we pay very, very careful attention to is the words their automatic thinking uses when it “talks” to them.

Informally, I have a series of articles and videos about word swaps.

In this article, I’ll share my perspective on swapping out “good” and “bad” for “skilled” and “evolving.”

Let’s revisit the thought examples…

“I was doing good until…” becomes “I am monitoring my results while learning the skill of…”

One is a judgment about yourself as a person.

I “was doing good” is a close companion to “I AM good.”

I love the new set up of “skilled” and “evolving” because it creates a pause, a gap, between behavior and identity.

I can decide what I am “skilled” at doing and creating.

I can decide which skills and behaviors are “evolving” or “stagnating” or “depreciating.”

It has nothing to do with my individual worth as a person.

Hurrah for that!

To put this into perspective, I’ll share a story from my own life.

I love myself. A lot. My worth is unquestionable.

When I make “high trust” choices in myself, I am often pleased with the results.

And I am not always skilled at saying “no” to foods I should not eat.

I am a 3 times certified coach, for goodness sake, and yet I find a handful of M&Ms nearly irresistible. And don’t get me started on Cadbury’s Easter candy…

I decided to start seeing the decision to say “yes” or “no” as a skill I was practicing.

My skill of saying “no” to candy is improving…

ESPECIALLY since I started to see it as a skill I can develop, same as the skill of squatting a certain weight in the gym.

Working with my clients helps me with my own growth because I see incredibly successful, smart, creative people describing their behaviors as good or bad.

And I thought, “Well, there must be some connection between the language they use and the results they see.” And, by association, by the language I’m used to practicing in my own mind.

So…when in doubt, I create distance…space to evaluate, observe and analyze.

Let’s create distance between the thoughts and the person’s identity.

Because decision making is in the space between stimulus and response.

When I tell myself, “I am improving my skill at saying ‘no’ to food that I want to eat but don’t want to live on,” I am breaking the “Lisa = good or bad” cycle.

It works for me.

It works for the hundreds of clients of mine who have tried word swap.

We are all becoming more skilled in the practice of choosing the words that describe our behavior in a way that shows us the power of our choice.

We are evolving the way we use language in our minds, and that slows our thinking down enough to connect us to our long-term decision maker.

No more good or bad. “Oooh, I have been sooo goood with my diet…”

Swap in “skilled” and “evolving” to see what shifts for you.

Then drop me a line to tell me all about your results!

P.S. Please click here to sign up for my free mini-class “3 Ways to Reduce Stress TODAY!”

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