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My sweet dog, Bailey, loves to go for neighborhood walks. And I joke that my heart rate tends to be lower than when I’m sitting at the computer working. Why?

She’s a sniffer.

Each blade of grass. The streetlights. And, of course, the universal dog message board – fire hydrants.

Sniff.

Sniff.

Sometimes I think, “GAH! This is so boring.” while other times I feel absolutely in zen delight that she’s enjoying her home planet her way.

In general or by default, where do you land on the spectrum of being patient with people, places, things and events?

Do you find it hard or easy to be patient…or “it depends”?

I used to be a little, shall we say, tightly wound. In a hurry.

I equated moving fast with thinking fast.

It was something that was modeled for me from a young age, that being in a hurry or moving fast was a sign of respect, hard work, and even intelligence.

In the past few years as I coach myself and others, I have enjoyed having Bailey be a different teacher.

I imagine our conversations:

“Urg, Bailey, why can’t we just walk and get some pep in our step. This is boring!”

“Moving fast is boring. This is better. Where are you in a hurry to go, anyway?”

Of course, I’m a coach and I know intellectually that no person, place or thing that cause me to feel impatient.

Impatience and patience are generated from within my own mind and body.

I cannot actually “be patient with” Bailey.

It more accurate to say I am learning the hardest job – to be patient with myself.

Sure, I might have a part of me that gets antsy and wants to walk briskly with purpose and high energy, dancing in the sun beams with my heart pounding joyfully! That part of me wants to go!

Bailey does not want to go that fast. And she’s older and prefers her pace.

Those walks are for both of us.

She exercises her sniffing.

I exercise being comfortable with my impatience.

If you are someone who can sometimes experience impatience, try the following recipe:

1. Notice the thoughts. Step back from them as if you are in the audience of a play where the character speaking is “The Impatient One.” What is that character saying? (Sometimes I find the humor quickly when I step back.)
2. Notice the feeling in your body. Do you feel a tightening or pressure? Where? Be a scientist and make mental notes describing neutrally the sensations you feel.
3. Decide if you want to keep impatience as an “inside job” or express it on the outside of you through words, movement or other behaviors.

Sometimes, i find that my impatience seems to be easier to live with just when I notice the storm of activity that’s being generated in my thoughts and feelings.

Frankly, I can’t think of any situations where expressing impatience improves the outcome.

Is being impatient a choice you want to make in your relationships?

Same with the relationship with yourself.

When you’re impatient, you’re reinforcing a pattern or even an identity that might not serve you any longer.

Impatience, like any other reaction, is nothing more than information.

It’s what you choose to do with that information that matters to you and others the most.
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with my podcast, “Less Stress, More Fun.” Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes are short (14-18 mins, on average), smart (lots of research) and fun (especially if you love 80s music).

Recently, I had a dream. Perhaps you could even label it a nightmare.

I felt FEAR in that dream.

Do you know the feeling of raw fear? Maybe you’ve had a threat to your physical body and felt the reaction of fear, the raw need to escape danger.

It’s a very real sensation.

This dream reminded me of the bodily feeling of fear, a feeling I have not experienced in waking life for several years (fortunately!).

That dream was a gift to me.

In coaching and in coaching circles – anything self-help, really – it’s quite vogue to talk about “fear of…”

“Fear of…” failure – or success! “Fear of…” being seen or rejected, of being alone or having our independence taken away.

“Fear of… too much or not enough.

So much talk about fear.

And I think it’s a term that’s inaccurate.

And it’s a poor term to describe what I believe is the core issue.

I work with a coach mentor and was working through the discontent that I had with this free-wheeling use of the term “fear” when my dream reminded me what true fear is – a strong bodily sense of Need To Escape. To preserve.

I have started to substitute the word “fear” in my everyday life.

And, when it’s appropriate, I offer this to my clients.

I believe the common modern use of fear is actually an unwillingness.

Fear of…is often a phrase that obscures a deeper thought:
“I am unwilling to…”

Fear of not having enough money is “I am uncomfortable with what might happen to me and mine if we had to change our lifestyle.”

Fear of too much work is “I am unwilling to draw boundaries because I am unwilling to invite negative consequences from the boss.”

Fear of rejection is “I am unwilling to face discomfort that someone else will not accept me, and I don’t trust myself to support myself while I face that emotion.”

Fear of being alone is “I am uncertain what life would be like when I have to spend more time in my own company.”

The use of “fear” in our culture usually points to:

• Uncertainty with what the future holds
• Discomfort with how we would support ourselves if a significant change arrived quickly
• Unwillingness to step boldly into uncertainty and discomfort with courage

But…

What if?

What if you believed in the core of every cell of your body that you would do your best to take care of yourself and the people you care about most no matter what?

What if you trusted yourself to face every event and circumstance, being willing to be bold enough to decide your next action in the moment?

This is the ultimate in self-trust.

The world is full of uncertainty and discomfort. When you add the pursuit of your dreams, well, those things become amplified.

Reflect on this in the coming weeks.

Observe how often you and those around you use the term “fear” when they mean something else.

My dream reminded me that I choose to see FEAR as a physical response to deadly threat.

I have decided to face my everyday decisions with courage, vulnerability, boldness and decisiveness.

When I tell my friends that I have become free from fear…

…That’s exactly what I mean. 
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with my podcast, “Less Stress, More Fun.” Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes are short (14-18 mins, on average), smart (lots of research) and fun (especially if you love 80s music).

My client was impatient.

With me.

With the situation.

With how hard it was and how long it was taking.

With the bleepity-bleepity Microsoft Excel that she believed she couldn’t master.

She asked me…

“How will I know if it’s worth it?”

Excellent question.

I’ve learned that the word “how” is an escape hatch sometimes.

It’s one way the brain offers an escape from the discomfort of change, or trying something new.

The only way to know “how” is to “do.”

Another variation of this escape hatch thinking is “This isn’t working!”

Yes, sure, sometimes you run an experiment and it’s not going in the direction you want to continue.

You decide it’s not working.

Sometimes saying “This isn’t working!” from utter frustration is code for:

• “This isn’t meeting my expectations.”
• “This is so much harder than I thought it would be when I dreamed about doing this.”
• “I feel uncomfortable and I prefer to feel comfortable.”

It’s not uncommon for frustration to be because we expected our change to be different than it is.

Yeah, great, Coach Lisa, now what?!

Well, when you are in frustration, perhaps even lashing out, mentally demanding relief NOW, here’s what you can do:

1. First, notice how you are talking to yourself about your frustration.
2. Ask if you are either comparing yourself to past versions of you or the expectation you had for how things should be going. This can sound like…”I knew that I couldn’t do this! I’ve NEVER been able to do this.” or “This is so, so much harder/longer/time-consuming/etc. This is not what I signed up for!”
3. Then, noticing all that…ask yourself if you want to terminate the experiment. Quit. Give up. Change direction. Notice your body’s reaction.

That’s where the decision point sits:

• Keep going and sign up for possible frustration no matter how you allow and manage your thinking.
• Quit and feel frustration about quitting or the next thing you try. 😂

Frustration is not an enemy.

It is not an emotion to be avoided. 

You could even decide to accept it as both a fact of life and as an indicator of a life well lived.

I freakin’ hate growing myself.

There! You heard it from me, a thrice certified coach.

I get so frustrated and annoyed sometimes and my most-practiced pattern is to avoid or escape the discomfort.

As a coach, have I been able to get rid of frustration?

Yes and no.

Yes in the sense that I see my frustration as an indicator and then release it more quickly.

No in the sense that emotions arise in me the same as anybody.

In fact, when I sign up to do something new, I plan for my temper tantrums including the “This isn’t worth it!” and “This isn’t working!” responses.

I literally will factor that in. 

I am working on a project that requires new software plus process. So…I’m planning extra time to learn and also doing some work early so that I can mentally clear the decks for the learning curve.

And… The surprising thing is that when I do this…I often minimize the frustration.

It’s like my mind says, “You can come if you want. I’m expecting you. Get cozy” and my rebellious frustration responds, “Well, shucks. That’s no fun. Nevermind!”

Try planning for and even inviting frustration the next time you try to make change in yourself, your family, or your community.

See what happens!
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with my podcast, “Less Stress, More Fun.” Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes are short (14-18 mins, on average), smart (lots of research) and fun (especially if you love 80s music).

Consider what your culture has taught you around:

• How you are supposed to serve at work
• How you are supposed to show up as a parent
• How you are supposed to be a relationship partner

Many of my clients start working with me to tame their stress.

And the reasons they give for their stress are “out there.”

Too many…things to do.

Not enough…time, money, sleep, self-care, good in the world, change.

There are so many “not enoughs.”

And…yet…

You are free and totally in control of what you say yes to.

Because…you could quit all of it, leave it burning behind you as you walk away like Keyser Soze.

(Any other fans of the movie “Usual Suspects”? I remember loving that movie!)

And if you’re not willing to walk away and let it burn, burn, burn…

Well…

It’s because you are saying yes to it.

The number one counterbalance to the sources of stress in your life is setting amazingly clear boundaries with yourself.

Recently, I was feeling annoyed with one of my teenage children.

I could recognize that the annoyance was from my own thinking, not what he had done (or in this case, not done). 

As my mind was playing “inner courtroom”, I paused long enough to ask myself this question:

Is there a boundary issue that I want to address?

I got curious where I had not set a boundary inside myself as it related to the situation.

And, yes, that was the true source of myself.

I had a clarity and decision gap.

After I filled that gap and set a boundary with myself, the stress evaporated. 

It’s easy to do this. 

Here’s the process:

1. Decide that you’ll take 110% responsibility for your emotional state. The world happens at you. Your reactions happen in you.
2. Decide what you are willing to do.
3. Decide what you are not willing to do.
4. Decide what you are going to do if another person does something, avoids doing something, etc.
5. Decide whether you are going to share your boundary with anyone else in advance.
6. Decide what you are going to do if someone crosses your boundary.

That’s it.

This is a broken down process to show the power of what I call “decisive decision making.”

The world will take as much as you have on offer. They don’t ask for “too much” – they just ask. It’s neutral.

The truest freedom is knowing that you have all the time you need and all the resources you need for what you have said “yes” to.

Have fun being liberated from stress!
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with my podcast, “Less Stress, More Fun.” Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes are short (14-18 mins, on average), smart (lots of research) and fun (especially if you love 80s music).