Uncategorized

Do you think you are a good listener?

How about listening to yourself?

Recently I went out of town with my family.

Out of town…like “walk to the top of the hill to get cell reception” and “ain’t nothin’ but miles of cows” out of town. Remote.

It was blissful to unplug that way.

I remember walking up to the top of the hill without a cell phone. My cell was mostly tucked in my bag, largely ignored, so there are few photos of the stunning sunsets.

I didn’t log into anything for days.

Instead, I tuned into the relationships that mean the most to me.

I put myself in “listening mode.”

I sat on the covered porch each morning with my dog, my coffee, and the sound of cows.

My deepest wisdom has been pointing me in a new direction for several months, and I’m listening.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve shared my thoughts with people that I trust, and I really listened to the words I was saying, and what my advisors had to say in return.

Deep, deep listening.

It’s a tough skill to practice.

Here’s your homework this week:

Listen to yourself and others like they’re about to tell you something amazing. Life changing even.

Lean in. Perk up. Be there with everything but that mind that thinks constantly.

Mind off. Heart open.

Listen…

Notice how often that mind of yours wants to chime in with its 2 cents.

And then watch this space for changes that are arising from my deep listening.

Love you madly,

Lisa

Hello, lovely you,

I like to play the imagination game. 

We used to do this naturally as children.

I play the imagination game a lot in my life – it’s fun and it opens up my mind to possibilities.

So, lovely you, the one who wants more intimacy in your relationship…

Imagine having sex…

5 times a week. 10 times a week. 15 times a week. 

What did your mind say to you at each suggestion?

Was it like “cool”…then “um, what now?”…then “that’s just ludicrous.”

That’s what most of my clients say when I pose this thought experiment. 

Now let’s go in reverse. Imagine having sex…

Once a month. Once a year. Never again.

Listen to your mind’s response. 

Isn’t that amazing? We played make believe and your brain had thoughts about it!

The number of times a couple has sex together is just a number. Neutral. 

It means nothing about the relationship itself or even the couple’s shared level of desire.

Read that again. 

The actual sex has nothing to do with each partner’s desire or the longevity of a relationship. 

Pick a number that would be your sex goal. 

How many times a week or month would you like to have sex with your partner?

Then double it. 

Double it again!

Write down ALL the thoughts and feelings that come up when you imagine all that sex. 

What would change in your relationship, do you think?

Most importantly, would this change how you think about yourself?

Why?

Love you madly,

Lisa

P.S. If this makes your mind feel kind of melty and bendy, let’s talk. I help people break open beliefs about what’s possible for their sexual relationship. Like Neo dodging bullets in the Matrix! Book a consult with me today. Open your mind.

Today I bring you an opportunity. 

What if you decided to remember only the good stuff?

I’ve done a lot of work with my past stories. 

I used to drag my past around like so much heavy luggage, trying to analyze what went wrong and why.

My past was my favorite bag of excuses, to be completely honest.

But it doesn’t serve me to carry around stories from the past. 

Today’s opportunity is that the same is likely true for you.

What’s in the past is gone. 

At least until someone remembers it.

I choose to live here – in the now – for my future. 

The future I create with today’s choices. 

Same thing for my relationship. 

I can’t unsay the words or undo actions. 

Neither can my partner. 

Of course, I want to learn the lessons.

And yet I have decided to take it a step further.

After I learn the lessons, I selectively save the past. 

And, when I do care to revisit the past, I’m going to choose to remember the good things. 

When we have a memory, we’re literally creating it in real time. (Look up new science on memory – fascinating!)

If I’m going to use my mind to create something in my present, I’d rather choose that it be a good thing. 

I will choose to remember the encouraging words. The fun experiences. 

When I look back on the past in my relationships, I actively seek the best. 

What would it be like if you and your partner talked about the old days fondly?

What if you remembered the best memories first because you practiced remembering only the good stuff?

This week, experiment with writing 3-5 of your relationship memories expecting to see the good.

Notice if this does anything to influence how you feel about your partner in the present moment. 

When you remember only the good, does that cause you to create more useful thoughts in the present?

Have fun with this. 

Love you madly,

Lisa

You are a magician!

You can create feelings – any feelings – about anything!

You can create any feelings about any person…including your partner.

Are you a parent?

Do you love your children? Why?

This is something most people don’t question but…think about it. Where does the love come from?

Now imagine your favorite TV show or movie. Imagine a character that you love. Maybe there’s a character that you love to hate. 

My youngest son and I do not like the character of Ross in Friends. We have our reasons, primarily that we enjoy randomly banding together in a faux dislike of a faux person. We find it very meta and heee-larious to pretend to care about Ross enough to dislike him.

Thoughts: Ross is whiny. Ross plays synthesizer. Ross is “too” earnest. Ross does that shushing thing with the hand gesture and the “know-it-all” face. Feeling: Dislike

Thoughts: Ross is a supportive friend. Ross is committed to his kids. Ross loves deeply. Feeling: Like

Same character. Different experiences for the thinker. Zero impact on Ross’ “life.”

Notice the thoughts and feelings you have about your partner most frequently. 

Pay attention to how your brain goes on a treasure hunt for evidence to prove your thoughts true. 

Flip the feelings. What thoughts would create those feelings?

“She puts too much pressure on me to have sex.” = feeling “resistant” or “discouraged”

“She feels a strong need to connect with me through sex.” = feeling “curious” or “desired”

Same situation, different interpretation.

You can do that with your mind like MAGIC!

Alright, you can likely guess what I will suggest to you next because you have a magic mind.

Write down the 5-10 most common thoughts you have about your partner. 

List what each thought causes you to feel. 

These are the thoughts you are choosing today. 

Are you happy with this list? If not, brainstorm what you would like to change. 

This is part of the work I do with my clients each week. You cannot create your partner’s thoughts, feelings or actions. But you can learn to intentionally create and act on your own feelings. 

And the results? Pure magic.

Love you madly,

Lisa

P.S. Would you like to create a magical connection with your partner? My coaching program is more than a bag of tricks. Click here to sign up for a free session if you’re curious to learn more.

Listen, my dear friends…

Doing things for others in order to get love in return is creepy. 

And it’s normal. 

Socially condoned, even. 

Women are supposed to serve others. Men are bound by duty, too. 

Scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.
This is called “people pleasing.”

Does it always feel great to the person being pleased? Not always. Sometimes the person on the receiving end feels pressured to be delighted by all this pleasing. 

In fact, when someone does things because they think we want them to, it feels fake.

I think sometimes people think sex is part of this cycle. 

If you do X for me, I will do Y sex act for you. 

It’s such a common idea that we have jokes about it. What is March 14th? It’s the month after Valentine’s Day and the day a man is justly rewarded if he was a “good boy” for Valentine’s Day. 

Google it. I’ll wait. 

But reciprocity in relationships is not necessarily and not helpful. 

Stay with me because I’m tearing down a social rule. Like a rebel.

Imagine…

What would it be like if 100% of the choices and behaviors you made in your relationship were because you wanted to. Period. End of sentence. 

And, what would it be like if your partner – a grown adult – was allowed and encouraged to do 100% of what they wanted to. Because they wanted to. Period. End of sentence. 

That is a partnership of equals, of two people in their independent adulthoods, choosing from free will.

And.

It.

Feels.

Delicious.

This week, notice how often you say or do things expecting something in return. 

What would it be like to love without expectations?

Love you madly,

Lisa

P.S. Here’s a link to why I sign off the way I do, Cake’s song “Love You Madly” from 2001 and one of my super favorites.P.P.S. While you’re on YouTube, check out my new channel! I’ll be turning these letters into short videos each week so you can listen to coach wisdom on the go.

Do you ever want to be close to someone while subtly showing them the door?

Example: I was working with a client who kept telling her partner, “I know this isn’t what you signed up for…” and that sort of thing. 

She was surprised when I asked her, “Do you want him to leave? You’re giving so many signals that the exit is right over there…and you’ll help him pack!” 

We laughed, but I had a point. 

Sometimes we intend to signal “I want you to stick with me through this.”

Yet it might come across as “If you can’t hang, friend, there’s the door!”

It’s a dynamic I see all the time. It’s one I’ve lived with myself from time to time. 

“I want you – so please notice how I don’t need you.”

“I want you to stand with me as I work through improving myself – and I get why you wouldn’t or don’t want to.”

“I want you to stay – so here’s the door if you feel compelled to leave.”

In other words, “I’m scared you’ll leave, so I’m beating you to the punch.”

For some, that protection was developed very early in our lives. 

We are okay, independent, capable…until it gets up close and personal. 

Then it feels scary to be seen for what and who we are. 

If you’re in a low intimacy relationship, my guess is that there’s some version of this dance. 

Want to be close…

…scared to get closer…

…want to be connected…

…as long as no one gets hurt. 

It’s a losing game, my friends. 

Yes, you might feel more “safe” alone or even just not initiating touch or conversation. 

But think of the connection and growth you’ll miss out on when you protect yourself. 

What’s the upside to being vulnerable?

It depends on how you want to live this one wild and precious life.

Love you madly, 

Lisa

Gather around, my friends, it’s story time. 

Once upon a time, two people met each other. 

They liked each other and the relationship grew into something beautiful. 

They decided to say “yes” to each other. Maybe there was a state-sanctioned ceremony. Maybe not. 

They said “forever” to each other. 

Then things got weird. 

[record scratch]

Wait, what? PLOT TWIST!

People desperately want to be seen and feel connected in their relationship. 

Yet, at times, they are incredibly uncomfortable talking with their partner about certain topics like s-e-x.

Why would anything be off limits with your person? 

Are you afraid they might reject you? Get angry? Laugh?

The worst thing that can happen when you speak your truth is just a feeling. 

Now, you might be thinking, “But they could…” and there is some scary thing after “…”

Would your partner react badly?

Maybe.

But awkwardly avoiding certain topics with your person isn’t good for you, either.

Listen, I have been super awkward about intimacy in my relationships.

My trauma experiences and general lack of emotional maturity caused a lot of grief for my partner and me. 

I felt shame about certain topics like s-e-x. I didn’t want to talk about it with my partner. 

I avoided judgement because of my own self-judgment. 

I judged myself as “weird.”

So. I suffered.

You do not have to suffer being awkward in your closest relationship. No, nope, no way. I can help you. 

For starters, ask yourself this question:

What’s one thing that you’ve never told another person? Why do you think that you’ve kept this to yourself?

Love you madly,

Lisa

Spring is my favorite season, so I’m in heaven. I love spring breezes and warm sunshine.
Speaking of things that feel good…here’s something that doesn’t:
Hugs that make you cringe.
I hear over and over and over again thoughts like this:
“When he hugs me, I think, ‘Oh, he just wants sex.’”
“She cuddles up next to me and I cringe. I just want to watch TV.”
Isn’t it lovely when physical affection creeps you out? NOT!
Why do we let this happen in our romantic relationship?
Miscommunication?
We make assumptions.
We avoid speaking up.
We try to be “nice” or avoid hurting our partner’s feelings.
Which we can’t do. I promise you that.
You are not responsible for your partner’s feelings. They are, just as you are responsible for yours.
You are not a mind reader. Except for your own mind – you listen to that dialog all day.
What if a hug was just a hug?
You can hug or not. Saying yes to a hug is not consent to sex.
You can say yes or no to anything at any time.
Really. Will it have consequences for the relationship?
Perhaps. But so does cringing away from your partner.
Notice what you’re thinking next time you cringe away from hugs.
There’s self-discovery available to you in that reaction.
Love you madly,
Lisa