Relationships

View from the 22nd Floor | Musings

November 27, 2023 by Lisa Schwaller

The other day, I worked from an office high above my town.

Most of the time, I work remotely, so it was a treat to look out the massive windows at the cars rolling past and the construction in progress in the residential neighborhood nearby.

I’m mesmerized by distance, changes in scale, that kind of thing.

I often wonder, “What do I look like to the ants toiling beneath my feet?”

Standing at the window, peering down, I had the most amazing sense of perspective.

Now, I admit, I’m prone to big picture existential pondering. “What is the point? What is one life for?”…that kind of thing.

But, truly, it’s remarkable to peer down and see hundreds or thousands of people going about the motions of daily life.

What is it all for?

How do our daily decisions aggregate into policy, society, community?

Maybe that’s the core of why that random Friday view from the 22nd floor grabbed my mind’s attention so fully.

The entire system of incentives and rewards seems to favor short term thinking.

Ground level motion, as it were.

Who is sitting above the fray, with the big picture view, to help see patterns and make decisions with a long-term vision in mind?

Have humans become, well, too much to manage?

After all, my big picture view was still a handful of miles, not nearly representative of the city or the state or my country or this world.

Even this seemingly vast view contained just a few humans, globally speaking.

One of the things I do as a coach and in my corporate roles is to invite people into longer-term, bigger picture thinking.

After all, our choices today weave something for those who come behind us. Taking the time to think, be intentional, review and establish processes is a kindness we do for our future selves and the others who come along later.

Every time I take 20 minutes to write down a learning for the archives, I save 220 minutes in “what the hell happened here?” or “how the hell are we supposed to do this?”

And maybe that’s the message of this musing.

Let’s invite ourselves and others to go high, peer out the window, watch, reflect.

Then we can return to the daily grind with a larger, longer, more well-rounded perspective.

Let’s invite ourselves and others to consider our choices carefully, knowing that we are building a future together.

What gifts of knowledge are you creating and communicating to others?

Is your future being built on a strong foundation? Or is the future of your life, your company, your community as shaky as a Jenga tower that’s been destabilized one brick at a time?

Get a different view this week, literally and figuratively. Look out a high floor window or lie down in the grass to watch the ants at work.

You might find taking the time for this meditation changes you in the most delightful of ways. P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

aerial view of city buildings during daytime — Photo by Frank Eiffert on Unsplash

In Praise of Snail Mail | Fun

November 13, 2023 by Lisa Schwaller

Do you love to receive letters in the mail?

Not bills or junk mail or packages containing items you ordered, but…notes. Cards.

I love “snail” mail – the ol’ postal service delivery.

I’ve always had a love affair with the mail. My granny’s kitchen was my literal home on earth. I didn’t live with my granny, but her kitchen was the most predictable place in my life while I was a child. I knew where the tin of buttons was. I sat for hours beside my granny’s sewing machine while she made, well, everything including clothes for my Barbie dolls. (How she had the patience and dexterity for that, I’ll never understand.)

I watched the mail delivery every day I spent at granny’s house. The mail person (always men until my teen years) walked from yard to yard. We knew them by name. There was always a hello.

Mail delivery was an event, part of the social fabric of my granny’s community, part of the fabric of connection that wove that feeling I loved so much then and now. Feeling home.

So, yeah, I love the mail.

For years, I was pen pals with a girl I’d gone to school with in 2nd grade – a family member of Laura Ingalls Wilder, actually. She and I kept in touch for years after I moved away to another state. When I was in high school, my aunt signed up to do letter writing with deployed military and I got involved in that, too.

Pen pals were a big deal for me from the ages of, say, 8 through my college years.

Then came email…and there went snail mail…retired for the “convenience” of electronic communications.

But I’m bringing snail mail back!

This year, I’m running an experiment. Rather than sending cards for birthdays and holidays only, I’m sending out cards at random times during the year, no strings attached.

This gives me an excuse to buy adorable note cards and colorful stamps and find a nice seasonal quote to include.

Sending these notes out snail mail gives me a sense that I’m giving someone a gift along with the bills and the junk mail.

For all of our connection avenues, I often feel isolated from charmingly warm, slow, human connections.

Earlier this year, I decided to remove myself from most “social” media. I don’t support the companies and the impact they are having on our world, frankly. I realized that I don’t feel connected to people online, not in any way that was substantial.

So…I quit the easy route, the eyeball food.

I’m replacing “scroll and like” with “write with love.”

What surprised me when I started this project was noticing how much my brain wonders whether I’m being awkward. Do people want to receive these notes? Do they then feel obligated to reciprocate?

Then I remembered that I do this not just for the recipients but for me and for the community I want to live in.

Less clicks. More conversation.

I want to give this gift to my family and friends, yes.

I also want to give myself the gift of this experience. The writing in gel pens, the applying of stickers. The child-like delight at making something with someone specific in mind.

I want to live in a world where the mail might contain a surprise from someone caring about someone else.

From that perspective, it’s definitely worth surfing my occasional feelings of awkwardness to create this experience.

Perhaps you, dear reader, might be inspired to start a notecard campaign of your own.

Make a pen pal. Make a dozen.

See if it helps you live with less stress and more fun. 💌📬💖P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

a pile of different colored postage stamps — Photo by Robert Linder on Unsplash

Level Up Your Listening Skills | Less Stress

October 16, 2023 by Lisa Schwaller

As a coach, it’s my job to listen.

I listen with my eyes and with my ears. I also listen for my own thoughts that might bias what I notice.

Coaching is a very pure state of mind, like being in a clean room. (Not tidy but low in particles.)

In the rest of my life, my listening ears are maybe not as dialed up.

When I’m in my corporate roles or talking with friends and family or even listening to myself, I might not have the same pure, laser focus that I do when coaching.

I want to learn to practice better listening in my everyday life, more like the way I listen in every coaching session.

With that in mind, I’ve started to practice asking myself these three questions when in non-coaching conversations.

#1 Why are they telling me this?

Now, this one comes to me from coaching. I’m always paying acute attention to why they shared that detail.

It’s not uncommon for me to ask a question about time management and get a story about their Aunt Beth.

I noticed myself thinking, “I wonder why their mind decided I needed to hear that story right now.”

I started taking this question out of coaching sessions into the rest of my life.

Why are they telling me this detail? Why are they telling me this information now?

How are they telling me this story?

What else are they telling me non-verbally?

Are they making relationships between two disparate concepts?

This question and its question buddies can help you listen more intently.

People share their values, their emotional state, their logical process by the things they choose to share.

And they might not even realize this is happening! How interesting!

#2 What does this sound like from their perspective?

When you speak to someone, do you hear yourself?

I think a wonderful way to become a better listener is by paying attention to what you might sound like to other people.

Are you good at listening to what you are saying?

Listen to how they are responding to you. What do you think is going on in their head when they are listening to you?

See whether your words are likely building a bridge or putting up obstacles.

Given what you know about them, try to listen for how they are responding to you by asking yourself what your words might mean to them when they receive them.

#3 What do they want/need from me the most right now?

I love this question.

Today I was in a meeting. One person was telling a lot of backstory. It was a 30 minute call and I had one of our most valuable tech leads with me. I knew we had 18 minutes left to get to the core issue and resolve all questions. I wondered, “What does this client want/need from us right now?” along with “Why are they telling us this?”

It helped me detect that the client wants to see this conversation as a partnership…where they are the leader…and they are telling me the backstory to feel a sense of power over this new relationship.

Considering what they wanted helped me focus my listening ears. At the same time, it helped me choose my words wisely. My willingness to be the best listener possible helped me develop comfort and get the answers for my tech lead to end the call on time.

To close, I admit that I love to talk. I love to listen to the sound of my own voice. It’s true – I love my ideas and to share them!

And making an effort to ask myself excellent questions is making me so much more effective in different areas of my life…not just in my coaching studio.

I encourage you to give these ideas a try. Then come back to comment with your feedback/results!

P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

black and tan german shepherd sitting on gray concrete floor during daytime — Photo by Maayan Nemanov on Unsplash

Service with a Smile

August 31, 2023 by Lisa Schwaller

The other day, I went to pick up a photo order. You know…photos on glossy paper like ye olden times.

I encountered 2 people while I was there: 1 helpful person and 1 person who didn’t seem at all happy to be at work that day.

The helpful person greeted me in the store and paged the person to the photo counter.

The contrast between these employees caught my attention.

I don’t know whether my community is actually changing or not…

…but I feel like experiencing service with a smile is becoming less and less common.

Was the world a more polite place before the pandemic?

Before 2 day delivery and self-checkout?

I wonder…

It’s sparked some reflection in my own heart about the kind of person I want to be in the world.

I value friendly interactions.

A smile.

Please, thank you, my pleasure.

I love to deliver those sentiments from the heart.

I love to show up in the world friendly and respectful.

And – oooh! – how it warms my heart when I work with a business where the staff is courteous, pleasant, and – yes- even playful.

Do you value service with a smile?

Do you believe that your community’s businesses appreciate their customers?

I think the world is a busy place with many challenges.

Corporations vary in how much they value their customers.

Yet delivering service with a smile is two people, maybe strangers, sharing a moment of kind humanity.

I would like to invite each one of us to experience a life of more playfulness and less stress.

And one powerful, truly impactful way to do that is to decide whether we show up light and friendly or gruff and closed off.

What will it be for you this week?

For me, I’m going to be the change I want to see in the world – more courtesy, more patience, more kindness, more focus on serving with a big smile in my heart and on my face.

P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

smiling woman reaching for ice cream — Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash

Offline & In Real Time

August 17, 2023 by Lisa Schwaller

gray concrete road under gray clouds — Photo by Raychel Sanner on Unsplash

Where am I? Same place I’ve always been – offline & in real time.

But I want to tell a story before I drift further away from most of my social media accounts.

I was a reluctant convert to the Book of Faces.

Yet, before long, I enjoyed feeling connected with people from my past and present.

It’s joyful to observe the photos of vacations and kids’ first days of school, pictures of people I will never meet growing up before my eyes.

Over time, though, I started to have an icky feeling about the direction these platforms are going.

Fewer puppies and babies.

More evidence of attention engineering.

More ads, and my ads are different from your ads.

Each feed is a world unto itself.

I noticed less meaningful interaction between me and my friends.

Just…scroll, click an emoji, maybe share a comment.

In digital marketing, when humans do this, it’s labeled “engagement.” Companies invest millions to create a hunger in their users, a hunger to get more “engagement.”

Because I’m not an engaging nor frequent user, I started to notice a decreasing subset of available content. Of hundreds of connected accounts, I seemed to see the same handful of names. Why was the software deciding for me what I wanted to see?

Oh, and how I hated the mental calculus that I did sometimes before posting: What will my “friends” think of “me”? What will the algorithm “think” of “me”? Is this clever combination of words and visuals something they’ll “like”?

I started to feel more and more like I was in the plot of a “Black Mirror” episode or The Matrix. Not in a good way.

I was definitely experiencing less of what brought me to social media in the first place.

I always knew I was paying a price. I understood I wasn’t getting something for nothing.

It’s a devil’s bargain, choosing to hang out with a computerized salesperson in exchange for sporadic posts from my friends, family, and acquaintances, but one I was willing to make.

Until I wasn’t.

We pay for social media software. We are the product being sold.

For me, the price ain’t worth it anymore.

The obvious prices I pay as a “user” are donating free content to feed the algorithm, my attention, and details about my life…details about my kids’ lives. Future…users? What does the machine already think it knows about people who haven’t even signed up for an account?

Interesting word…”user”

The other price I pay as a “user” is the phantom sensation that I have an abundance of real relationships simply because I have a stream of familiar faces available 24/7.

I knew each of you once in some way…or maybe I didn’t, not really.

Yet you’re all familiar enough to make logging into social media compelling.

Social media companies understand the power of familiarity, how it amplifies trust. After all, they know more about human behavior than most humans do. They use our nature to build systems that drive behavior that often flies below the radar of cognitive detection. We think we’re in charge. It’s part of the (de)illusion.

The algorithm feeds the users content.

It observes me always, adjusting my diet of inputs based on what I disclose, even something as subtle as a whisper of a thumb reversal or a pause. Same for each of us, which is why your feed or “suggestions” are different from mine and the people you live with and the feed prepared for your neighbor.

Computers decide whether you see my posts depending on whether I’m valuable enough to the algorithm.

Am I interesting enough to keep others feeding, too?

Interesting word…”feed”

Interesting that something in our feeds could “go” “viral.” (Like…viruses are a good thing? Sure. Good for the virus.)

The algorithm has one job.

Companies and their teams and their programs and their investors endeavor enthusiastically to keep us logging in, the more the better (for them). They study and storyboard and test and collect and analyze, bringing to life an experience that generates the sensation that being online will satisfy our most essential social hunger to feel seen, loved, and accepted.

Identified. Validated.

Liked.

Literally.

Each of us sees a world that is crafted for us, a digital construct designed to push our human buttons.

Not dissimilar to the design of slot machines and rats in mazes chasing cocaine instead of cheese.

I am so very hungry for something nourishing and real, not this machine-calibrated life.

I don’t want to eat what the algorithm serves me anymore. I don’t want to feed it anymore either.

I want to rediscover what else is on the menu.

I don’t want my relationships with other humans to be manipulated by sketchy corporations in pursuit of profit.

I don’t want a pixelated approximation of friendship.

The fact that it seems socially risky to exit a computer algorithm is exactly the reason for me to go.

Sending much love to each of you.

Perhaps we’ll connect another way and have a meaningful human conversation. 💖

P.S. Here are some of the books that influenced my migration away from Facebook & Twitter:

Lessons from Being “Mom”

April 29, 2023 by Lisa Schwaller

My oldest son turned 18 recently.

When I was growing up, I didn’t want to be a mom. I was the oldest in an abusive family and I didn’t want to pass on dysfunction. I was opposed to the idea of being a mother and even asked my doctor about sterilization in my early 20s.

Suffice it to say, NO ONE was more surprised when I said, “Sure, WTF. Let’s do this!” and got pregnant.

It’s been the most adventurous adventure of my life. Showing up for my kids prompted me to heal at a level I never, ever would have found otherwise.

So…thank you, Lisa 2004, for saying “yes” to the invitation to pregnancy and motherhood.

Now, dear reader, here are my most precious treasures collected during 18 years of parenting. I hope you’re entertained and inspired.

There’s thinking about something and doing it. Doing it is the only way you’ll know for sure what an experience will be like for you.
Just when you’ve got it figured out, it will change. (Term “it” defined as “life,” including sub-topic “parenting.”)
The stereotype of “a good mom” is limiting, outdated, and toxic AF.
Your opinion of yourself matters more than anyone else’s, including your kids. Holding yourself in high trust and high esteem beats people pleasing every damn time. (P.S. It’s okay if your kids don’t like you all the time. Really.)
Being a parent connects you to a singularly unique human experience. I was transformed by parenting to develop new emotions and a more expanded vision than I had before. It’s indescribable. (The parents reading this are likely nodding their heads…)
Parenting is fun when you have your priorities right.
Parenting is hard when you layer your own sh!t on top of your kids’ experiences.
Parenting is expensive. Also worth every damn penny. The investment doesn’t depreciate, either. My Kid #1 goes into the world telling jokes and being the most loyal of friends. He’s got a work ethic that won’t quit. You’re freakin’ welcome, future employer, partner, grandkids. We’re fortunate to have him on the team. #TeamHumanity
Parenting is a customized experience. Each parent-child pair is a unique match, never to be replicated. Treat that connection as a precious, rare prize and it’s amazing how you’ll experience it with intense joy and great humility.
Kids bloom when they are unconditionally loved and accepted. They really bloom when you model loving and accepting yourself unconditionally, even while wanting to grow and improve yourself.
Kids and parents both appreciate clear communication, including boundaries and apologies.
Parents model relationships with their kids. Would you want your kid to replicate their relationship with you at work, in their marriage, with their own kids? If the answer is “no,” it’s the parent’s responsibility to troubleshoot and resolve.
Kids are downloading and installing what you DO before they’re assimilating what you SAY.
My kids are not the result of my shaping. I am not a puppet master. Children are sovereign beings. Seeing myself as a team leader instead of a sculptor has made all the difference.
I am not my kid’s butler nor their concierge. Kids are capable of more independence and participation than they’re given credit for, even very young. When they say “I do it myself!!,” let ‘em. Note: Choosing this strategy makes things both easier and harder.
My family is a learning organization. It’s been my role to guide my kids to become strong decision makers and problem solvers. It’s not my job to do things for them but to create opportunities for them to practice doing for themselves and others. Note: Again, choosing this strategy makes things both easier and harder.
When you decide you’re really, really good at something…and you pair that decision with the commitment that you will be the best you can be…the results are amazing. Decisions first, results later. I decided that I would be a really good mom to these 2 humans, then I lived into that decision through the highs and lows. And I AM an amazing mother not by luck or training but through commitment and focus.
I expect nothing from my kids in return from my mothering. The relationship they create with me as adults is theirs to decide. They are beholden to no obligations. They are not responsible for my happiness and I’m not responsible for theirs. I give generously with no strings attached. Funny how this approach has built a ferociously strong bond that I anticipate will sustain over the next decades.

What would you write on your own list of “parenting treasures”? I’d love to read yours.

And, happy birthday, my adult son. Thanks for changing my life for the better.
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

person holding white and pink polka dot print ceramic mug — Photo by Andrew Lancaster on Unsplash

4 Love Challenges to Activate Joy

February 7, 2023 by Lisa Schwaller

Love can be very, very playful. Isn’t that love at its best, really?

Today I offer you 4 playful challenges or invitations to activate more love and joy in your life this month.

#1: Tell 5 people why you love them or their work.

The first challenge is to tell 5 people that you don’t (yet) know why you love them or their work.

VERBALLY.

Yes, like generating sounds and expressing them through your face. Ha!

This could mean reaching out to someone to leave an audio chat or a voicemail.

Or, for extra love points, it could mean saying it to their face, in person or on a video call.

You can substitute these words for “love”
💜 admire

❤️ respect

💜 appreciate

❤️ support

This is such a great challenge because it spreads love and maybe invites you to be a little vulnerable and courageous…which is a type of self-love. Reaching out honors our desire to connect. So this challenge is win-win!

#2: Send a paper love note using snail mail. Yeah, with a stamp!

Consider sending:

❤️ A romantic love note

💜 A note of encouragement to a family member

❤️ A note of appreciation to a friend, colleague or even a local business owner.

I find that sitting down to write a handwritten note activates the most beautiful feeling of thought-full connection. I imagine the person receiving the note and how they might receive it.

Love notes are a fun way to bring a loving gesture into the world.

Imagine each person who touches it getting a blessing as the note travels through many hands to its destination.

#3: Apologize. Release pain.

A very powerful way to create love in the world is to release pain.

Transmute the pain into love.

Is there something that you have been wanting to apologize for, to yourself or another person?

Maybe today’s the day.

See what happens when you release regret or forgive.

Is love created in that space?

#4: Do something really, really, really loving and kind for yourself.

What would be a very loving gesture you could give yourself?

Did something pop to mind? Or did your mind draw a blank?

Here are a handful of suggestions:

💜 dance to your favorite song

❤️ make a healthful, delicious meal for yourself

💜 give yourself a hug (don’t knock this – it works!)

❤️ tell yourself how much you love and believe in yourself

💜 spend 10 minutes outside looking into the distance

❤️ write a letter to future you in 2 years

💜 turn off notifications

❤️ forgive yourself for a past choice, if it’s time to do so

Have fun! Create love! Play!

I hope these challenges are joy-full, even the ones that might ask you to be brave.

Bravery and love…what companions those two feelings are. ❤️💜

Go make the world the place you want to live in today.
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

assorted stickers — Photo by Kyle Glenn on Unsplash

Celebrating 2022’s Most Impactful Relationships

December 27, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

Who did you spend the most time with in the past 11-12 months?

Yourself, of course. You are the only person you spend time with around the clock.

And you likely have a satellite of people who are in your life regularly.

Evaluating who you spend time with – and why – can be a powerful way to reflect on your year.

And reflecting on what’s working and what you want to change is a great way to approach goal setting.

Let’s review and celebrate your most impactful relationships from this year.

#1 List your most frequent interactions.

Consider the following life areas:

Family (immediate and extended)
Career/business, including day-to-day and networking partnerships
Friends
Social media, including groups you participate in
Health and community, like people at your gym or at your kid’s school

In general, who are the 1-3 people you spend time with most frequently from each one of those life areas?

Who has had the most positive impact on your world in the past year?

Are there people that you would like to spend more or less time with and…why?

The “why” part of this question is very important. Your answer reveals your values, your obstacles, and sometimes your wishes for your future. There is no judgment about completing this step – just notice what comes up for you and how your mind tells the story about it.

My closest personal relationships are with my kids because they see me at my silliest and most relaxed. I sometimes joke that I wish I could be 100% of the time the way I feel like when I’m with them.

It’s helpful to ask yourself, “How do my most frequent interactions make me feel?”

#2 List the people that you think about most often

There are the people we spend time with in direct interactions.

And many of us think about people that we don’t interact with on a regular basis.

Consider the following prompts to see who your mind thinks about frequently, in addition to the people from #1:

Old romantic relationships
Family members that you’ve lost touch with or who have passed
Friends or coworkers that you’ve lost touch with

What do you feel when you go over this list?

I have someone who appears in my dreams consistently. I used to judge myself, wonder why I wasn’t “over him,” and really felt ashamed about how often he’d appear in my dream life. After coaching myself, I realized that this person continues to have a very loving, enjoyable impact in my life…even if we hardly talk in person. I decided to make it neutral – he’s just a character in my dream stories. It didn’t have to mean a single thing about me unless I let my thinking run away with the storytelling.

It seems most people that I work with feel embarrassed to be thinking “so much” about someone who isn’t in their life anymore…or grief at someone they can’t reach out to any more. Yet it’s nothing to judge and create more stress about. Instead, noticing that you’re thinking about these people has a great deal to teach you about yourself, and can be a wonderful way to connect with the type of people you’d prefer to have in your life.

# Decide what changes you want to make moving forward

Relationships are one area of life where people seem to easily fall into routine.

Close social relationships can be challenging to cultivate in a busy life filled with work and family.

Some people tend to be more social than others, and there is a strong cultural bias for “more is more” when it comes to friendship. This expectation seems to cause a great deal of stress for many of my clients. (Aren’t we all supposed to have at least 5 mixed gender close friends that we see everyday?!?)

In the spirit of celebration, reflect on and acknowledge the strong bonds you have in your life already.

Celebrate the information that comes from reviewing your most frequent actual and imagined relationships over the past year.

I did this exercise myself before writing it up for you. I was reminded that the people I let into my world have a great deal of impact over where I spend my focus, not just my minutes. Some communities just “vibe” better with the behaviors and characteristics that I want to cultivate. Checking in to evaluate my relationship focus helps me be more intentional in this important area of my life. I celebrate those who are traveling with me…and the wishes I have to refine my most impactful relationships in the coming year.
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

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