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Is your family perfect?

Mine is, but not in an annoying way, not in a “we’re better than you” kind of way.

We are people who love ourselves and each other, and that’s enough.

We let each other be who we are, and that’s a gift some families don’t enjoy.

I spent many, many years wishing my family was different.

I wish the father figure would do this or that. Same with the mother unit.

I lived in perennial disappointment that my family wasn’t “normal.”

By association, I didn’t feel normal, either.

I used to joke that we put the “fun” in dysfunctional.

Then I let go of that story.

It wasn’t serving me, to use coach-y language.

Instead I decided to forgive the bygones.

The person I needed to forgive the most was me.

So, I did.

And when I got over the habit of ruminating on my grievances, I discovered something.

I was fine.

They were fine, too.

I could see how each individual simply made choices back there in “The Past.”

I didn’t even need to justify any of our actions with the phrase “we did the best we could.”

Because sometimes we didn’t.

And that’s okay, too.

It’s gone, the past, except the fragmented and unreliable memories I exhume when I lose my north star.

Sometimes I have the thought that today’s drama prompts exploration into who did what to whom and when.

As if digging up old stories from the past would help today. (Psst. It won’t.)

You know what else?

Letting go of the past means that I can let go of the future, too.

I stopped making choices wondering how someone else would unpack the memory in future years.

I stopped deciding today to say “yes” or “no” to an action or behavior because “I might regret it someday.”

I might.

But regret is optional, not guaranteed.

And not real, anyway. 

What is regret but a thought or a feeling? It’s not a real thing.

The minutes with my family are limited.

Because the clock is counting down for each of us.

When I don’t wish for people to be different…

Well…we all seem perfect.

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Do you tend to overdo “it” at the holidays?

Maybe you over-eat, over-drink, over-spend, over-scroll, over-compare, over-perfectionist. (Kind of funny, that last one…)

Do you have hangovers? Extra weight, headaches, big credit card bills or unmet expectations about how everyone was supposed to be happy and appreciate everything you do for them, dammit!

I don’t think New Year’s Resolutions would hold as much charm for us if we weren’t doing penance for our end of year holiday choices.

Let’s dig into this situation with an important caveat first.

You are the owner and operator of your mind and body.

You get to decide what to put in and on your body.

You get to decide how to manage your finances.

You get to choose who and what you say “yes” and “no” to socially and otherwise.

You know what is best for you and, well, you do you, boo.

In fact, say this out loud to yourself before we get started: I am responsible for myself and I can choose what’s right for me.

Now, your first assignment is to learn why you overdo it during the holidays, if that’s something you want to work on.

Write down all of the thoughts that you use to give yourself permission to overindulge.

Seriously, let your mind empty out. Do not edit yourself.

This is a series of thoughts in your head, nothing more and nothing less.

Next, look at what you wrote down. What do you think of those reasons? What are your opinions about what your mind offered up for consideration?

This is the chance for your inner “editor” or “critic” or “mean bully” to share everything she or he thinks about your reasons. Most of us have a critic/judge, victim, or explainer hanging out up there in our brains.

Write down what they have to say about your reasons, especially everything you “should” and “should not” be doing.

Pause.

What do you observe?

Are you enjoying this time with the voices in your head?

It can boggle the mind that the human mind can have so many different opinions. It’s amazing, fascinating, curious, and sometimes frustrating, isn’t it?

Let us proceed…

Now comes the reckoning.

List out all the ways that you think and feel after the party’s over.

You overdid it.

What does overdoing it “cost” you?

So, I coach dozens of people each week, and it never ceases to amaze me how our brains operate.

In most cases, without active management, our brains think this:

“Today, we stay comfortable, have fun, and avoid danger. Carpe diem! Tomorrow we will be disciplined, organized, svelte, efficient, and perfect. But today? Not today!”

Our brains tend to believe that tomorrow we will have it together, while today we are barely getting through our to-do list.

Pace yourself as you go through this process. Take time to really see the full lifecycle of indulging too much.

The final questions for your exploration are below.

Again – no rush or pressure. Work through all of this at your own pace.

You do you, boo.

Journal using the following as prompts:

• What would you want instead?
• Instead of 100% compliance with “perfect you,” would you be delighted if you only indulged half as much as you used to? What about 20% less overdoing it?
• Would that still be an improvement? (Yes, even a 3% improvement is an improvement!)
• With that in mind, reflect on what you’d like to create this holiday season.
• What decisions can you make today about how you’ll live through the rest of the year?
• What’s the most loving thing you can do for your body, bank balance, and relationships this year?

Enjoy seeing whether this awareness leads to new decisions over the next few weeks.

P.S. Please click here to sign up for my free video + PDF “3 Ways to Reduce Stress TODAY!”

We have access to the wealth of human knowledge in a device that can fit in our jeans back pocket.

There’s more known about the human brain from multiple vectors, from neurology to psychology to nutrition.

Many people have access to amazing resources to help us be healthier. Smarter. Richer.

We have 1,000+ ways to be “better.”

Take meditation by way of specific example.

Most people I interact with have heard of meditation, know of the reported benefits, and many would agree that it’s “good” for people to meditate.

So much so that there is to-do list pressure around finding time to meditate for all the juicy benefits.

That conversation fired up my mind.

With all the helpful ways we can support our personal growth…

Are people getting “better”?

Couples therapy has long been a standard practice for struggling relationships.

Does therapy make relationships better?

My own industry, coaching, makes claims that life is better when you work with a coach.

People want to do “better” with their children than their parents did with them.

Managers want to be “better” than the people who managed them in the past.

People want to date people who are “better” for them than the last partner.

What does “better” even mean?

As I write this, the world is downshifting into the season of holidays and festivals.

The world is moving more into a time of now.

This is a good time to reflect on what “better” means for you, and whether you’d like to make changes  in your life.

And I wonder whether this could be a season of seeing others for the better, on purpose.

Actively seeking the ways the people in your life are “better” as you might define that concept.

Can you recognize someone in your life for being more present.

More intelligent from the year’s experiences.

More confident from the rebounds.

Better equipped for their relationships.

How can you go into your holiday festivals looking for changes others have cultivated in themselves?

And can you declare those changes “beautiful”…perhaps even seeing them and their lives as “better”?

Your assignment is to turn this into a fun game.

Imagine that you think “Wow, they are really growing!” each time you enter a conversation this week.

What would happen for you when you assume everyone is getting “better”?

It’s possible that you might start to feel like your holidays are even better than you imagined, too.

P.S. Please click here to sign up for my free video + PDF “3 Ways to Reduce Stress TODAY!”

Do you think you are a good listener?

How about listening to yourself?

Recently I went out of town with my family.

Out of town…like “walk to the top of the hill to get cell reception” and “ain’t nothin’ but miles of cows” out of town. Remote.

It was blissful to unplug that way.

I remember walking up to the top of the hill without a cell phone. My cell was mostly tucked in my bag, largely ignored, so there are few photos of the stunning sunsets.

I didn’t log into anything for days.

Instead, I tuned into the relationships that mean the most to me.

I put myself in “listening mode.”

I sat on the covered porch each morning with my dog, my coffee, and the sound of cows.

My deepest wisdom has been pointing me in a new direction for several months, and I’m listening.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve shared my thoughts with people that I trust, and I really listened to the words I was saying, and what my advisors had to say in return.

Deep, deep listening.

It’s a tough skill to practice.

Here’s your homework this week:

Listen to yourself and others like they’re about to tell you something amazing. Life changing even.

Lean in. Perk up. Be there with everything but that mind that thinks constantly.

Mind off. Heart open.

Listen…

Notice how often that mind of yours wants to chime in with its 2 cents.

And then watch this space for changes that are arising from my deep listening.

Love you madly,

Lisa

Hello, lovely you,

I like to play the imagination game. 

We used to do this naturally as children.

I play the imagination game a lot in my life – it’s fun and it opens up my mind to possibilities.

So, lovely you, the one who wants more intimacy in your relationship…

Imagine having sex…

5 times a week. 10 times a week. 15 times a week. 

What did your mind say to you at each suggestion?

Was it like “cool”…then “um, what now?”…then “that’s just ludicrous.”

That’s what most of my clients say when I pose this thought experiment. 

Now let’s go in reverse. Imagine having sex…

Once a month. Once a year. Never again.

Listen to your mind’s response. 

Isn’t that amazing? We played make believe and your brain had thoughts about it!

The number of times a couple has sex together is just a number. Neutral. 

It means nothing about the relationship itself or even the couple’s shared level of desire.

Read that again. 

The actual sex has nothing to do with each partner’s desire or the longevity of a relationship. 

Pick a number that would be your sex goal. 

How many times a week or month would you like to have sex with your partner?

Then double it. 

Double it again!

Write down ALL the thoughts and feelings that come up when you imagine all that sex. 

What would change in your relationship, do you think?

Most importantly, would this change how you think about yourself?

Why?

Love you madly,

Lisa

P.S. If this makes your mind feel kind of melty and bendy, let’s talk. I help people break open beliefs about what’s possible for their sexual relationship. Like Neo dodging bullets in the Matrix! Book a consult with me today. Open your mind.

Today I bring you an opportunity. 

What if you decided to remember only the good stuff?

I’ve done a lot of work with my past stories. 

I used to drag my past around like so much heavy luggage, trying to analyze what went wrong and why.

My past was my favorite bag of excuses, to be completely honest.

But it doesn’t serve me to carry around stories from the past. 

Today’s opportunity is that the same is likely true for you.

What’s in the past is gone. 

At least until someone remembers it.

I choose to live here – in the now – for my future. 

The future I create with today’s choices. 

Same thing for my relationship. 

I can’t unsay the words or undo actions. 

Neither can my partner. 

Of course, I want to learn the lessons.

And yet I have decided to take it a step further.

After I learn the lessons, I selectively save the past. 

And, when I do care to revisit the past, I’m going to choose to remember the good things. 

When we have a memory, we’re literally creating it in real time. (Look up new science on memory – fascinating!)

If I’m going to use my mind to create something in my present, I’d rather choose that it be a good thing. 

I will choose to remember the encouraging words. The fun experiences. 

When I look back on the past in my relationships, I actively seek the best. 

What would it be like if you and your partner talked about the old days fondly?

What if you remembered the best memories first because you practiced remembering only the good stuff?

This week, experiment with writing 3-5 of your relationship memories expecting to see the good.

Notice if this does anything to influence how you feel about your partner in the present moment. 

When you remember only the good, does that cause you to create more useful thoughts in the present?

Have fun with this. 

Love you madly,

Lisa

You are a magician!

You can create feelings – any feelings – about anything!

You can create any feelings about any person…including your partner.

Are you a parent?

Do you love your children? Why?

This is something most people don’t question but…think about it. Where does the love come from?

Now imagine your favorite TV show or movie. Imagine a character that you love. Maybe there’s a character that you love to hate. 

My youngest son and I do not like the character of Ross in Friends. We have our reasons, primarily that we enjoy randomly banding together in a faux dislike of a faux person. We find it very meta and heee-larious to pretend to care about Ross enough to dislike him.

Thoughts: Ross is whiny. Ross plays synthesizer. Ross is “too” earnest. Ross does that shushing thing with the hand gesture and the “know-it-all” face. Feeling: Dislike

Thoughts: Ross is a supportive friend. Ross is committed to his kids. Ross loves deeply. Feeling: Like

Same character. Different experiences for the thinker. Zero impact on Ross’ “life.”

Notice the thoughts and feelings you have about your partner most frequently. 

Pay attention to how your brain goes on a treasure hunt for evidence to prove your thoughts true. 

Flip the feelings. What thoughts would create those feelings?

“She puts too much pressure on me to have sex.” = feeling “resistant” or “discouraged”

“She feels a strong need to connect with me through sex.” = feeling “curious” or “desired”

Same situation, different interpretation.

You can do that with your mind like MAGIC!

Alright, you can likely guess what I will suggest to you next because you have a magic mind.

Write down the 5-10 most common thoughts you have about your partner. 

List what each thought causes you to feel. 

These are the thoughts you are choosing today. 

Are you happy with this list? If not, brainstorm what you would like to change. 

This is part of the work I do with my clients each week. You cannot create your partner’s thoughts, feelings or actions. But you can learn to intentionally create and act on your own feelings. 

And the results? Pure magic.

Love you madly,

Lisa

P.S. Would you like to create a magical connection with your partner? My coaching program is more than a bag of tricks. Click here to sign up for a free session if you’re curious to learn more.

Listen, my dear friends…

Doing things for others in order to get love in return is creepy. 

And it’s normal. 

Socially condoned, even. 

Women are supposed to serve others. Men are bound by duty, too. 

Scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.
This is called “people pleasing.”

Does it always feel great to the person being pleased? Not always. Sometimes the person on the receiving end feels pressured to be delighted by all this pleasing. 

In fact, when someone does things because they think we want them to, it feels fake.

I think sometimes people think sex is part of this cycle. 

If you do X for me, I will do Y sex act for you. 

It’s such a common idea that we have jokes about it. What is March 14th? It’s the month after Valentine’s Day and the day a man is justly rewarded if he was a “good boy” for Valentine’s Day. 

Google it. I’ll wait. 

But reciprocity in relationships is not necessarily and not helpful. 

Stay with me because I’m tearing down a social rule. Like a rebel.

Imagine…

What would it be like if 100% of the choices and behaviors you made in your relationship were because you wanted to. Period. End of sentence. 

And, what would it be like if your partner – a grown adult – was allowed and encouraged to do 100% of what they wanted to. Because they wanted to. Period. End of sentence. 

That is a partnership of equals, of two people in their independent adulthoods, choosing from free will.

And.

It.

Feels.

Delicious.

This week, notice how often you say or do things expecting something in return. 

What would it be like to love without expectations?

Love you madly,

Lisa

P.S. Here’s a link to why I sign off the way I do, Cake’s song “Love You Madly” from 2001 and one of my super favorites.P.P.S. While you’re on YouTube, check out my new channel! I’ll be turning these letters into short videos each week so you can listen to coach wisdom on the go.