Listen, my dear friends…
Doing things for others in order to get love in return is creepy.
And it’s normal.
Socially condoned, even.
Women are supposed to serve others. Men are bound by duty, too.
Scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.
This is called “people pleasing.”
Does it always feel great to the person being pleased? Not always. Sometimes the person on the receiving end feels pressured to be delighted by all this pleasing.
In fact, when someone does things because they think we want them to, it feels fake.
I think sometimes people think sex is part of this cycle.
If you do X for me, I will do Y sex act for you.
It’s such a common idea that we have jokes about it. What is March 14th? It’s the month after Valentine’s Day and the day a man is justly rewarded if he was a “good boy” for Valentine’s Day.
Google it. I’ll wait.
But reciprocity in relationships is not necessarily and not helpful.
Stay with me because I’m tearing down a social rule. Like a rebel.
What would it be like if 100% of the choices and behaviors you made in your relationship were because you wanted to. Period. End of sentence.
And, what would it be like if your partner – a grown adult – was allowed and encouraged to do 100% of what they wanted to. Because they wanted to. Period. End of sentence.
That is a partnership of equals, of two people in their independent adulthoods, choosing from free will.
This week, notice how often you say or do things expecting something in return.
What would it be like to love without expectations?
Love you madly,
P.S. Here’s a link to why I sign off the way I do, Cake’s song “Love You Madly” from 2001 and one of my super favorites.P.P.S. While you’re on YouTube, check out my new channel! I’ll be turning these letters into short videos each week so you can listen to coach wisdom on the go.