“Darling, you are so beautiful.”
Yes, you might think so.
“It’s so good to have you on our team!”
Yes, you might think so.
“I really appreciate you!”
Yes, you might think so.
And that’s lovely…for them. Doesn’t it feel good to deliver a compliment?
One of the unexpected side effects of feeling emotionally self-sustaining is that my ability to take a compliment has changed.
I enjoy them but in the same way I enjoy seeing a bright blue sky or hearing a birdsong – lovely but not personal.
Compliments are lovely but they don’t fuel my self-concept at all anymore.
This is one of the greatest gifts of coaching for me since I used to go fishing for feedback constantly.
I was disappointed if I didn’t receive an “atta girl!” from a colleague or my boss. I took my annual work performance review personally, as a list of action items I must implement to be more worthy and competitive. (When, really, it’s just 1 person’s opinion in most companies…)
I was sad when my partner didn’t notice when I put in extra effort to my appearance.
(As if my partner’s ability or willingness to observe then speak words about his observation mattered at all about how loveable I am as a person.)
Getting good feedback would have me floating on clouds of joy. I used to incorporate that feedback into my self-concept as proof of my “goodness.”
Negative feedback (or feedback that I coded as “negative”) would have me venting to friends, miffed, delivering the silent treatment or feeling desperate to get back into someone’s “good graces.” I used to incorporate that feedback into my self-concept as proof of my utter failure to be where I expected myself to be.
Riding that roller coaster made me miserable.
Now I can see compliments and complaints for what they are…
Simply one person’s opinions at a certain point in time.
That’s it.
Neurons fired in such a way that their words float into my perception.
I get to make it mean ANYTHING or NOTHING that I want.
So, what’s changed?
Well, I feel like I’m more likely to GIVE compliments because I love when I feel love for another person and it’s fun to send that out into the world.
I’m more likely to see compliments and complaints as information. I look for the lesson and then let it go.
Feedback really is a gift. It’s only a gift. It can be accepted or rejected or ignored.
But…please don’t make one person’s opinion of you at a certain point in time comprise your personality.
You’re the artist of your personality.
Which means that what you think about you is truly, cognitively, practically everything.
Enjoy the journey to emotional self-reliance. It’s truly magical.
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