Lisa Schwaller Coaching

Sexless Relationship Coach

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Hugs that are Cringe Worthy

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Spring is my favorite season, so I’m in heaven. I love spring breezes and warm sunshine.
Speaking of things that feel good…here’s something that doesn’t:
Hugs that make you cringe.
I hear over and over and over again thoughts like this:
“When he hugs me, I think, ‘Oh, he just wants sex.’”
“She cuddles up next to me and I cringe. I just want to watch TV.”
Isn’t it lovely when physical affection creeps you out? NOT!
Why do we let this happen in our romantic relationship?
Miscommunication?
We make assumptions.
We avoid speaking up.
We try to be “nice” or avoid hurting our partner’s feelings.
Which we can’t do. I promise you that.
You are not responsible for your partner’s feelings. They are, just as you are responsible for yours.
You are not a mind reader. Except for your own mind – you listen to that dialog all day.
What if a hug was just a hug?
You can hug or not. Saying yes to a hug is not consent to sex.
You can say yes or no to anything at any time.
Really. Will it have consequences for the relationship?
Perhaps. But so does cringing away from your partner.
Notice what you’re thinking next time you cringe away from hugs.
There’s self-discovery available to you in that reaction.
Love you madly,
Lisa

person in brown long sleeve shirt covering face with hand
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Archive the Past

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I had an old belief “wiggle” free and I’m as excited as a little kid losing a tooth. 

Here’s the news flash: The past is over. It only lives on when you replay it in your mind. 

Sure, other people in your life might have a story about the past, too.

But unless you call it up into your present awareness…it literally does not exist.

I have known this truth on a cognitive/intellectual level. 

Yet it’s been subtle how much my stories about the past were affecting my decisions and actions.

Patterns from the past can definitely come up in our closest relationships. 

In fact, the past is a big part of why my previous relationships have gone cold. 

My personal history came into the bedroom, so to speak. 

All the perceived hurts and wrongs from “before” came in, too.

All of my inability to forgive myself for my missteps. 

My partner was put in a no-win situation. Me, too. 

And…guess what? New partner, same pattern. 

I repeated my past. Repeatedly.

Recently I let go of a profound sense of regret. This regret was subtle, deeply hidden in my mind. 

I didn’t realize how much this regret over my past was impacting how I thought, felt, and acted. 

It feels like a huge weight has lifted. I feel an amazing sense of possibility. It’s also uncomfortable without my trusty ol’ pattern operating on auto-pilot. 

But! I am very willing to be uncomfortable in pursuit of my own freedom and growth. 

Can you imagine letting go of the past in your relationship? I mean, really, truly dropping it for once and for all?

What would that be like?

P.S. If letting go of the past sounds good to you, I can help! Click here to sign up for a free session if you’re curious about the coaching process.

Love Math!

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Spring is here, my friends! 

I hope you’re enjoying the weather wherever you are today.

This week’s topic is inspired by a conversation I had last week. 

Some people are really angry and disconnected physically in their relationships.

But the woman I was talking with is madly in love and disconnected physically in her relationship. 

She is very confused at how miserable she feels being in a “wonderful” relationship.

She thinks that everything is “great” except the sex. 

I wanted to see if we could turn thoughts (story) into facts (math). So I asked:

On a percentage scale, what % of your relationship would you classify as great, what % is just okay, and what % is bad?

Go ahead and ask yourself that question. Why did you choose those percentages? Which category did you rate your partnered sex – great, just okay, or bad?

It’s actually fairly common for my clients to say that 90% of the relationship is fine, 10% is bad because of the sexual connection.

Notice if that’s the case for you. 

Perhaps something that’s not that big of a deal percentage-wise has become a Really Big Deal in your mind.

Pay attention to how much you pay attention to what’s great, what’s okay, and what’s bad.

Our minds do tend to focus on the things we don’t like more than the things we find wonderful.

A few more questions to ponder:

What would you like to have in your relationship? 

Think about how you would set your percentage breakdowns across categories, if you could. (You can.)

What would it take to get there?

No matter where you rate your relationship, you can always choose to make adjustments. Just like Spring, there’s chance for renewal and growth.

Love you madly,

Lisa

P.S. Enrolling 1-on-1 clients for April! Click here to sign up for a free coaching session if you’re curious about working with me as your coach.

Getting Comfortable with Conversations

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Imagine we were meeting for coffee or tea. In person. (I know! How fun!)

Would you say anything like this about your relationship?

“My relationship is okay for the most part. 

Companionable…

I want more connection, though. 

But… I really, really don’t want the uncomfortable conversations that might get us there.”

What is the most curious word in that set of thoughts?

It’s “uncomfortable.”

Why do we assume that bringing up a wish with the person we’re committed to will be uncomfortable?

Hmmmm, isn’t that interesting?

Somewhere along the way, some of us learned that having A Very Serious Conversation About Sex will be Very, Very Uncomfortable.

Why?

Because sex is supposed to be natural. Easy. You know, like all the other best things in life. Ha!

We often learn about relationships through observation instead of being taught. And we have expectations set by popular culture.

But life is not a musical. Real relationships are not a singing, dancing scene between passionate lovers.

It’s not supposed to be naturally easy, always spontaneous and passionate. 

Reestablishing a sexual connection can take effort, including working through emotionally connecting.

Learning to have these kinds of conversations takes skill. The conversation itself needn’t be uncomfortable.

Asking for what you want starts with really, truly knowing and feeling comfortable with what you want in the first place.

This week, if you find yourself thinking, “I wish we were more connected!” imagine…

…that your words spoke it into being. 

What would “more connected” look like to you? How would you be thinking about your partner? How would you be thinking about you?

To practice this, take 5-10 minutes to close your eyes, breathe deeply, and imagine you and your partner having a conversation about your relationship. Does your mind like what it imagines, or does it list a bunch of complaints about what could go wrong? This mental exercise can reveal the work you can do on you before talking with your partner.

Looking for Sprouts of Connection

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green plant sprouting at daytime
Photo by Roman Synkevych on Unsplash

Hello, beautiful you,

I had a curious conversation this week. The woman I was speaking to had a dream life. Very shiny. Successful in all the obvious ways.

And she is miserable. Exhausted. Not seeing the beautiful aspects that she’d created at all. 

When you’re in a low intimacy relationship, it seems like a problem that eclipses your entire relationship. 

That is not to say that you shouldn’t strive for improvements. Pursue any dream you desire, absolutely!

And I’m certainly not going to advise putting on a happy face or saying a few affirmations. I don’t believe it’s healthy to force gratitude because of thinking like, “Hey, things could be worse!” Please don’t diminish your feelings like that.

And yet, we can learn from someone who has “it all” and feels like life is a chore.

Where we focus our attention and energy is a choice.

Yes, you may have aspects of your relationship that you want to change. 

And…maybe there are aspects that you love and appreciate but don’t see anymore because it seems easier to notice what your relationship lacks. 

This week, notice beautiful things about your relationship. 

Nothing to see? Look again. Look closely. 

Look for sprouts of connection that could grow into more intimacy. 

Sometimes creating big change starts with the willingness to make small changes in what we pay attention to in a relationship. 

Love you madly,

Lisa

P.S. Turn this into a mini-project! At the end of the day, write down 3 observations you made about your relationship. Note whether they are “positive” or “negative.” Remember that nothing is “positive” or “negative” until we label it that way…so ask yourself with loving curiosity why you chose as you did. Enjoy!

P.P.S. I have 1-on-1 coaching spots open!! Sign up for a consult if you want to learn how to build intimacy in your relationship.

Passion! Overrated?

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Valentine’s Day is behind us!

Did you have a lovely, romantic weekend? 

Passion, heat, lots of meaningful eye contact??? Wiggling eyebrows so playfully full of promise?

Er, nope?

Last week, I told you how much I enjoy Valentine’s Day. 

How I was going to be creating romantic feelings for my own enjoyment.

And, now I’m here to tell you that sometimes I think that passion is overrated. 

(“What is with this coach? She’s a little nutty!”)

I work with people in every stage of a relationship, from the blush of new love to partnerships that are decades long, each of them questioning the quality and quantity of their intimacy.

It’s not uncommon to hear things like…

“It just felt like there used to be more passion.” or

“I feel like there never was a lot of passion. That was a red flag.” or

“I guess passion goes away when you’re together a long time? Maybe this is normal.”

As if passion indicates a preferred state, at least some of the time. 

Why? 

I think this is another embedding of the cultural brainwashing about what constitutes a “happy” relationship. 

Passion sells movies. Passion gets people tuned in for Netflix and chill. 

And, for some people, passion becomes yet another standard against which we or our relationship can never measure up.

Can you have connection and intimacy without passion?

That’s kind of like asking if you can have a rewarding exercise habit without feeling motivation from time to time. 

The short answer is: yes.

Because intimacy is a decision. 

It’s something you create, not something that happens in or around you. 🙂 

Is passion a necessary ingredient to a satisfying, mature relationship?

Maybe. And maybe not. 

It’s entirely up to you. 

This week, explore how you feel about the concept of “passion”. How do you define it? Do you think it’s desirable, neutral, or unnecessary?

And, most important question of all…why do you have those beliefs?

Love you madly,

Lisa

P.S. I’m planning another class for March. Do you have topics that you’d like to see me teach? Drop me a line!

P.P.S. I have 1-on-1 coaching spots open!! Sign up for a consult if you’re thinking now is the time for learning how to create more intimacy in your relationship, physical or otherwise. 

How do you feel about Valentine’s Day?

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Here in the US, Valentine’s Day is Sunday the 14th. 

The men and women I work with have different thoughts about Valentine’s Day. 

Some love it. 

Some dread it. 

A lot of them think it’s a fake holiday, silly and a “waste.”

And many secretly wish they were in the first blush of love where “silly” gestures were still exchanged and, yes, expected.

How about you?

I have traveled this journey, the ups and downs of this silly, made up holiday. 

I remember being a nerdy teen girl hoping I’d get flowers delivered to school. 

Then a young married woman delighted by the gesture of flowers sent to work.

The divorced single mom who felt longing that I didn’t have a partner to recognize the day with me.

The empowered single woman celebrating Galentine’s Day and raising my middle finger in defiance against this holiday.

And just about everything in between.

Over time, I’ve learned that love is created in my heart/mind.

Because I create it, I get to manufacture feelings of love for anyone, anytime, for any reason. 

Truth is, I kind of love Valentine’s Day in all its glittery, manufactured glory.

Is it a cheesy holiday? Maybe. 

Is it a waste of time, money, effort?

Not at all. 

Not for me. 

Because when I feel romantic, it makes me feel good. 

And connecting with how I feel is the best way I can show up for my partner, anyway. 

This week’s message is short ‘n’ sweet. 

Just like each Valentine’s Day, here and gone before you know it. 

I plan to feel romantic all week long because it makes me feel awesome. 

And if someone else benefits in the process, well…

…that’s win-win!

Love you madly,

Lisa

Good of the Hive

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Amazing!

One of my buddies posted a photo of this mural from his visit to a brewery in North Carolina.

I went to search Google images and instead found a TREASURE of a story! Thank you, Universe! 🐝🦋🐞

With a few Google clicks, I learned that this mural is part of a global mission to raise awareness of honeybees and the interconnectedness of life.

I LOVE THIS. 💜💕

I love honeybees and what they do to make our world richly abundant and beautiful.

I love this team of people using their one wild and precious human life to do something REAL.

I feel deeply connected through a web of friendship and art.

This is definitely what a friend of mine would call a “divine breadcrumb”.

Please go read about the artist and the work. His mission is to cover our planet with 50,000 hand painted honeybees.

https://www.thegoodofthehive.com/

#TheGoodoftheHive

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