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    Lisa Schwaller Coaching

    Certified Life Coach

    Relationships

    Loosen the Leash

    by

    I adore my sweet dog, Bailey.

    Adore her.

    She is one of my favorite companions. 

    She prefers to be in the same room that I’m in and is a regular podcast producer and coaching support.

    Her very favorite thing in this whole world is to go for a walk.

    She does not walk, though.

    She does a leisurely tour of the neighborhood by smell.

    Oh, a blade of grass! Sniff.

    Ooooh, a street light! Sniff.

    Ooooooooh, amazing, a pile of sticks ready for bulk waste removal! Sniiiiif.

    We do short walks because long walks tire her mature hips.

    So it will take us 10 minutes to travel past 10 houses. Sniff.

    I, on the other hand, prefer to walk at a lively clip. But this is not the pace with sweet dog Bailey.

    One day, I was walking her and musing on life while she sniffed joyfully.

    She pulled over to the side of the road in pursuit of a particularly exciting smell.

    And I had the thought…

    When the leash gets stretched and I pull on it, she resists.

    When I loosen the leash, we both relax and she’s more open to persuasion.

    It made me think about coaching.

    And change.

    What does it take to change a human’s mind?

    When the connection grows taut, tugging another person or even our own habitual reaction is likely to invite resistance.

    A good example of this comes up in each coaching session.

    Maybe my client needs a moment to follow an idea. If I tug on the conversation to pull them back on track – or at least what I might imagine is on track – I’ll enact their healthy, protective mental resistance.

    Same thing happens to me.

    Some people can get tugged to and fro without complaint.

    And some people resist. Rebel. People prefer to go at their own pace.

    When you are working to influence change in yourself or with others, check how tightly you are holding the lead.

    Are you pulling where you think things should go?

    What happens if you loosen the leash?

    Or even…what happens when you stop feeling the need to lead at all?

    The walks I take with Bailey are for her. The purpose of those walks are for me to give her access to what she loves best.

    As a coach, the purpose is for me to help my client create an amazing relationship with themselves so they can create whatever they want to experience in their life.

    I am simply there to offer support.

    Think about this analogy the next time you are in a conversation with a relationship partner…or a debate at work…or trying to persuade your kids to do, well, anything.

    Are you supporting, keeping the connection loose with room to maneuver?

    Or are you holding a tight leash that invites the other person to resist?

    Practice choosing a loose connection and see what happens!

    P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

    P.P.S. Bailey says, “Walks are great and outside smells are the best! Try that, too!”

    black and white border collie
    Photo by Raoul Croes on Unsplash

    People’s Opinions are Invitations

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    Do you love other people’s strongly worded opinions that are the opposite of your opinions?

    People have a wide spectrum of reactions to other people’s opinions.

    Some people are completely immune to the ideas of others. They could care less about what other people think, whether in general, about the world, about politics or even about them. Live and let live, they declare!

    And some people are majorly, deeply, intensely offended or hurt by other people’s differing opinions.

    No matter how reactive you are to other people’s opinions, this article is for you.

    Keep in mind that we might not all react with the same intensity in every situation, either.

    You might be more annoyed by differences in professional opinions or political views or in how the dishes should be put in the dishwasher.

    In many cases, I find people are less open to…or more sensitive to…opinions when:

    • The opinion challenges their view of themselves.
    • The opinion is out of alignment with their values.
    • The opinion is out of alignment with their desire for how things “should” work in the world.

    On the other hand, people are rarely affected by an expression of an opinion on a topic they don’t care about at all.

    All opinions are arbitrary.

    Your opinions about you.

    Your opinions about the world.

    Your opinions about how things “should” work.

    Other people’s opinions are all arbitrary, too.

    They are simply words that describe concepts that, yes, may influence others to adopt those opinions and act on them.

    I am a life coach.

    My business is literally to foster lasting, healthy change at the individual level.

    And individuals collectively make up communities and societies and governments. 

    Everyone benefits from coaching, I believe, because coaching encourages people to be better thinkers.

    Yes, that’s my opinion. And it’s also my opinion that good thinkers encourage healthy dialog in their communities.

    So I present to you one of my famous reframes.

    You can think of all opinions as observations. The words of the opinion are describing how that person believes and wishes the world would work.

    Even more powerfully, you can decide everyone’s opinions – including yours! – are invitations.

    Invitations to be curious and connect and understand. 

    Because open, receptive minds are open to influence, not resistant, protective, defensive minds.

    When presented with an opinion you don’t like, consider asking yourself these questions:

    • Why do I think this person thinks this way?
    • How does this opinion serve them and their communities?
    • When did I first identify that I disagree with this opinion?
    • How did I learn the opinion that I hold?
    • What is the feeling that comes up for me when I hear the other person’s opinion?
    • What truth or truths would we agree on? 

    It can be challenging to be triggered by another person’s opinion and turn it into an invitation for self-discovery.

    And yet there is so much we can learn by how we react to other people.

    The next time you’re irritated, annoyed, hurt, or angry by someone’s opinion…

    …take their observation as an invitation to get curious.

    You might learn something that surprises you!
    P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

    white paper and brown envelope
    Photo by Kate Macate on Unsplash

    Thoughts on “Drama”

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    “O.M.G. There’s so much dramaaaaaaaaaaahhhhaaaaa….”

    I hear the word drama often, both in my personal and professional spheres.

    However, when I’m coaching clients, it’s one of my “yellow light” words.

    This word arrives for two reasons.

    My client thinks they are being “dramatic” or that someone in their life is causing “drama.”

    When it comes to other people, the label “drama” usually comes packed with judgment about that other person. 

    They shouldn’t “stir the pot” or “rile people up” or “stick their nose in other people’s business.”

    (Such evocative word pictures, right?)

    Very often, when my client is labeling someone else as “dramatic,” there’s a strong sense that the person knows they are being dramatic and doing it on purpose. 

    Then there’s the way I hear “drama” when a client is using it to describe themselves, judging their experience.

    “I have all this mind drama.” (Like “mind drama” is a real thing more than a collection of thoughts.)

    “I feel so dramatic and out of control.”

    We sometimes see other people’s dramatic actions as intentional and malicious, done consciously by that person to create a negative reaction in us. They mean to be dramatic.

    On the other hand, our dramatic thinking is evidence of being out of control and unintentional, like something bad is happening to us, not by conscious choice. We don’t mean to be dramatic.

    Isn’t that curious?

    One of my preferred strategies for helping my client create awareness about “drama” is to draw focus to word choice and their definition of the words they are using.

    Use Case #1: They’re SOOOOO dramatic!

    If they’re talking about someone else, I’ll ask them to be as neutral as possible by describing the actual actions without adjectives.

    “My mother said, ‘Word1 word2 word3 word4…etc.”

    “My coworker shook her head from side to side and crossed their arms.”

    We get curious why a person would say those words or take those actions.

    We slow down time, my client and I, and pick out the drama that the client is adding with their chosen adjectives.

    When my client is adding drama to the description of the events, they are revealing more about themselves than they might realize. It’s fascinating and enlightening!

    It can be playful to look at the movements – the actions the people are taking – and separate those facts from the story, as if you’re searching for gold nuggets in a river pan full of stones.

    Use Case #2: I am having so much mind drama!

    When someone is judging their experience as being dramatic, I’ll often lead discovery the same way.

    Let’s separate the actions of what happened factually from reactions, including the reaction of telling a story about what’s going on.

    One element that I add when we’re working on a client’s judgment of themselves is to swap the word “drama” for words that indicate motion. 

    I’ll suggest describing their thinking like this: “My mind is generating activity in the form of multiple thoughts. I sometimes label this mental activity as ‘mind drama’.”

    The movement in your mind is an invitation. 

    It’s like a rustle in the bushes drawing your attention to something amazing.

    I coach a lot of clients about their work, including a lot of business owners. Sometimes they’ll say, “I’m having a lot of drama about marketing.”

    What does that mean exactly, I’ll ask. 

    In many cases, what that means is that they need to make a decision. 

    The increase in mental movement is caused by the lack of flow, like a clogged drain.

    The “mind drama” is their mind saying the flow is clogged.

    The next time you use words like “drama” or “dramatic”, get curious about the motion you are observing and the judgements, observations, opinions and other meaning you are making of those motions.

    Then ask…”Is this story helpful?” If not, how else could you describe the situation in a way that serves you?
    P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

    man opening his mouth and looking up
    Photo by Dorrell Tibbs on Unsplash

    Vacation: Enjoy the Ride Home?

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    Reflect on how you feel about the journey home from vacation/holiday.

    People seem to enjoy the ride to get to vacation whether by air, car, or train.

    There’s the sense of excitement and possibility, at least, and some enjoy the experience of going in itself.

    And…what about the ride home?

    Most of us feel tired. Maybe disappointed. (All those unfinished books! Just me?)

    Maybe stressed about coming back to “real” life with all of its obligations.

    Recently I went out of town to a conference.

    I met people in person that I’d grown to know and love over the pandemic years.

    By the time the event ended, we were all enthralled, inspired, and exhausted.

    I had the fortune of being just 3 hours away from the event by car.

    I gave my last hug goodbye and settled into the car, checking Google Maps for tricky traffic spots.

    I mentally geared up for the solo drive through fields of Texas wildflowers back to my home.

    And I decided right there: “I’m going to enjoy the journey home as much as every other part.”

    Normally I would find myself complaining in the final hour.

    “I’m tired. How much longer?”

    This time, I put on a fun Pandora radio station and decided that the last mile was going to be as good as – BETTER THAN – my first mile.

    I am turning 50 in 2022.

    I want my final miles to be BETTER THAN my first miles.

    I want the last 50 years to be BETTER THAN my first 50 years.

    Will it turn out that way?

    Ah, who knows?

    But I love that intention.

    If you are traveling this summer, consider trying that mindset on for yourself and your travel companions.

    • How can you have high energy and enthusiasm about going home?
    • What do you want to say to yourself to help cultivate a sense of EXCITEMENT about what awaits you at home?

    Try to take this beyond mere positive affirmation level.

    What if…you had a conversation on the ride home that changed a relationship for the better?

    What if…your colleagues are genuinely excited to see you back because they adore you, not just because you’re there to help with the work backlog?

    What if…you were genuinely excited to open your inbox because you know how much you mean to your customers and how much they mean to you?

    I worked for a company where they had a saying about sales: “The back half (of the year) is the best half.”

    Try it on like a new outfit. It might not be your typical style, but can you see yourself wearing the mindset of “coming back is the best?”

    See how it affects your relationship with stress.

    Life is a journey.

    Choose if you want to appreciate every moment.
    P.S. I invite you to fall in love with my podcast, “Less Stress, More Fun.” Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes are short (14-18 mins, on average), smart (lots of research) and fun (especially if you love 80s music).

    gray concrete road between green trees during daytime
    Photo by Mick Haupt on Unsplash

    Being Patient with Others

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    My sweet dog, Bailey, loves to go for neighborhood walks. And I joke that my heart rate tends to be lower than when I’m sitting at the computer working. Why?

    She’s a sniffer.

    Each blade of grass. The streetlights. And, of course, the universal dog message board – fire hydrants.

    Sniff.

    Sniff.

    Sometimes I think, “GAH! This is so boring.” while other times I feel absolutely in zen delight that she’s enjoying her home planet her way.

    In general or by default, where do you land on the spectrum of being patient with people, places, things and events?

    Do you find it hard or easy to be patient…or “it depends”?

    I used to be a little, shall we say, tightly wound. In a hurry.

    I equated moving fast with thinking fast.

    It was something that was modeled for me from a young age, that being in a hurry or moving fast was a sign of respect, hard work, and even intelligence.

    In the past few years as I coach myself and others, I have enjoyed having Bailey be a different teacher.

    I imagine our conversations:

    “Urg, Bailey, why can’t we just walk and get some pep in our step. This is boring!”

    “Moving fast is boring. This is better. Where are you in a hurry to go, anyway?”

    Of course, I’m a coach and I know intellectually that no person, place or thing that cause me to feel impatient.

    Impatience and patience are generated from within my own mind and body.

    I cannot actually “be patient with” Bailey.

    It more accurate to say I am learning the hardest job – to be patient with myself.

    Sure, I might have a part of me that gets antsy and wants to walk briskly with purpose and high energy, dancing in the sun beams with my heart pounding joyfully! That part of me wants to go!

    Bailey does not want to go that fast. And she’s older and prefers her pace.

    Those walks are for both of us.

    She exercises her sniffing.

    I exercise being comfortable with my impatience.

    If you are someone who can sometimes experience impatience, try the following recipe:

    1. Notice the thoughts. Step back from them as if you are in the audience of a play where the character speaking is “The Impatient One.” What is that character saying? (Sometimes I find the humor quickly when I step back.)
    2. Notice the feeling in your body. Do you feel a tightening or pressure? Where? Be a scientist and make mental notes describing neutrally the sensations you feel.
    3. Decide if you want to keep impatience as an “inside job” or express it on the outside of you through words, movement or other behaviors.

    Sometimes, i find that my impatience seems to be easier to live with just when I notice the storm of activity that’s being generated in my thoughts and feelings.

    Frankly, I can’t think of any situations where expressing impatience improves the outcome.

    Is being impatient a choice you want to make in your relationships?

    Same with the relationship with yourself.

    When you’re impatient, you’re reinforcing a pattern or even an identity that might not serve you any longer.

    Impatience, like any other reaction, is nothing more than information.

    It’s what you choose to do with that information that matters to you and others the most.
    P.S. I invite you to fall in love with my podcast, “Less Stress, More Fun.” Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes are short (14-18 mins, on average), smart (lots of research) and fun (especially if you love 80s music).

    person holding white short-coated dog
    Photo by Alexandre Debiève on Unsplash

    Setting Boundaries…with Yourself!

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    Consider what your culture has taught you around:

    • How you are supposed to serve at work
    • How you are supposed to show up as a parent
    • How you are supposed to be a relationship partner

    Many of my clients start working with me to tame their stress.

    And the reasons they give for their stress are “out there.”

    Too many…things to do.

    Not enough…time, money, sleep, self-care, good in the world, change.

    There are so many “not enoughs.”

    And…yet…

    You are free and totally in control of what you say yes to.

    Because…you could quit all of it, leave it burning behind you as you walk away like Keyser Soze.

    (Any other fans of the movie “Usual Suspects”? I remember loving that movie!)

    And if you’re not willing to walk away and let it burn, burn, burn…

    Well…

    It’s because you are saying yes to it.

    The number one counterbalance to the sources of stress in your life is setting amazingly clear boundaries with yourself.

    Recently, I was feeling annoyed with one of my teenage children.

    I could recognize that the annoyance was from my own thinking, not what he had done (or in this case, not done). 

    As my mind was playing “inner courtroom”, I paused long enough to ask myself this question:

    Is there a boundary issue that I want to address?

    I got curious where I had not set a boundary inside myself as it related to the situation.

    And, yes, that was the true source of myself.

    I had a clarity and decision gap.

    After I filled that gap and set a boundary with myself, the stress evaporated. 

    It’s easy to do this. 

    Here’s the process:

    1. Decide that you’ll take 110% responsibility for your emotional state. The world happens at you. Your reactions happen in you.
    2. Decide what you are willing to do.
    3. Decide what you are not willing to do.
    4. Decide what you are going to do if another person does something, avoids doing something, etc.
    5. Decide whether you are going to share your boundary with anyone else in advance.
    6. Decide what you are going to do if someone crosses your boundary.

    That’s it.

    This is a broken down process to show the power of what I call “decisive decision making.”

    The world will take as much as you have on offer. They don’t ask for “too much” – they just ask. It’s neutral.

    The truest freedom is knowing that you have all the time you need and all the resources you need for what you have said “yes” to.

    Have fun being liberated from stress!
    P.S. I invite you to fall in love with my podcast, “Less Stress, More Fun.” Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes are short (14-18 mins, on average), smart (lots of research) and fun (especially if you love 80s music).

    woman standing in green field
    Photo by Olia Nayda on Unsplash

    Enjoy Stress-Free Motherhood

    by

    Sunday, 8 May is Mother’s Day in the United States.

    If you are a mother, do you find it to be a stress-free experience?

    If you have a mother, did she find parenting a stress-free experience?

    Motherhood has been the primary vehicle for my own personal growth.

    In fact, I got my first coaching certification in order to relate better to my oldest child.

    It’s one of many gifts my children have invited me to open.

    Their presence asks me to consider: “Am I willing to face my own mental garbage in order to avoid passing it down to them?”

    Hell, yes, I am.

    I am one of the most happy, most laid back mothers and I delight in my (quite nearly perfect) children.

    And that’s the result of effort over time.

    I was a controlling, stressed, fear-full parent even though I was well-prepared for the job.

    I was the oldest of 5 kids, spaced out by marriages, and I got a lot of hands-on practice with babies.

    I was very comfortable with the care of an infant human. I took to new motherhood with excellence.

    And I was also mentally a hot mess, with undiagnosed complex PTSD ticking like a time bomb.

    But I came out the other side a changed woman and one heck of a mom. How?

    Here are the highlights from my own coaching journey into stress-free motherhood.

    First, get to know your thoughts and assumptions about motherhood.

    Imagine the phrases “good mother” and “bad mother.” What comes to mind for each?

    WHY? Where do those beliefs come from?

    It’s well worth taking a few minutes to examine what you believe to be true about being a “good” mother.

    Notice whether your definition would have been the same for a mother in the United States in 1972 or 1922 or 1872 or 1772.

    It helps to be aware whether the definition you have for “good” mothering increases your stress.

    What if you assumed it was awesome and stress-free? What would that be like for you?

    Second, observe your mothering behaviors and expectations.

    In general, how do you show up as a mother?

    How do you expect your own mother to show up?

    What are your behaviors when it comes to dealing directly with your kids?

    How do you expect your kids to behave most of the time?

    How often is stress the result of a clash between “I wish…” and “Things should…”?

    Do your expectations for yourself and others result in a stress-free experience?

    Finally, decide for yourself how you want to experience motherhood.

    You set the standard for what kind of parent you want to be.

    Most importantly, you set the standard for how you want to feel, in general, about being a mother.

    Here is a list of possible mothering “characteristics” – choose your preferences and add others that come to mind:

    Joy-full…playful…present…silly…nurturing…helpful…smart…protective…confident…encouraging…critical…judgemental…anxious……validated…angry…bewildered…curious

    If we think about being perceived as a mother, we consider other people’s opinions, including our children’s opinions.

    But…what do you want to think about yourself as a mother?

    All may have opinions about what kind of mother you are, but your own opinion of yourself is yours to write.

    For me, I choose

    • Curious about these young people I see developing so near me. I have the best seat in the house to see how they evolve! What a treasure!
    • Authentic when sharing myself, my values, my opinions and my failings/learnings. I want my kids to experience a multi-dimensional version of me. 
    • Prepared to teach them what they aren’t likely to learn anywhere else. We have reviewed wills and power of attorney documents, investment statements, and had frank talks about relationships. I want them to learn but also see me as a resource in the future. My eyes are on the far future for them…and about creating a relationship that lasts for decades long after they have become adults (and possibly parents themselves!).

    I love being a parent and it literally gets better with each passing year.

    But that didn’t come naturally. It’s the direct result of coaching myself hard and with bold, tough love.

    Happy Mother’s Day to each of you! I hope you, too, experience the joy of stress-free motherhood.

    P.S. I invite you to fall in love with my podcast, “Less Stress, More Fun.” Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes are short (14-18 mins, on average), smart (lots of research) and fun (especially if you love 80s music).

    two babies and woman sitting on sofa while holding baby and watching on tablet
    Photo by Alexander Dummer on Unsplash

    For the Love of Generations

    by

    I am Generation X. My sons are generation Z.

    They can’t stand Millennial culture.

    You know, because that’s a thing…hating on Millennials.

    Many people in my generation, or at least those I talk to about this individually, have ideas about Millennials that are unfavorable…

    …and these judgments don’t line up with my direct experience with those of that generation nor pop culture.

    I have a deep, abiding affection for all the generations, including Millennials. (I mean, c’mon, they make astounding TV…)

    Sure, I will agree that there are differences between generations.

    How could that not be true?

    In childhood, we are incubated in schoolrooms of 20-30 people, cross-pollinating pop culture, learning beliefs formed from a limited data set of inputs.

    Of course that is going to have an impression when you extrapolate it out to “people of a certain age.”

    What I don’t vibe with is hating on other generations.

    I coach people from 18 to 80, literally.

    I find that being able to have generational fluency and an appreciation for generational culture are wonderful attributes to bring to my work.

    Underneath all the generational differences are these commonalities:

    • Most people want to be seen and understood but then accepted and loved for who we are as individuals
    • Most people have a deep desire to do meaningful work
    • Most people have the desire to be connected with other people, even if the generations define this very differently

    Getting older is, well, a somewhat predictable process. It’s a matter of trade offs, it seems.

    As we get older, we collect experiences, see patterns and trends, and that shapes our perspective on life.

    Same with being young.

    Older or younger, we each have a big ol’ bag of marvelous opportunity and bullshit, 50% awesome and 50% suckage.

    Feeling like our dreams are just beyond our grasp seems to transcend the generations.

    But…

    Passion and creativity appear to be timeless.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is that age is a number. 

    Being “old” or “young” is a mindset.

    I adore seeing how history and culture morph to create new “truths.”

    What was right, true, and “known” 50 years ago is different than what we presume to “know” today.

    It’s fascinating to see politics and science evolve.

    Where will technology take us? Who knows.

    What will time reveal? Wait ‘n’ see, I suppose.

    And, underneath it all, the individual’s desire to have a life that’s “worthy” transcends all of it.

    To my “older” readers, keep your heart open to the younger generations.

    If you can see what they create with sheer delight and respect, well, it will help you feel younger.

    To my “younger” readers, start saving.

    Seriously, time is on your side (assuming a standard lifespan, that is).

    All of these amazing generations are all here together in this chunky soup of a culture.

    Why not choose to see the best in each other?

    My homework this week is to take an assessment of your social circle.

    Do you have 4+ generations represented?

    Maybe you could extend an invitation to someone in an underrepresented group.

    Show up prepared to offer and receive wisdom, humor, and connection. 

    What a wonderful way to spend a Sunday Funday!

    Here’s a good article on generations with a “born by” chart by Pew Research. Interesting reading!

    P.S. Please click here to sign up for my free mini-class “3 Ways to Reduce Stress TODAY!”

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    Photo by Jana Sabeth on Unsplash