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You are a magician!

You can create feelings – any feelings – about anything!

You can create any feelings about any person…including your partner.

Are you a parent?

Do you love your children? Why?

This is something most people don’t question but…think about it. Where does the love come from?

Now imagine your favorite TV show or movie. Imagine a character that you love. Maybe there’s a character that you love to hate. 

My youngest son and I do not like the character of Ross in Friends. We have our reasons, primarily that we enjoy randomly banding together in a faux dislike of a faux person. We find it very meta and heee-larious to pretend to care about Ross enough to dislike him.

Thoughts: Ross is whiny. Ross plays synthesizer. Ross is “too” earnest. Ross does that shushing thing with the hand gesture and the “know-it-all” face. Feeling: Dislike

Thoughts: Ross is a supportive friend. Ross is committed to his kids. Ross loves deeply. Feeling: Like

Same character. Different experiences for the thinker. Zero impact on Ross’ “life.”

Notice the thoughts and feelings you have about your partner most frequently. 

Pay attention to how your brain goes on a treasure hunt for evidence to prove your thoughts true. 

Flip the feelings. What thoughts would create those feelings?

“She puts too much pressure on me to have sex.” = feeling “resistant” or “discouraged”

“She feels a strong need to connect with me through sex.” = feeling “curious” or “desired”

Same situation, different interpretation.

You can do that with your mind like MAGIC!

Alright, you can likely guess what I will suggest to you next because you have a magic mind.

Write down the 5-10 most common thoughts you have about your partner. 

List what each thought causes you to feel. 

These are the thoughts you are choosing today. 

Are you happy with this list? If not, brainstorm what you would like to change. 

This is part of the work I do with my clients each week. You cannot create your partner’s thoughts, feelings or actions. But you can learn to intentionally create and act on your own feelings. 

And the results? Pure magic.

Love you madly,

Lisa

P.S. Would you like to create a magical connection with your partner? My coaching program is more than a bag of tricks. Click here to sign up for a free session if you’re curious to learn more.

Listen, my dear friends…

Doing things for others in order to get love in return is creepy. 

And it’s normal. 

Socially condoned, even. 

Women are supposed to serve others. Men are bound by duty, too. 

Scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.
This is called “people pleasing.”

Does it always feel great to the person being pleased? Not always. Sometimes the person on the receiving end feels pressured to be delighted by all this pleasing. 

In fact, when someone does things because they think we want them to, it feels fake.

I think sometimes people think sex is part of this cycle. 

If you do X for me, I will do Y sex act for you. 

It’s such a common idea that we have jokes about it. What is March 14th? It’s the month after Valentine’s Day and the day a man is justly rewarded if he was a “good boy” for Valentine’s Day. 

Google it. I’ll wait. 

But reciprocity in relationships is not necessarily and not helpful. 

Stay with me because I’m tearing down a social rule. Like a rebel.

Imagine…

What would it be like if 100% of the choices and behaviors you made in your relationship were because you wanted to. Period. End of sentence. 

And, what would it be like if your partner – a grown adult – was allowed and encouraged to do 100% of what they wanted to. Because they wanted to. Period. End of sentence. 

That is a partnership of equals, of two people in their independent adulthoods, choosing from free will.

And.

It.

Feels.

Delicious.

This week, notice how often you say or do things expecting something in return. 

What would it be like to love without expectations?

Love you madly,

Lisa

P.S. Here’s a link to why I sign off the way I do, Cake’s song “Love You Madly” from 2001 and one of my super favorites.P.P.S. While you’re on YouTube, check out my new channel! I’ll be turning these letters into short videos each week so you can listen to coach wisdom on the go.

Do you ever want to be close to someone while subtly showing them the door?

Example: I was working with a client who kept telling her partner, “I know this isn’t what you signed up for…” and that sort of thing. 

She was surprised when I asked her, “Do you want him to leave? You’re giving so many signals that the exit is right over there…and you’ll help him pack!” 

We laughed, but I had a point. 

Sometimes we intend to signal “I want you to stick with me through this.”

Yet it might come across as “If you can’t hang, friend, there’s the door!”

It’s a dynamic I see all the time. It’s one I’ve lived with myself from time to time. 

“I want you – so please notice how I don’t need you.”

“I want you to stand with me as I work through improving myself – and I get why you wouldn’t or don’t want to.”

“I want you to stay – so here’s the door if you feel compelled to leave.”

In other words, “I’m scared you’ll leave, so I’m beating you to the punch.”

For some, that protection was developed very early in our lives. 

We are okay, independent, capable…until it gets up close and personal. 

Then it feels scary to be seen for what and who we are. 

If you’re in a low intimacy relationship, my guess is that there’s some version of this dance. 

Want to be close…

…scared to get closer…

…want to be connected…

…as long as no one gets hurt. 

It’s a losing game, my friends. 

Yes, you might feel more “safe” alone or even just not initiating touch or conversation. 

But think of the connection and growth you’ll miss out on when you protect yourself. 

What’s the upside to being vulnerable?

It depends on how you want to live this one wild and precious life.

Love you madly, 

Lisa

Gather around, my friends, it’s story time. 

Once upon a time, two people met each other. 

They liked each other and the relationship grew into something beautiful. 

They decided to say “yes” to each other. Maybe there was a state-sanctioned ceremony. Maybe not. 

They said “forever” to each other. 

Then things got weird. 

[record scratch]

Wait, what? PLOT TWIST!

People desperately want to be seen and feel connected in their relationship. 

Yet, at times, they are incredibly uncomfortable talking with their partner about certain topics like s-e-x.

Why would anything be off limits with your person? 

Are you afraid they might reject you? Get angry? Laugh?

The worst thing that can happen when you speak your truth is just a feeling. 

Now, you might be thinking, “But they could…” and there is some scary thing after “…”

Would your partner react badly?

Maybe.

But awkwardly avoiding certain topics with your person isn’t good for you, either.

Listen, I have been super awkward about intimacy in my relationships.

My trauma experiences and general lack of emotional maturity caused a lot of grief for my partner and me. 

I felt shame about certain topics like s-e-x. I didn’t want to talk about it with my partner. 

I avoided judgement because of my own self-judgment. 

I judged myself as “weird.”

So. I suffered.

You do not have to suffer being awkward in your closest relationship. No, nope, no way. I can help you. 

For starters, ask yourself this question:

What’s one thing that you’ve never told another person? Why do you think that you’ve kept this to yourself?

Love you madly,

Lisa

Spring is my favorite season, so I’m in heaven. I love spring breezes and warm sunshine.
Speaking of things that feel good…here’s something that doesn’t:
Hugs that make you cringe.
I hear over and over and over again thoughts like this:
“When he hugs me, I think, ‘Oh, he just wants sex.’”
“She cuddles up next to me and I cringe. I just want to watch TV.”
Isn’t it lovely when physical affection creeps you out? NOT!
Why do we let this happen in our romantic relationship?
Miscommunication?
We make assumptions.
We avoid speaking up.
We try to be “nice” or avoid hurting our partner’s feelings.
Which we can’t do. I promise you that.
You are not responsible for your partner’s feelings. They are, just as you are responsible for yours.
You are not a mind reader. Except for your own mind – you listen to that dialog all day.
What if a hug was just a hug?
You can hug or not. Saying yes to a hug is not consent to sex.
You can say yes or no to anything at any time.
Really. Will it have consequences for the relationship?
Perhaps. But so does cringing away from your partner.
Notice what you’re thinking next time you cringe away from hugs.
There’s self-discovery available to you in that reaction.
Love you madly,
Lisa

Spring is here, my friends! 

I hope you’re enjoying the weather wherever you are today.

This week’s topic is inspired by a conversation I had last week. 

Some people are really angry and disconnected physically in their relationships.

But the woman I was talking with is madly in love and disconnected physically in her relationship. 

She is very confused at how miserable she feels being in a “wonderful” relationship.

She thinks that everything is “great” except the sex. 

I wanted to see if we could turn thoughts (story) into facts (math). So I asked:

On a percentage scale, what % of your relationship would you classify as great, what % is just okay, and what % is bad?

Go ahead and ask yourself that question. Why did you choose those percentages? Which category did you rate your partnered sex – great, just okay, or bad?

It’s actually fairly common for my clients to say that 90% of the relationship is fine, 10% is bad because of the sexual connection.

Notice if that’s the case for you. 

Perhaps something that’s not that big of a deal percentage-wise has become a Really Big Deal in your mind.

Pay attention to how much you pay attention to what’s great, what’s okay, and what’s bad.

Our minds do tend to focus on the things we don’t like more than the things we find wonderful.

A few more questions to ponder:

What would you like to have in your relationship? 

Think about how you would set your percentage breakdowns across categories, if you could. (You can.)

What would it take to get there?

No matter where you rate your relationship, you can always choose to make adjustments. Just like Spring, there’s chance for renewal and growth.

Love you madly,

Lisa

P.S. Enrolling 1-on-1 clients for April! Click here to sign up for a free coaching session if you’re curious about working with me as your coach.

Imagine we were meeting for coffee or tea. In person. (I know! How fun!)

Would you say anything like this about your relationship?

“My relationship is okay for the most part. 

Companionable…

I want more connection, though. 

But… I really, really don’t want the uncomfortable conversations that might get us there.”

What is the most curious word in that set of thoughts?

It’s “uncomfortable.”

Why do we assume that bringing up a wish with the person we’re committed to will be uncomfortable?

Hmmmm, isn’t that interesting?

Somewhere along the way, some of us learned that having A Very Serious Conversation About Sex will be Very, Very Uncomfortable.

Why?

Because sex is supposed to be natural. Easy. You know, like all the other best things in life. Ha!

We often learn about relationships through observation instead of being taught. And we have expectations set by popular culture.

But life is not a musical. Real relationships are not a singing, dancing scene between passionate lovers.

It’s not supposed to be naturally easy, always spontaneous and passionate. 

Reestablishing a sexual connection can take effort, including working through emotionally connecting.

Learning to have these kinds of conversations takes skill. The conversation itself needn’t be uncomfortable.

Asking for what you want starts with really, truly knowing and feeling comfortable with what you want in the first place.

This week, if you find yourself thinking, “I wish we were more connected!” imagine…

…that your words spoke it into being. 

What would “more connected” look like to you? How would you be thinking about your partner? How would you be thinking about you?

To practice this, take 5-10 minutes to close your eyes, breathe deeply, and imagine you and your partner having a conversation about your relationship. Does your mind like what it imagines, or does it list a bunch of complaints about what could go wrong? This mental exercise can reveal the work you can do on you before talking with your partner.