Lisa Schwaller Coaching

Sexless Relationship Coach

Relationships

Have Sex Because It’s Good for YOU!

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Hello, hot stuff! 

It’s summer here in the Northern Hemisphere so I mean “hot stuff” literally!

Why do you want to have more sex?

I hear this so often: “My partner is such a good person so I feel like I should want sex more often.”

But what if your goal was to have lots of sex because it was good for you.

Shocking! Having sex for our own pleasure!

(I’m clutching my pearls in indignant horror!) 

We are up to our eyeballs in messages about what we should be.

What we should look like.

What we should sound and smell like.

And what sex should be like.

But what do you want? 

For you?

For reals?

Do you like the physical parts of sex? The skin-on-skin, the friction? 

If not, why not?

Maybe you have a history with sex not being a good, safe, satisfying part of life. 

I get it (and I can help with that – been there, have the trauma informed care certificate to go with it). 

Maybe it’s hard to be in the moment because you’re self-conscious. 

I get it (and I can help with that – it’s hella hard for some people to relax into uninhibited sex).

Good sex really does start with your attitude about it. 

And I see one attitude change is that you can want sex for yourself and still show up sexually for your partner, if you want to. 

So, there’s your assignment.

This week, think about why you would choose to have sex for yourself. 

What’s on your list?

Love you madly,

Lisa

closeup photo of red star fish beside seashore
Photo by Pedro Lastra on Unsplash

(Emotionally) Mature People are Sexy!

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Most of us are taught algebra. Writing. How to operate a vehicle.

We often are not taught how to be emotionally adult, either by example or through outright teaching.

Instead, this is what we see modeled for us:

“When you do this, I feel…”

“I want/need this and I need you to do that…”

But…mature people own that they create their own feelings. Mature people meet their own needs.

They want to contribute to relationships more than just get something back from another adult.

You know what I see in my clients?

An understanding that mature people are sexy.

One of the most common dynamics that I see when I start working with people?

Partners believe they are responsible for their partner’s feelings.

One of the most common results that my clients create when working with me?

One or both partners take more responsibility for creating and asking for what they want, including the emotional connection they want.

And the result can be…

YES!…

More sex!

To be clear, people are often doing their best given the messaging common in most cultures, which is “If you do this action/behavior, I’ll feel better/happy/loved/secure.”

Talk about giving away your power. Yikes!

And sex is often a casualty of a weird power imbalance (real or imagined) where people give away responsibility for their own emotional and physical satisfaction.

The solution? Learning how to take beautiful responsibility for yourself.

Knowing what you want. Making a plan to make it happen.

Mature people are confident.

Confidence is sexy.

This week, pay attention to times when you might think you’re responsible for how another person feels or when you think their actions “make” you feel something.

Practice this thought: “I love meeting my own needs and then giving generously when it is my choice.”

Love you madly,

Lisa

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Photo by Jane Duursma on Unsplash

Do It Scared

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Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

I want to share an idea that’s been inspiring me this week: DO IT SCARED!

By the way, I’m not talking about sex with your partner here.

At least, not in the way you might expect.

When it comes to making changes in your relationship, you might think:

  • This isn’t going to work!
  • We’ve tried everything!
  • I don’t want to get rejected! (Again!)

It feels risky to want new things, to try new things, to hope for new things.

It feels unnatural to think about your sexless relationship in new ways, to learn to let go of the shame and blame.

It feels uncomfortable to do the deep, personal work that can change how you show up for your relationship.

Yet sometimes we leap into change even when it feels terrifying.

Think of what you’re proud of in your life. 

Did it mean taking a risk? 

All journeys to “better” mean leaving “this” behind. Yeah, it’s risky.

So you want a better connection with your partner. 

Imagine how proud you would feel if you could create the relationship of your wildest dreams. 

Have any first steps in mind?

Pick one and DO IT SCARED.

Reach out. 

Lead by example.

Go first.

Go alone, if it comes to that.

This week, notice what fears, excuses, and other brain dialogue comes up when you imagine doing a small but mighty action to build a better connection with your partner.

And then ask if it’s worth doing it even when it scares you.

Love you madly,

Lisa

Relationship Rice Bowl

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Hello, hello!

Today’s letter is inspired by…EVESDROPPING!

At lunch recently, a person at another table was describing her family’s go-to meal: rice bowls.

Rice, perhaps flavored with a broth or spices.

Vegetables – which ones?

Protein? Healthy fat? Fun toppings?

As I listened to her describe the different flavor combinations, I thought of you.

I mean, I got a little hungry, but mostly I thought about you and what your relationship rice bowl might be like. 

I work with people where the relationship is only rice. Barely cooked. Same clumpy lukewarm heap every day. 

I work with people who dream of curried rice with hearty, simple vegetables steamed to perfection. Their fantasies don’t line up with reality.

I work with people who have given up. They do not enjoy any part of building their relationship rice bowl: the food prep, the cooking, the cleaning – it all stinks. 

Imagine…

…what is your relationship rice bowl like?

Abundant?

Exotic?

Simple yet hearty?

Saucy? Or dry?

Or have you decided to let ol’ so ‘n’ so get their own darn dinner because you are not cookin’?

Imagine your ideal relationship.

What will you add?

Trust?

Laughter?

Physical affection? Sex?

The ability to stay calm during any disagreement? 

What would it be for you?

Have so much fun with this thought exercise.

Love you madly,

Lisa

P.S. Email me to tell me what’s in your rice bowl! Let’s have a virtual “lunch”! 

P.P.S. Find me on Facebook or YouTube to see my short weekly videos.

vegetable salad on black ceramic bowl
Photo by Delaney Van on Unsplash

I don’t have time! (Um…really?!?)

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Hello, lovely people,

My mind is on metrics lately. So let’s talk sex math this week!

You might think: “It’s hard to find time for sex.”

Time is a cover reason for things that we say we want yet aren’t yet 110% committed to.

There is a saying that we make time for the things that are important to us.

This is true.

And…

We often prioritize things that will have negative consequences when not done by a deadline. 

Exercise? Pfft, I’ll get around to it, my body can wait. It will forgive me. Again. This work project can’t. Has to be done by Friday. 

Sex? Pfft, I know making time for sex would be good for us, but my relationship can wait. My partner will deal. Again. For now, I have too much on my to-do list to make sex a priority. 

Here is your homework for the week:

How many minutes does an average sexy session last in your relationship? Start to finish. 

23 minutes? 92 minutes? 8?

To create a sexy, connected, intimate relationship, how much time do you want to spend on sex each week?

You get to decide. 

And you get to decide if last week’s investment in sex is going to create the relationship you want.

Relationship intimacy can be built in many ways, from relaxing on vacation to working in the yard.

But sex is the one thing you and your partner share that isn’t in other relationships. (Assuming you are in a monogamous relationship with 1 person…which describes 99% of my readers.)

If this relationship is where you get sex with another person…

…and you like your choice to be in an exclusive sexual relationship…

How many minutes a week do you want to spend on this activity?

Romantic, huh, this math question? 

Evaluate the real time it takes to have sex.

And ask yourself again if time is the real problem. 

If time isn’t the issue…perhaps something else is in the way.

Love you madly,

Lisa

P.S. Work with me 1-on-1! Individual coaching is incredibly effective for making shifts in your relationship. Click here to sign up for a free mini-session. Now is the perfect time to accelerate your relationship’s growth and intimacy. 

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Photo by Nordgreen on Unsplash

Replaying Conversations With Your Partner

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Sometimes our minds seem too busy. 

Ruminating. 

Replaying a conversation with your partner over and over in your mind.

Revising the endings. 

Saying the witty remark instead of feeling like a deer in the headlights. 

Un-saying the mean thing you wish you hadn’t said. 

Can you relate to this? 

It’s exhausting. 

I heard something that made me laugh (paraphrasing): 

“I played the situation out in my mind on repeat. When we finally had the chance to talk, my wife thought she was sitting down for a conversation. I was prepared for a fight.” 

(I think I heard this from the author, Jon Acuff. Check out his new book on overthinking, “Soundtracks.”) 

What does this mental conversation habit do to your relationship intimacy and your desire for sex with your partner? 

Some people can compartmentalize conflict and still look forward to sex with their partner. 

Most of my clients report that sex is the last thing on their mind when they’re arguing with their partner in their mind night and day. 

This week, notice whether you are spending time and mental energy in conversation with your partner…even while they aren’t there! 

If you have this habit, how does it feel? 

Can you imagine a life where you did not ruminate about conversations with your partner? 

What if you had loving and sexy thoughts instead? 

Ruminate on what that would be like! 

Message me if you have questions for me to address in these articles. I’d love that!

Get my free workbook, “3 Reasons You Aren’t Having Sex”!

Photo by Kazi Mizan on Unsplash

How Valuable Is Your Relationship?

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Hello, my friends!

How valuable is your relationship?

Are you glad that you’re in this relationship?

Stay with these questions for an extra minute – go below the surface answer.

I had a fun conversation with a client today where she said,
“I asked myself why I value being in a strong, sexy relationship and…I…well…I wasn’t entirely sure.”

I congratulated her for being willing to dig deeper than the surface answer. 

There might be a good first answer (“yeah, sure, I want this!”) but it’s good to slow down from time to time and see what else you can discover. 

Why do you want more sex and intimacy in your relationship?

Why do you want to be in this relationship at all?

Let me offer this reason.

Investing in improving your relationship changes you. 

You become someone different in the process even if your partner does not adjust their behavior.

So the question “How valuable is your relationship?” can evolve into “How much do you value the person you can become through the experience of this relationship?”
The relationship is for your growth beyond “getting needs met.”

Your life is for you. You wake up everyday to experience, give, enjoy, overcome.

This is your life, your beautiful opportunity to see what you can make of it. 

And this relationship is for you to experience more of what life has on offer.

Are you in it to win it? 🙂

Reflect on these questions. 

See how they shift your perspective on why you value your relationship. 

See if you stand a little taller taking ownership for being the best partner you can be!

And if you need help…well..that’s what I do!

Love you madly,

LisaP.S. Now enrolling 1-on-1 clients to start in June. Click here to sign up for a free mini-session to see whether now is the time to accelerate your relationship’s growth and intimacy.

person holding brown and black round fruits
Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

Remember Love Before Sex?

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Living in a sexless relationship can be troubling. 

You feel like you should be more connected physically.

It feels weird to be in a relationship without sex. After all, without it, what are you…roommates??

But…remember if you’ve been in love before without having sex with the person. 

Compare it to drinking. Once upon a time, 8 year olds went to birthday parties and didn’t say, “Gee, I hope they have alcohol!” 

Same thing with sex. 

Remember a time when you were in a romantic relationship and sex wasn’t involved. Did it change your feelings about that person or not?

This is one of my favorite questions to ask clients:

When have you ever been madly connected to – maybe even in love with – someone, but sex wasn’t available to the relationship? 

This week, consider a time when you were deeply connected to someone in a relationship without sex. 

Was that ever the case with your current partner?

How was that possible?

And, how can it be possible now?

You may still very, very much want to conquer the challenges that prevent you from having a relationship with a strong sexual connection. 

And, while you’re working on that, can you find a way to think loving thoughts and feel loving feelings that make you feel deeply connected?

Love you madly,

Lisa

P.S. Intrigued by this post? I have a defined process that helps you get connected to your partner before focusing on your sexual connection. Sign up for a mini-coaching session to learn more.

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Photo by The Creative Exchange on Unsplash