Relationships

Celebrating 2022’s Most Impactful Relationships

December 27, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

Who did you spend the most time with in the past 11-12 months?

Yourself, of course. You are the only person you spend time with around the clock.

And you likely have a satellite of people who are in your life regularly.

Evaluating who you spend time with – and why – can be a powerful way to reflect on your year.

And reflecting on what’s working and what you want to change is a great way to approach goal setting.

Let’s review and celebrate your most impactful relationships from this year.

#1 List your most frequent interactions.

Consider the following life areas:

Family (immediate and extended)
Career/business, including day-to-day and networking partnerships
Friends
Social media, including groups you participate in
Health and community, like people at your gym or at your kid’s school

In general, who are the 1-3 people you spend time with most frequently from each one of those life areas?

Who has had the most positive impact on your world in the past year?

Are there people that you would like to spend more or less time with and…why?

The “why” part of this question is very important. Your answer reveals your values, your obstacles, and sometimes your wishes for your future. There is no judgment about completing this step – just notice what comes up for you and how your mind tells the story about it.

My closest personal relationships are with my kids because they see me at my silliest and most relaxed. I sometimes joke that I wish I could be 100% of the time the way I feel like when I’m with them.

It’s helpful to ask yourself, “How do my most frequent interactions make me feel?”

#2 List the people that you think about most often

There are the people we spend time with in direct interactions.

And many of us think about people that we don’t interact with on a regular basis.

Consider the following prompts to see who your mind thinks about frequently, in addition to the people from #1:

Old romantic relationships
Family members that you’ve lost touch with or who have passed
Friends or coworkers that you’ve lost touch with

What do you feel when you go over this list?

I have someone who appears in my dreams consistently. I used to judge myself, wonder why I wasn’t “over him,” and really felt ashamed about how often he’d appear in my dream life. After coaching myself, I realized that this person continues to have a very loving, enjoyable impact in my life…even if we hardly talk in person. I decided to make it neutral – he’s just a character in my dream stories. It didn’t have to mean a single thing about me unless I let my thinking run away with the storytelling.

It seems most people that I work with feel embarrassed to be thinking “so much” about someone who isn’t in their life anymore…or grief at someone they can’t reach out to any more. Yet it’s nothing to judge and create more stress about. Instead, noticing that you’re thinking about these people has a great deal to teach you about yourself, and can be a wonderful way to connect with the type of people you’d prefer to have in your life.

# Decide what changes you want to make moving forward

Relationships are one area of life where people seem to easily fall into routine.

Close social relationships can be challenging to cultivate in a busy life filled with work and family.

Some people tend to be more social than others, and there is a strong cultural bias for “more is more” when it comes to friendship. This expectation seems to cause a great deal of stress for many of my clients. (Aren’t we all supposed to have at least 5 mixed gender close friends that we see everyday?!?)

In the spirit of celebration, reflect on and acknowledge the strong bonds you have in your life already.

Celebrate the information that comes from reviewing your most frequent actual and imagined relationships over the past year.

I did this exercise myself before writing it up for you. I was reminded that the people I let into my world have a great deal of impact over where I spend my focus, not just my minutes. Some communities just “vibe” better with the behaviors and characteristics that I want to cultivate. Checking in to evaluate my relationship focus helps me be more intentional in this important area of my life. I celebrate those who are traveling with me…and the wishes I have to refine my most impactful relationships in the coming year.
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

Celebrating 2022’s Most Frequent Thoughts & Feelings

December 13, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

It’s hard to believe another calendar year is coming to a close.

Has it been what you expected?

What did you accomplish?

I’ve become a believer in the art and delight of celebration.

Part of celebrating means “reverse engineering” what worked well and why.

As part of reflecting on your previous 11-12 months, I invite you to fill in the following prompts:

#1 List your most frequent THOUGHTS (3-5 thoughts/life area)

Have you ever noticed – really, really noticed – the constant stream of thinking?

There’s the thinking you “hear” and then all the thinking that doesn’t even catch your attention.

Here’s a scenario: Next time you are parked at a stoplight, notice the thinking.

You might notice the “about them” thoughts: “That car sure is going fast…” or “I wonder where they’re going today…”

Then there’s the thinking you don’t even notice – paying attention to the lights, whether anyone’s in the crosswalks, keeping your foot on the brake. There’s so much thinking that you don’t even pay attention to or you might lose your mind. Ha!

Now, think of your largest projects in the past year, things like your health, your business or career, your family, your romantic relationship, the relationship with yourself.

Write down all of those life areas and list your top 3-5 thoughts about each one.

Are your habitual thoughts expansive, loving, and creative?

Or are they contractive, judgmental, and limit your possibilities?

When you’re done with this exercise, you might see opportunities to practice new thoughts in each of your primary life areas next year. List 2-3 thoughts you’d love to practice on purpose.

#2 List your most frequent FEELINGS (3 “expansive” or “positive” and 3 “contractive” or “negative”)

Most of us have feeling habits.

Our habit feelings come from our habitual, default, unexamined thinking.

Reflecting back on the year past, what are your most common feelings?

I don’t like to label feelings “positive” or “negative” but it is a shortcut description for most of us.

Feelings are powerful indicators of where our minds are at.

I do not expect myself to be “happy” or “positive” all the time. I mean, goodness!, my dog has no worries in this life and sometimes she’s impatient and worried like during a noisy thunder storm.

All humans with our sophisticated minds have a range of high vibe and low vibe feelings.

What are your most common go-to feelings?

Look at those life areas again. Write your top feelings for each one.

You might see “business/career” and feel proud, stuck, challenged, bored, supported, or frustrated.

When you see your most frequent feelings, do you see opportunities for adjustments?

What changes would you like to make next year?

#3 Decide what you’d like to practice next year

The exercises to write down your list of most frequent thoughts and feelings is essentially an invitation to increase awareness of your habit of mind.

After all, we become what we think, feel, and do on repeat.

The coming new year is a wonderful opportunity to reflect on what you want to create in your life.

When you know what you want to create, you can reverse engineer your way into what you’d likely be thinking and feeling to make those wishes come true.

And I, for one, really believe you can make your dreams come true.

Let’s have fun with these exercises…and see what we learn about ourselves in the process!
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

person holding on red pen while writing on book — Photo by lilartsy on Unsplash

Gratitude & Appreciation

November 22, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

How do you experience the concept of “gratitude”?

What about “appreciation”?

Do they feel differently to you?

We are often encouraged to develop a gratitude practice. This might include starting the day with a gratitude list or ending with one, perhaps even in a journal.

This is an amazing idea.

And I have another one to suggest: Cultivate a walk-about-your-life appreciation practice.

When I work with people, they’ll sometimes say, “I know I should be grateful. But.”

The words “should” and “but” in their thinking are clues.

We talk about what gratitude means to them. Often the answer is laden with obligation and a sense of weightiness.

They do feel grateful for the good in their life, they really do, and there is a pressure for gratitude to outweigh their feelings of doubt, concern, worry, and sadness.

In my practice, personal and professional, I have developed the following loose working definitions:

Gratitude describes that deep, soul-felt thankfulness of the gifts you have received in your life. Maybe these gifts arrived from hard work or luck or a combination of both. There is a sense of weight to these thoughts and feelings associated with “gratitude” and “grateful.” It’s an acknowledgement of receiving something that is personal to you. When unfettered by obligation, gratitude feels beautiful, grounding, deepening.
Appreciation describes a light, butterfly-like noticing, an expression of delight that something is in your view. You can appreciate personal things – people, places, and things – and yet you can appreciate that which has nothing to do with you. You can appreciate an alternative viewpoint. You can appreciate another person’s style that might be very different from your own. You can appreciate an experience that is fleeting, such as a full moon or a cloud in the shape of a dragon.

I think gratitude is wonderful, really I do.

And I think that appreciation has a lot to offer people who are working through difficult situations – including difficult thinking patterns.

And I think appreciation as a practice is easier to weave into the day. Oh, I appreciate fun pencils and the way this keyboard feels under my fingers and the “clack, clack” sounds they make and sweet dog’s sigh of contentment after breakfast.

Yes, I am grateful for having all of those things, the computer and the companionship of sweet Bailey.

It’s just that appreciation feels super fun because appreciation is light and breezy.

This week, I invite you to practice appreciation. See if the lightness of it encourages you to do more of it without the “shoulds” and “buts.”

I appreciate that you took these minutes to read this article this week.

I appreciate having this place to share my thoughts in hopes it provides usefulness to you.

And I appreciate the idea of being connected to all of you through time and space.

Have a beautiful week!
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

orange and black butterfly perched on yellow flower — Photo by Alfred Schrock on Unsplash

Do You Take Time “Off”?

November 15, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

Do you take your vacation days?

Do you use them to be “off”?

I’ve noticed a new phrase in the past couple of years: “real PTO.” (PTO = paid time off)

As in, “I’m trying to take a real PTO this year…” which is code for “I don’t plan to attend meetings, answer email, or engage in instant messaging.”

This is not a universal perspective on how work should work. Most of my colleagues in the UK, Europe, and Australia have no problem taking their time off.

One company I worked with in Australia ended the workday with a trip to the pub. It was actually part of their work culture. Working long hours was not considered a virtue and working while on holiday was verboten.

It’s so bizarre, when you think about it, the expectation to be “on” even while you’re “off.”

And yet there is often unspoken pressure to feel the pressure to do so. Yup, pressure to feel pressure.

When my kids were little, they were on the birthday party circuit.

The moms would hand out goody bags full of candy and trinkets. And the moms would also talk about how they hated the tradition of handing the kids a bag full of future tummy ache and garbage.

I had a talk with a friend where she was saying, “I just want to not do it…but I also don’t want my kid to be the only one who doesn’t hand out a goody bag.”

It’s the same flawed thinking that shows up on the average American “vacation”: “I don’t want to be the only one who doesn’t check in…what will they think of me?”

Who cares?

I don’t mean that to be rude, but if you take your time off and you’re actually off, what are the perceived negative consequences? What will you think about your decision?

It really does come down to a decision or series of decisions.

This is your job. This is the culture in your workplace. These are things you have said “yes” to.

How or if you keep working while you’re on vacation is your decision, too.

I’ve found through personal experience and coaching others that simply knowing that you are choosing your actions can be a HUGE stress buster.

If you’re going to do the goody bag for your kid’s birthday party, do it with a willing heart. Or just don’t and maybe risk being a trailblazer. Think of how much trash could be prevented – figuratively and literally – when you do what you think is right for you.

If you’re going to go totally offline on vacation, embrace your choice and any emotional discomfort that might arise. Maybe you’re setting an example to yourself and others of your values around work.

And, if you’re going to check in, know that you are saying “yes” to those actions. Maybe use it as an opportunity to check in with how you want to see yourself in relation to your job. Checking and answering email may be in alignment with your intention for your future self.

What you choose is yours to choose, including whether or not to take your time “off” or “on.”
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

man holding girl heading towards sea — Photo by Derek Thomson on Unsplash

Leadership in Relationships

November 8, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

There are shelves in bookstores and pages in college catalogs devoted to leadership. There are advanced degrees, seminars, groups and organizations devoted to the topic.

But I think the concept of “leadership” is remarkably simple:

Knowing who you are, what you value and why
Showing up in full integrity for who you are and what you value
Doing the necessary repair if you have a fail with #2
Being clear with others how you prefer to be treated

Let’s break each one down, shall we?

Who am I and what do I value? And why?

The best way to show up as a leader, especially in relationships, is to know yourself on a very deep, realistic level.

Often people will go into relationships to fortify areas of themselves that seem missing. “I’m lonely,” they say, “and that’s why I want a partner.” Then it evolves into, “I’m lonely, so my partner should do things to remove this loneliness from me.”

And when you decide to know who you are, what you value, and why, it’s a natural extension to take personal responsibility for getting what matters most to me.

Being in a relationship with someone who is self-aware like this is an incredible experience! Then we’re there to share, not to address neglected or avoided inner work or maturity issues.

Do I show up in integrity with the decisions I’ve made about who I am and what I value?

This means knowing what you want, taking responsibility for creating those results, and owning when you fail to do so.

For example, let’s use the example of healthy eating.

Partner A wants to eat more vegetables. Partner B does not. Partner B brings home ice cream. Partner A chooses to eat it.

When Partner A is in integrity with themselves, they don’t blame Partner B for “sabotaging my eating plan!”

They know who they are and show up in integrity for themselves regardless of what’s happening around them or who’s doing what.

Being in a relationship with someone who displays the leadership of personal integrity can feel incredibly freeing. Look, two grownups sharing experiences while taking responsibility for ourselves! Pure magic!

When I make a mistake (intentionally or otherwise), do I take the steps to repair the issue?

Leadership means seeing what happens, learning the lesson, and taking corrective actions when needed.

In relationship, this means:

Seeing interactions as learning opportunities
Assuming good intent that your partner didn’t mean to be hurtful and neither did you (unless or until proven otherwise)
Apologizing
Taking steps to correct the mistake from a generous heart, not from obligation

Being in a relationship with someone who takes responsibility for mistakes can be a very deep, beautiful way to experience love and connection.

Am I clear with others how I prefer to be treated?

Boundaries, the way I practice them, are not like this: “Do what I say or you’ll get in trouble with me.”

The way I set boundaries is like this: “This is what I prefer/request. You are an adult and you always have your own agency to decide what to do. I don’t expect you to comply – you always have your choice. And…if you do X, my response will be Y.”

It’s clean. It’s clear. It’s respectful. And it avoids surprises.

It’s sharing your preferences and requests in a way that communicates your respect for your partner’s choice.

Being in a relationship with someone who sets respectful boundaries is a breath of fresh air. There are fewer surprises and less drama.

What do you think?

You have a beautiful opportunity to be a leader in every relationship you’re in, romantic, parenting, professional, and family.

And relationships where both people bring their simple, clean leadership energy are the ones that create the most beautiful outcomes.
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

two doll wearing knit caps — Photo by Anda Deea on Unsplash

Being a Low Stress Friend

October 11, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

Are you a low stress friend?

I was inspired to write this because I’ve been exploring how I show up as a friend and areas where I’m not showing up.

I did a podcast episode on friendship and it really changed my perspective.

For one thing, I found out that researchers have studied friendship styles, which would explain how some people’s approach to friendship differs from another person’s style.

Then I ended up creating a project for myself to engage with people, especially meeting new people.

During the pandemic, I crawled tight inside my little shell. I loved it.

A long time passed before me, a super introverted person, started to realize how lonely I was feeling.

Part of this was realizing that some of my friendships had grown apart naturally, as they sometimes do.

Several of my friends relocated and our quarterly lunch dates weren’t an option any more.

Sometimes friendships fell into occasional texts because we didn’t have work stories to bind us together.

But I found that one major reason my social circle had changed was my desire to form connections with different types of people. The kinds of things I want to talk about are different now than they would have been a few years ago.

I started to reflect on what self-concept I wanted to have as someone’s friend.

What kind of friend was I? And what kind of friend do I want to be?

Professionally, I help people reduce stress in their lives to make more room for fun.

It was time for me to take my own medicine, socially speaking.

That’s when I had the playful idea of deciding to be a low stress friend.

I want my friendships to feel meaningful and safe – low stress.

I want my friendships to be about exchanging ideas and being silly – low stress.

While thinking about the friendships I want to nurture, I started to shift my thinking from what I wanted to get from my friendships and started to include more intention about what I could offer others when I’m their friend.

So…what does being a low stress friend mean to me?

I’m not entirely sure yet! 😂

For today, here’s how I define being a low stress friend:

My “yes” is real. I don’t say yes out of obligation. If I want to, I’ll say yes. If I don’t want to take up an invite, I’ll say no.
I don’t have expectations for communication style or frequency. I’ll reach out when I’m thinking about you without expecting a response in return.
I am working on being a better listener. Yes, I’m a coach so I have the skill of deep, deep listening when in my sessions. Now I’m trying to incorporate better listening in personal conversations without people feeling like they’re being coached.
I’m just here for you for whatever you’re able and willing to bring to the relationship. I’m not here to judge or offer fixes. I’m really trying to learn the art of offering unconditional love in a friendship connection at a deeper level.
I won’t overthink things. I have been an overthinker in the past and it’s just heavy. I’m going to pay more attention to actions than intentions, both mine and the ones of my friends.

This area of my life is a work in progress.

Part of the challenge is making it a priority to find new groups, nurture the seedlings of new friendships, and take risks in how I show up (aka run experiments).

I am hoping to create new kinds of friendships, ones that are both lighter and deeper, if that makes sense.

I’ve changed in recent years. It’s exciting to imagine what kinds of friendships I’ll attract and create in the coming years.

Feel free to comment with your reactions to this topic. What kind of friend do you like to be…and why?

P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

two brown hermit crab on sand at daytime — Photo by Thomas Lipke on Unsplash

Loosen the Leash

September 13, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

I adore my sweet dog, Bailey.

Adore her.

She is one of my favorite companions.

She prefers to be in the same room that I’m in and is a regular podcast producer and coaching support.

Her very favorite thing in this whole world is to go for a walk.

She does not walk, though.

She does a leisurely tour of the neighborhood by smell.

Oh, a blade of grass! Sniff.

Ooooh, a street light! Sniff.

Ooooooooh, amazing, a pile of sticks ready for bulk waste removal! Sniiiiif.

We do short walks because long walks tire her mature hips.

So it will take us 10 minutes to travel past 10 houses. Sniff.

I, on the other hand, prefer to walk at a lively clip. But this is not the pace with sweet dog Bailey.

One day, I was walking her and musing on life while she sniffed joyfully.

She pulled over to the side of the road in pursuit of a particularly exciting smell.

And I had the thought…

When the leash gets stretched and I pull on it, she resists.

When I loosen the leash, we both relax and she’s more open to persuasion.

It made me think about coaching.

And change.

What does it take to change a human’s mind?

When the connection grows taut, tugging another person or even our own habitual reaction is likely to invite resistance.

A good example of this comes up in each coaching session.

Maybe my client needs a moment to follow an idea. If I tug on the conversation to pull them back on track – or at least what I might imagine is on track – I’ll enact their healthy, protective mental resistance.

Same thing happens to me.

Some people can get tugged to and fro without complaint.

And some people resist. Rebel. People prefer to go at their own pace.

When you are working to influence change in yourself or with others, check how tightly you are holding the lead.

Are you pulling where you think things should go?

What happens if you loosen the leash?

Or even…what happens when you stop feeling the need to lead at all?

The walks I take with Bailey are for her. The purpose of those walks are for me to give her access to what she loves best.

As a coach, the purpose is for me to help my client create an amazing relationship with themselves so they can create whatever they want to experience in their life.

I am simply there to offer support.

Think about this analogy the next time you are in a conversation with a relationship partner…or a debate at work…or trying to persuade your kids to do, well, anything.

Are you supporting, keeping the connection loose with room to maneuver?

Or are you holding a tight leash that invites the other person to resist?

Practice choosing a loose connection and see what happens!

P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

P.P.S. Bailey says, “Walks are great and outside smells are the best! Try that, too!”

black and white border collie — Photo by Raoul Croes on Unsplash

People’s Opinions are Invitations

September 6, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

Do you love other people’s strongly worded opinions that are the opposite of your opinions?

People have a wide spectrum of reactions to other people’s opinions.

Some people are completely immune to the ideas of others. They could care less about what other people think, whether in general, about the world, about politics or even about them. Live and let live, they declare!

And some people are majorly, deeply, intensely offended or hurt by other people’s differing opinions.

No matter how reactive you are to other people’s opinions, this article is for you.

Keep in mind that we might not all react with the same intensity in every situation, either.

You might be more annoyed by differences in professional opinions or political views or in how the dishes should be put in the dishwasher.

In many cases, I find people are less open to…or more sensitive to…opinions when:

The opinion challenges their view of themselves.
The opinion is out of alignment with their values.
The opinion is out of alignment with their desire for how things “should” work in the world.

On the other hand, people are rarely affected by an expression of an opinion on a topic they don’t care about at all.

All opinions are arbitrary.

Your opinions about you.

Your opinions about the world.

Your opinions about how things “should” work.

Other people’s opinions are all arbitrary, too.

They are simply words that describe concepts that, yes, may influence others to adopt those opinions and act on them.

I am a life coach.

My business is literally to foster lasting, healthy change at the individual level.

And individuals collectively make up communities and societies and governments.

Everyone benefits from coaching, I believe, because coaching encourages people to be better thinkers.

Yes, that’s my opinion. And it’s also my opinion that good thinkers encourage healthy dialog in their communities.

So I present to you one of my famous reframes.

You can think of all opinions as observations. The words of the opinion are describing how that person believes and wishes the world would work.

Even more powerfully, you can decide everyone’s opinions – including yours! – are invitations.

Invitations to be curious and connect and understand.

Because open, receptive minds are open to influence, not resistant, protective, defensive minds.

When presented with an opinion you don’t like, consider asking yourself these questions:

Why do I think this person thinks this way?
How does this opinion serve them and their communities?
When did I first identify that I disagree with this opinion?
How did I learn the opinion that I hold?
What is the feeling that comes up for me when I hear the other person’s opinion?
What truth or truths would we agree on?

It can be challenging to be triggered by another person’s opinion and turn it into an invitation for self-discovery.

And yet there is so much we can learn by how we react to other people.

The next time you’re irritated, annoyed, hurt, or angry by someone’s opinion…

…take their observation as an invitation to get curious.

You might learn something that surprises you!
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

Let's stay in touch!

Relationships