Lisa Schwaller Coaching

Sexless Relationship Coach

Relationships

How Valuable Is Your Relationship?

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Hello, my friends!

How valuable is your relationship?

Are you glad that you’re in this relationship?

Stay with these questions for an extra minute – go below the surface answer.

I had a fun conversation with a client today where she said,
“I asked myself why I value being in a strong, sexy relationship and…I…well…I wasn’t entirely sure.”

I congratulated her for being willing to dig deeper than the surface answer. 

There might be a good first answer (“yeah, sure, I want this!”) but it’s good to slow down from time to time and see what else you can discover. 

Why do you want more sex and intimacy in your relationship?

Why do you want to be in this relationship at all?

Let me offer this reason.

Investing in improving your relationship changes you. 

You become someone different in the process even if your partner does not adjust their behavior.

So the question “How valuable is your relationship?” can evolve into “How much do you value the person you can become through the experience of this relationship?”
The relationship is for your growth beyond “getting needs met.”

Your life is for you. You wake up everyday to experience, give, enjoy, overcome.

This is your life, your beautiful opportunity to see what you can make of it. 

And this relationship is for you to experience more of what life has on offer.

Are you in it to win it? 🙂

Reflect on these questions. 

See how they shift your perspective on why you value your relationship. 

See if you stand a little taller taking ownership for being the best partner you can be!

And if you need help…well..that’s what I do!

Love you madly,

LisaP.S. Now enrolling 1-on-1 clients to start in June. Click here to sign up for a free mini-session to see whether now is the time to accelerate your relationship’s growth and intimacy.

person holding brown and black round fruits
Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

Remember Love Before Sex?

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Living in a sexless relationship can be troubling. 

You feel like you should be more connected physically.

It feels weird to be in a relationship without sex. After all, without it, what are you…roommates??

But…remember if you’ve been in love before without having sex with the person. 

Compare it to drinking. Once upon a time, 8 year olds went to birthday parties and didn’t say, “Gee, I hope they have alcohol!” 

Same thing with sex. 

Remember a time when you were in a romantic relationship and sex wasn’t involved. Did it change your feelings about that person or not?

This is one of my favorite questions to ask clients:

When have you ever been madly connected to – maybe even in love with – someone, but sex wasn’t available to the relationship? 

This week, consider a time when you were deeply connected to someone in a relationship without sex. 

Was that ever the case with your current partner?

How was that possible?

And, how can it be possible now?

You may still very, very much want to conquer the challenges that prevent you from having a relationship with a strong sexual connection. 

And, while you’re working on that, can you find a way to think loving thoughts and feel loving feelings that make you feel deeply connected?

Love you madly,

Lisa

P.S. Intrigued by this post? I have a defined process that helps you get connected to your partner before focusing on your sexual connection. Sign up for a mini-coaching session to learn more.

man in white crew neck t-shirt and blue denim jeans sitting on white sofa chair
Photo by The Creative Exchange on Unsplash

Dry January

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Have you heard about “Dry January”? It’s when people give up alcohol for the month of January. 

Dry January made me think of people in low intimacy relationships. In this case, “dry” means no sex. Is it different when you are “dry” not by choice but by circumstance?

Do you feel deprived of intimacy in your relationship? Or do you feel like you’re depriving your partner? 

Nothing is sexier than expectations, am I right?? I’m kidding! 😀 Few things are less sexy than the pressure of expectations, no matter where they come from. 

I have a friend who has a tumultuous relationship with Dry January. She feels like drinking has control over her instead of the other way around.

So, each year, January comes along and she’s determined to grin and bear it. She endures a month of no drinking until freedom arrives on 1 Feb. This year she realized that the sense of deprivation made what can already be challenging nearly excruciating. She realized that she can decide to accept rather than resist her decision to stay dry for 31 days.

I see parallels to this thinking from my relationship clients. 

One of my clients, I’ll call her “Monica”, feels so much grief and disconnection when her husband doesn’t want intimacy.

Her brain goes BONKERS! It starts shouting all the different reasons about what’s wrong with him. What’s wrong with her! And then there is a determination to just use willpower to deal with the situation or vent to a friend.

Instead, I offered that her thoughts are an invitation to Stop And Watch. 

It’s my invitation to you, as well. Become the watcher of your thoughts this week. 

Instead of trying to change your situation or your suffering…try listening to your mind like it’s your best friend.

Which, by the way, your brain is your best friend.

Pay attention to your thoughts about being in a “dry” relationship. Awareness alone can be very powerful. 

Hope this helps you slow down and listen instead of power through your situation, however “dry” it might be right now. 

P.S. Curious about coaching? Want to see if I can help you, too? Click this link to set up a time to talk – I promise to make it fun.

Relationship Resolution

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Happy New Year! Feeling excited about 2021?

Yeah, also…how’s your love life?

Did you make a resolution to “have a more connected relationship”?

We make resolutions to acquire something (new body! new job! new relationship! new whatever!).

But…most of us don’t resolve to take amazing care of what we already have. How many of us add “make sure to get car oil changed on schedule” or “pay taxes on time” to our goal list?

Why not? Not sexy, that’s why! And it’s common that people take their romantic relationship for granted…until it’s too late.

Your 2022 relationship can be ah-mah-zing, if you’re willing to make it a priority this year.

Fun quiz time! Answer the following simple-yet-powerful questions:

1. On a scale of 1-10, how do you rate your relationship today? Answer instinctively and honestly from your gut! 1 is “horrible, the worst” and 10 would be “they just made a movie about it with Idris Elba, it’s so dang good”.

2. Why did you rate it that number? Again, be honest with your brain’s first answer.

3. What would make it a 10?

Now, do those things you listed for #3 and thank me later. As if it were so easy!

Relationships are like taking care of your body. You learn about food and nutrition. You try different exercises to learn what results you get. There’s a learning curve when you try something new. Success comes from being patient with ourselves plus never giving up. 

Relationships are like getting and staying fit, or buying and maintaining a home. It can be a JOY to pay attention to those aspects of our lives. 

Consider making a relationship goal this year. 

Wishing you lots of love,

Lisa

P.S. Curious about coaching? Want to see if I can help you, too? Click this link to set up a time to talk – I promise to make it fun.