Relationships

Lessons from Being “Mom”

April 29, 2023 by Lisa Schwaller

My oldest son turned 18 recently.

When I was growing up, I didn’t want to be a mom. I was the oldest in an abusive family and I didn’t want to pass on dysfunction. I was opposed to the idea of being a mother and even asked my doctor about sterilization in my early 20s.

Suffice it to say, NO ONE was more surprised when I said, “Sure, WTF. Let’s do this!” and got pregnant.

It’s been the most adventurous adventure of my life. Showing up for my kids prompted me to heal at a level I never, ever would have found otherwise.

So…thank you, Lisa 2004, for saying “yes” to the invitation to pregnancy and motherhood.

Now, dear reader, here are my most precious treasures collected during 18 years of parenting. I hope you’re entertained and inspired.

There’s thinking about something and doing it. Doing it is the only way you’ll know for sure what an experience will be like for you.
Just when you’ve got it figured out, it will change. (Term “it” defined as “life,” including sub-topic “parenting.”)
The stereotype of “a good mom” is limiting, outdated, and toxic AF.
Your opinion of yourself matters more than anyone else’s, including your kids. Holding yourself in high trust and high esteem beats people pleasing every damn time. (P.S. It’s okay if your kids don’t like you all the time. Really.)
Being a parent connects you to a singularly unique human experience. I was transformed by parenting to develop new emotions and a more expanded vision than I had before. It’s indescribable. (The parents reading this are likely nodding their heads…)
Parenting is fun when you have your priorities right.
Parenting is hard when you layer your own sh!t on top of your kids’ experiences.
Parenting is expensive. Also worth every damn penny. The investment doesn’t depreciate, either. My Kid #1 goes into the world telling jokes and being the most loyal of friends. He’s got a work ethic that won’t quit. You’re freakin’ welcome, future employer, partner, grandkids. We’re fortunate to have him on the team. #TeamHumanity
Parenting is a customized experience. Each parent-child pair is a unique match, never to be replicated. Treat that connection as a precious, rare prize and it’s amazing how you’ll experience it with intense joy and great humility.
Kids bloom when they are unconditionally loved and accepted. They really bloom when you model loving and accepting yourself unconditionally, even while wanting to grow and improve yourself.
Kids and parents both appreciate clear communication, including boundaries and apologies.
Parents model relationships with their kids. Would you want your kid to replicate their relationship with you at work, in their marriage, with their own kids? If the answer is “no,” it’s the parent’s responsibility to troubleshoot and resolve.
Kids are downloading and installing what you DO before they’re assimilating what you SAY.
My kids are not the result of my shaping. I am not a puppet master. Children are sovereign beings. Seeing myself as a team leader instead of a sculptor has made all the difference.
I am not my kid’s butler nor their concierge. Kids are capable of more independence and participation than they’re given credit for, even very young. When they say “I do it myself!!,” let ‘em. Note: Choosing this strategy makes things both easier and harder.
My family is a learning organization. It’s been my role to guide my kids to become strong decision makers and problem solvers. It’s not my job to do things for them but to create opportunities for them to practice doing for themselves and others. Note: Again, choosing this strategy makes things both easier and harder.
When you decide you’re really, really good at something…and you pair that decision with the commitment that you will be the best you can be…the results are amazing. Decisions first, results later. I decided that I would be a really good mom to these 2 humans, then I lived into that decision through the highs and lows. And I AM an amazing mother not by luck or training but through commitment and focus.
I expect nothing from my kids in return from my mothering. The relationship they create with me as adults is theirs to decide. They are beholden to no obligations. They are not responsible for my happiness and I’m not responsible for theirs. I give generously with no strings attached. Funny how this approach has built a ferociously strong bond that I anticipate will sustain over the next decades.

What would you write on your own list of “parenting treasures”? I’d love to read yours.

And, happy birthday, my adult son. Thanks for changing my life for the better.
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

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4 Love Challenges to Activate Joy

February 7, 2023 by Lisa Schwaller

Love can be very, very playful. Isn’t that love at its best, really?

Today I offer you 4 playful challenges or invitations to activate more love and joy in your life this month.

#1: Tell 5 people why you love them or their work.

The first challenge is to tell 5 people that you don’t (yet) know why you love them or their work.

VERBALLY.

Yes, like generating sounds and expressing them through your face. Ha!

This could mean reaching out to someone to leave an audio chat or a voicemail.

Or, for extra love points, it could mean saying it to their face, in person or on a video call.

You can substitute these words for “love”
💜 admire

❤️ respect

💜 appreciate

❤️ support

This is such a great challenge because it spreads love and maybe invites you to be a little vulnerable and courageous…which is a type of self-love. Reaching out honors our desire to connect. So this challenge is win-win!

#2: Send a paper love note using snail mail. Yeah, with a stamp!

Consider sending:

❤️ A romantic love note

💜 A note of encouragement to a family member

❤️ A note of appreciation to a friend, colleague or even a local business owner.

I find that sitting down to write a handwritten note activates the most beautiful feeling of thought-full connection. I imagine the person receiving the note and how they might receive it.

Love notes are a fun way to bring a loving gesture into the world.

Imagine each person who touches it getting a blessing as the note travels through many hands to its destination.

#3: Apologize. Release pain.

A very powerful way to create love in the world is to release pain.

Transmute the pain into love.

Is there something that you have been wanting to apologize for, to yourself or another person?

Maybe today’s the day.

See what happens when you release regret or forgive.

Is love created in that space?

#4: Do something really, really, really loving and kind for yourself.

What would be a very loving gesture you could give yourself?

Did something pop to mind? Or did your mind draw a blank?

Here are a handful of suggestions:

💜 dance to your favorite song

❤️ make a healthful, delicious meal for yourself

💜 give yourself a hug (don’t knock this – it works!)

❤️ tell yourself how much you love and believe in yourself

💜 spend 10 minutes outside looking into the distance

❤️ write a letter to future you in 2 years

💜 turn off notifications

❤️ forgive yourself for a past choice, if it’s time to do so

Have fun! Create love! Play!

I hope these challenges are joy-full, even the ones that might ask you to be brave.

Bravery and love…what companions those two feelings are. ❤️💜

Go make the world the place you want to live in today.
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

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Celebrating 2022’s Most Impactful Relationships

December 27, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

Who did you spend the most time with in the past 11-12 months?

Yourself, of course. You are the only person you spend time with around the clock.

And you likely have a satellite of people who are in your life regularly.

Evaluating who you spend time with – and why – can be a powerful way to reflect on your year.

And reflecting on what’s working and what you want to change is a great way to approach goal setting.

Let’s review and celebrate your most impactful relationships from this year.

#1 List your most frequent interactions.

Consider the following life areas:

Family (immediate and extended)
Career/business, including day-to-day and networking partnerships
Friends
Social media, including groups you participate in
Health and community, like people at your gym or at your kid’s school

In general, who are the 1-3 people you spend time with most frequently from each one of those life areas?

Who has had the most positive impact on your world in the past year?

Are there people that you would like to spend more or less time with and…why?

The “why” part of this question is very important. Your answer reveals your values, your obstacles, and sometimes your wishes for your future. There is no judgment about completing this step – just notice what comes up for you and how your mind tells the story about it.

My closest personal relationships are with my kids because they see me at my silliest and most relaxed. I sometimes joke that I wish I could be 100% of the time the way I feel like when I’m with them.

It’s helpful to ask yourself, “How do my most frequent interactions make me feel?”

#2 List the people that you think about most often

There are the people we spend time with in direct interactions.

And many of us think about people that we don’t interact with on a regular basis.

Consider the following prompts to see who your mind thinks about frequently, in addition to the people from #1:

Old romantic relationships
Family members that you’ve lost touch with or who have passed
Friends or coworkers that you’ve lost touch with

What do you feel when you go over this list?

I have someone who appears in my dreams consistently. I used to judge myself, wonder why I wasn’t “over him,” and really felt ashamed about how often he’d appear in my dream life. After coaching myself, I realized that this person continues to have a very loving, enjoyable impact in my life…even if we hardly talk in person. I decided to make it neutral – he’s just a character in my dream stories. It didn’t have to mean a single thing about me unless I let my thinking run away with the storytelling.

It seems most people that I work with feel embarrassed to be thinking “so much” about someone who isn’t in their life anymore…or grief at someone they can’t reach out to any more. Yet it’s nothing to judge and create more stress about. Instead, noticing that you’re thinking about these people has a great deal to teach you about yourself, and can be a wonderful way to connect with the type of people you’d prefer to have in your life.

# Decide what changes you want to make moving forward

Relationships are one area of life where people seem to easily fall into routine.

Close social relationships can be challenging to cultivate in a busy life filled with work and family.

Some people tend to be more social than others, and there is a strong cultural bias for “more is more” when it comes to friendship. This expectation seems to cause a great deal of stress for many of my clients. (Aren’t we all supposed to have at least 5 mixed gender close friends that we see everyday?!?)

In the spirit of celebration, reflect on and acknowledge the strong bonds you have in your life already.

Celebrate the information that comes from reviewing your most frequent actual and imagined relationships over the past year.

I did this exercise myself before writing it up for you. I was reminded that the people I let into my world have a great deal of impact over where I spend my focus, not just my minutes. Some communities just “vibe” better with the behaviors and characteristics that I want to cultivate. Checking in to evaluate my relationship focus helps me be more intentional in this important area of my life. I celebrate those who are traveling with me…and the wishes I have to refine my most impactful relationships in the coming year.
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

Celebrating 2022’s Most Frequent Thoughts & Feelings

December 13, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

It’s hard to believe another calendar year is coming to a close.

Has it been what you expected?

What did you accomplish?

I’ve become a believer in the art and delight of celebration.

Part of celebrating means “reverse engineering” what worked well and why.

As part of reflecting on your previous 11-12 months, I invite you to fill in the following prompts:

#1 List your most frequent THOUGHTS (3-5 thoughts/life area)

Have you ever noticed – really, really noticed – the constant stream of thinking?

There’s the thinking you “hear” and then all the thinking that doesn’t even catch your attention.

Here’s a scenario: Next time you are parked at a stoplight, notice the thinking.

You might notice the “about them” thoughts: “That car sure is going fast…” or “I wonder where they’re going today…”

Then there’s the thinking you don’t even notice – paying attention to the lights, whether anyone’s in the crosswalks, keeping your foot on the brake. There’s so much thinking that you don’t even pay attention to or you might lose your mind. Ha!

Now, think of your largest projects in the past year, things like your health, your business or career, your family, your romantic relationship, the relationship with yourself.

Write down all of those life areas and list your top 3-5 thoughts about each one.

Are your habitual thoughts expansive, loving, and creative?

Or are they contractive, judgmental, and limit your possibilities?

When you’re done with this exercise, you might see opportunities to practice new thoughts in each of your primary life areas next year. List 2-3 thoughts you’d love to practice on purpose.

#2 List your most frequent FEELINGS (3 “expansive” or “positive” and 3 “contractive” or “negative”)

Most of us have feeling habits.

Our habit feelings come from our habitual, default, unexamined thinking.

Reflecting back on the year past, what are your most common feelings?

I don’t like to label feelings “positive” or “negative” but it is a shortcut description for most of us.

Feelings are powerful indicators of where our minds are at.

I do not expect myself to be “happy” or “positive” all the time. I mean, goodness!, my dog has no worries in this life and sometimes she’s impatient and worried like during a noisy thunder storm.

All humans with our sophisticated minds have a range of high vibe and low vibe feelings.

What are your most common go-to feelings?

Look at those life areas again. Write your top feelings for each one.

You might see “business/career” and feel proud, stuck, challenged, bored, supported, or frustrated.

When you see your most frequent feelings, do you see opportunities for adjustments?

What changes would you like to make next year?

#3 Decide what you’d like to practice next year

The exercises to write down your list of most frequent thoughts and feelings is essentially an invitation to increase awareness of your habit of mind.

After all, we become what we think, feel, and do on repeat.

The coming new year is a wonderful opportunity to reflect on what you want to create in your life.

When you know what you want to create, you can reverse engineer your way into what you’d likely be thinking and feeling to make those wishes come true.

And I, for one, really believe you can make your dreams come true.

Let’s have fun with these exercises…and see what we learn about ourselves in the process!
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

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Gratitude & Appreciation

November 22, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

How do you experience the concept of “gratitude”?

What about “appreciation”?

Do they feel differently to you?

We are often encouraged to develop a gratitude practice. This might include starting the day with a gratitude list or ending with one, perhaps even in a journal.

This is an amazing idea.

And I have another one to suggest: Cultivate a walk-about-your-life appreciation practice.

When I work with people, they’ll sometimes say, “I know I should be grateful. But.”

The words “should” and “but” in their thinking are clues.

We talk about what gratitude means to them. Often the answer is laden with obligation and a sense of weightiness.

They do feel grateful for the good in their life, they really do, and there is a pressure for gratitude to outweigh their feelings of doubt, concern, worry, and sadness.

In my practice, personal and professional, I have developed the following loose working definitions:

Gratitude describes that deep, soul-felt thankfulness of the gifts you have received in your life. Maybe these gifts arrived from hard work or luck or a combination of both. There is a sense of weight to these thoughts and feelings associated with “gratitude” and “grateful.” It’s an acknowledgement of receiving something that is personal to you. When unfettered by obligation, gratitude feels beautiful, grounding, deepening.
Appreciation describes a light, butterfly-like noticing, an expression of delight that something is in your view. You can appreciate personal things – people, places, and things – and yet you can appreciate that which has nothing to do with you. You can appreciate an alternative viewpoint. You can appreciate another person’s style that might be very different from your own. You can appreciate an experience that is fleeting, such as a full moon or a cloud in the shape of a dragon.

I think gratitude is wonderful, really I do.

And I think that appreciation has a lot to offer people who are working through difficult situations – including difficult thinking patterns.

And I think appreciation as a practice is easier to weave into the day. Oh, I appreciate fun pencils and the way this keyboard feels under my fingers and the “clack, clack” sounds they make and sweet dog’s sigh of contentment after breakfast.

Yes, I am grateful for having all of those things, the computer and the companionship of sweet Bailey.

It’s just that appreciation feels super fun because appreciation is light and breezy.

This week, I invite you to practice appreciation. See if the lightness of it encourages you to do more of it without the “shoulds” and “buts.”

I appreciate that you took these minutes to read this article this week.

I appreciate having this place to share my thoughts in hopes it provides usefulness to you.

And I appreciate the idea of being connected to all of you through time and space.

Have a beautiful week!
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

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Do You Take Time “Off”?

November 15, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

Do you take your vacation days?

Do you use them to be “off”?

I’ve noticed a new phrase in the past couple of years: “real PTO.” (PTO = paid time off)

As in, “I’m trying to take a real PTO this year…” which is code for “I don’t plan to attend meetings, answer email, or engage in instant messaging.”

This is not a universal perspective on how work should work. Most of my colleagues in the UK, Europe, and Australia have no problem taking their time off.

One company I worked with in Australia ended the workday with a trip to the pub. It was actually part of their work culture. Working long hours was not considered a virtue and working while on holiday was verboten.

It’s so bizarre, when you think about it, the expectation to be “on” even while you’re “off.”

And yet there is often unspoken pressure to feel the pressure to do so. Yup, pressure to feel pressure.

When my kids were little, they were on the birthday party circuit.

The moms would hand out goody bags full of candy and trinkets. And the moms would also talk about how they hated the tradition of handing the kids a bag full of future tummy ache and garbage.

I had a talk with a friend where she was saying, “I just want to not do it…but I also don’t want my kid to be the only one who doesn’t hand out a goody bag.”

It’s the same flawed thinking that shows up on the average American “vacation”: “I don’t want to be the only one who doesn’t check in…what will they think of me?”

Who cares?

I don’t mean that to be rude, but if you take your time off and you’re actually off, what are the perceived negative consequences? What will you think about your decision?

It really does come down to a decision or series of decisions.

This is your job. This is the culture in your workplace. These are things you have said “yes” to.

How or if you keep working while you’re on vacation is your decision, too.

I’ve found through personal experience and coaching others that simply knowing that you are choosing your actions can be a HUGE stress buster.

If you’re going to do the goody bag for your kid’s birthday party, do it with a willing heart. Or just don’t and maybe risk being a trailblazer. Think of how much trash could be prevented – figuratively and literally – when you do what you think is right for you.

If you’re going to go totally offline on vacation, embrace your choice and any emotional discomfort that might arise. Maybe you’re setting an example to yourself and others of your values around work.

And, if you’re going to check in, know that you are saying “yes” to those actions. Maybe use it as an opportunity to check in with how you want to see yourself in relation to your job. Checking and answering email may be in alignment with your intention for your future self.

What you choose is yours to choose, including whether or not to take your time “off” or “on.”
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

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Leadership in Relationships

November 8, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

There are shelves in bookstores and pages in college catalogs devoted to leadership. There are advanced degrees, seminars, groups and organizations devoted to the topic.

But I think the concept of “leadership” is remarkably simple:

Knowing who you are, what you value and why
Showing up in full integrity for who you are and what you value
Doing the necessary repair if you have a fail with #2
Being clear with others how you prefer to be treated

Let’s break each one down, shall we?

Who am I and what do I value? And why?

The best way to show up as a leader, especially in relationships, is to know yourself on a very deep, realistic level.

Often people will go into relationships to fortify areas of themselves that seem missing. “I’m lonely,” they say, “and that’s why I want a partner.” Then it evolves into, “I’m lonely, so my partner should do things to remove this loneliness from me.”

And when you decide to know who you are, what you value, and why, it’s a natural extension to take personal responsibility for getting what matters most to me.

Being in a relationship with someone who is self-aware like this is an incredible experience! Then we’re there to share, not to address neglected or avoided inner work or maturity issues.

Do I show up in integrity with the decisions I’ve made about who I am and what I value?

This means knowing what you want, taking responsibility for creating those results, and owning when you fail to do so.

For example, let’s use the example of healthy eating.

Partner A wants to eat more vegetables. Partner B does not. Partner B brings home ice cream. Partner A chooses to eat it.

When Partner A is in integrity with themselves, they don’t blame Partner B for “sabotaging my eating plan!”

They know who they are and show up in integrity for themselves regardless of what’s happening around them or who’s doing what.

Being in a relationship with someone who displays the leadership of personal integrity can feel incredibly freeing. Look, two grownups sharing experiences while taking responsibility for ourselves! Pure magic!

When I make a mistake (intentionally or otherwise), do I take the steps to repair the issue?

Leadership means seeing what happens, learning the lesson, and taking corrective actions when needed.

In relationship, this means:

Seeing interactions as learning opportunities
Assuming good intent that your partner didn’t mean to be hurtful and neither did you (unless or until proven otherwise)
Apologizing
Taking steps to correct the mistake from a generous heart, not from obligation

Being in a relationship with someone who takes responsibility for mistakes can be a very deep, beautiful way to experience love and connection.

Am I clear with others how I prefer to be treated?

Boundaries, the way I practice them, are not like this: “Do what I say or you’ll get in trouble with me.”

The way I set boundaries is like this: “This is what I prefer/request. You are an adult and you always have your own agency to decide what to do. I don’t expect you to comply – you always have your choice. And…if you do X, my response will be Y.”

It’s clean. It’s clear. It’s respectful. And it avoids surprises.

It’s sharing your preferences and requests in a way that communicates your respect for your partner’s choice.

Being in a relationship with someone who sets respectful boundaries is a breath of fresh air. There are fewer surprises and less drama.

What do you think?

You have a beautiful opportunity to be a leader in every relationship you’re in, romantic, parenting, professional, and family.

And relationships where both people bring their simple, clean leadership energy are the ones that create the most beautiful outcomes.
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

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Being a Low Stress Friend

October 11, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

Are you a low stress friend?

I was inspired to write this because I’ve been exploring how I show up as a friend and areas where I’m not showing up.

I did a podcast episode on friendship and it really changed my perspective.

For one thing, I found out that researchers have studied friendship styles, which would explain how some people’s approach to friendship differs from another person’s style.

Then I ended up creating a project for myself to engage with people, especially meeting new people.

During the pandemic, I crawled tight inside my little shell. I loved it.

A long time passed before me, a super introverted person, started to realize how lonely I was feeling.

Part of this was realizing that some of my friendships had grown apart naturally, as they sometimes do.

Several of my friends relocated and our quarterly lunch dates weren’t an option any more.

Sometimes friendships fell into occasional texts because we didn’t have work stories to bind us together.

But I found that one major reason my social circle had changed was my desire to form connections with different types of people. The kinds of things I want to talk about are different now than they would have been a few years ago.

I started to reflect on what self-concept I wanted to have as someone’s friend.

What kind of friend was I? And what kind of friend do I want to be?

Professionally, I help people reduce stress in their lives to make more room for fun.

It was time for me to take my own medicine, socially speaking.

That’s when I had the playful idea of deciding to be a low stress friend.

I want my friendships to feel meaningful and safe – low stress.

I want my friendships to be about exchanging ideas and being silly – low stress.

While thinking about the friendships I want to nurture, I started to shift my thinking from what I wanted to get from my friendships and started to include more intention about what I could offer others when I’m their friend.

So…what does being a low stress friend mean to me?

I’m not entirely sure yet! 😂

For today, here’s how I define being a low stress friend:

My “yes” is real. I don’t say yes out of obligation. If I want to, I’ll say yes. If I don’t want to take up an invite, I’ll say no.
I don’t have expectations for communication style or frequency. I’ll reach out when I’m thinking about you without expecting a response in return.
I am working on being a better listener. Yes, I’m a coach so I have the skill of deep, deep listening when in my sessions. Now I’m trying to incorporate better listening in personal conversations without people feeling like they’re being coached.
I’m just here for you for whatever you’re able and willing to bring to the relationship. I’m not here to judge or offer fixes. I’m really trying to learn the art of offering unconditional love in a friendship connection at a deeper level.
I won’t overthink things. I have been an overthinker in the past and it’s just heavy. I’m going to pay more attention to actions than intentions, both mine and the ones of my friends.

This area of my life is a work in progress.

Part of the challenge is making it a priority to find new groups, nurture the seedlings of new friendships, and take risks in how I show up (aka run experiments).

I am hoping to create new kinds of friendships, ones that are both lighter and deeper, if that makes sense.

I’ve changed in recent years. It’s exciting to imagine what kinds of friendships I’ll attract and create in the coming years.

Feel free to comment with your reactions to this topic. What kind of friend do you like to be…and why?

P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

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