My oldest son turned 18 recently.
When I was growing up, I didnāt want to be a mom. I was the oldest in an abusive family and I didnāt want to pass on dysfunction. I was opposed to the idea of being a mother and even asked my doctor about sterilization in my early 20s.
Suffice it to say, NO ONE was more surprised when I said, āSure, WTF. Letās do this!ā and got pregnant.
Itās been the most adventurous adventure of my life. Showing up for my kids prompted me to heal at a level I never, ever would have found otherwise.
Soā¦thank you, Lisa 2004, for saying āyesā to the invitation to pregnancy and motherhood.
Now, dear reader, here are my most precious treasures collected during 18 years of parenting. I hope youāre entertained and inspired.
- Thereās thinking about something and doing it. Doing it is the only way youāll know for sure what an experience will be like for you.
- Just when youāve got it figured out, it will change. (Term āitā defined as ālife,ā including sub-topic āparenting.ā)
- The stereotype of āa good momā is limiting, outdated, and toxic AF.
- Your opinion of yourself matters more than anyone elseās, including your kids. Holding yourself in high trust and high esteem beats people pleasing every damn time. (P.S. Itās okay if your kids donāt like you all the time. Really.)
- Being a parent connects you to a singularly unique human experience. I was transformed by parenting to develop new emotions and a more expanded vision than I had before. Itās indescribable. (The parents reading this are likely nodding their headsā¦)
- Parenting is fun when you have your priorities right.
- Parenting is hard when you layer your own sh!t on top of your kidsā experiences.
- Parenting is expensive. Also worth every damn penny. The investment doesnāt depreciate, either. My Kid #1 goes into the world telling jokes and being the most loyal of friends. Heās got a work ethic that wonāt quit. Youāre freakinā welcome, future employer, partner, grandkids. Weāre fortunate to have him on the team. #TeamHumanity
- Parenting is a customized experience. Each parent-child pair is a unique match, never to be replicated. Treat that connection as a precious, rare prize and itās amazing how youāll experience it with intense joy and great humility.
- Kids bloom when they are unconditionally loved and accepted. They really bloom when you model loving and accepting yourself unconditionally, even while wanting to grow and improve yourself.
- Kids and parents both appreciate clear communication, including boundaries and apologies.
- Parents model relationships with their kids. Would you want your kid to replicate their relationship with you at work, in their marriage, with their own kids? If the answer is āno,ā itās the parentās responsibility to troubleshoot and resolve.
- Kids are downloading and installing what you DO before theyāre assimilating what you SAY.
- My kids are not the result of my shaping. I am not a puppet master. Children are sovereign beings. Seeing myself as a team leader instead of a sculptor has made all the difference.
- I am not my kidās butler nor their concierge. Kids are capable of more independence and participation than theyāre given credit for, even very young. When they say āI do it myself!!,ā let āem. Note: Choosing this strategy makes things both easier and harder.
- My family is a learning organization. Itās been my role to guide my kids to become strong decision makers and problem solvers. Itās not my job to do things for them but to create opportunities for them to practice doing for themselves and others. Note: Again, choosing this strategy makes things both easier and harder.
- When you decide youāre really, really good at somethingā¦and you pair that decision with the commitment that you will be the best you can beā¦the results are amazing. Decisions first, results later. I decided that I would be a really good mom to these 2 humans, then I lived into that decision through the highs and lows. And I AM an amazing mother not by luck or training but through commitment and focus.
- I expect nothing from my kids in return from my mothering. The relationship they create with me as adults is theirs to decide. They are beholden to no obligations. They are not responsible for my happiness and Iām not responsible for theirs. I give generously with no strings attached. Funny how this approach has built a ferociously strong bond that I anticipate will sustain over the next decades.
What would you write on your own list of āparenting treasuresā? Iād love to read yours.
And, happy birthday, my adult son. Thanks for changing my life for the better.
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the āLess Stress, More Funā podcast. Subscribe today! Each weekās episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.