feelings

Random Thoughts on “Empty” and “Full” | Habits

October 30, 2023 by Lisa Schwaller

When is enough…enough?

I noticed something somewhat unusual recently.

I like empty rooms and calendars.

I like the sensations of a full belly and gas tank.

This came up when I was planning a short water fast. I’ve done them before and I liked the results.

But this time, I had so much resistance and I found I wasn’t sticking to my plan.

Around the same time, I noticed a lot of anxiety during the work day when the calendar is either too full or too empty.

How curious!

It’s like I have a set point of comfort in these situations.

I put my master coach hat on and started to look for patterns.

There are places in my life where I crave the sensation of “empty.” It’s spacious and calming and freeing.

There are places in my life where I avoid “empty.” It’s unusual and ominous. (I even did a podcast episode about “too quiet”!)

One of the best things that has happened in my coach journey is learning that our minds don’t need to subscribe to what we label “being logical.” My mind and body can and will have sensations that are utterly ridiculous.

I love this. And it’s usually an opportunity to learn something about how my mind works.

When I understand how my mind works, I can see the logical fallacies and work on choosing something else. Easy!

I started to become a detective of where in my life I prefer “empty” and where in my life I prefer “full.”

What does it mean when I stand in an empty room? Why does a full belly have a connection to my sense of being safe?

Why does exploring this topic even matter??

Ultimately, I saw that a lot of my habits were a quest for a sense of security.

Empty to-do list? I’m good, valuable, and productive – safe!

Empty work calendar? I’m not valuable enough – unsafe!

Full belly but having an extra serving anyway? I don’t know when it might run out, so have it now – safe!

Full calendar of after work events? I will be stressed and feel like I can’t control my time – unsafe!

Now…again…these are not necessarily logical conclusions my mind is making.

Seeing how my mind is reacting helps me understand that the fast schedule I want to adopt isn’t about saying no to breakfast. Instead, it’s about what experiences have historically created a sense of safety for myself.

And minds will fight to keep us safe according to their pre-programmed paradigms.

I didn’t have to do anything. I just noticed. Asked questions. Treated myself like the most fascinating interview subject and I was the lucky journalist to get the exclusive interview.

And I softened into the safety of the lovingly curious relationship with myself.

Most of us try to change habits through doing, doing, doing!

But what if true habit change is easier, more fun, and effortless when the primary action is listening to why we’re having the reactions we’re having in the first place.

I’m seeing “empty” and “full” as triggers for my habit reactions everywhere in my life now.

Empty vs. full around eating and drinking, working and playing, socializing and being alone.

This is great news because I see it as an indicator that maybe there’s something else going on.

What about you?

What are your habit responses to “empty” and “full” in your life and what can you learn about how this affects your habits?

P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

people sitting on bench near building during nighttime — Photo by Ahmer Kalam on Unsplash

Being Ordinary | Perspectives

October 23, 2023 by Lisa Schwaller

As a young person, I probably wanted to be exceptional.

In truth, I probably wanted to be exceptional but withdrew from the visibility that comes with being “in front” as a leader.

My upbringing contributed to me having a lot of emotional challenges. I was textbook anxious attachment style.

I have enough stored and repressed rage to fuel quite a massive machine.

It was hard for me to stand up and lead when I was spending most of my available non-working energy managing my trauma brain.

Turning 51 was a bigger mind shift for me than turning 50. When I celebrated 50, I felt sassy and ready for the next decade. At 51? I started to realize that, in the wise words of Marc Maron…”I don’t know how much time I have left.”

I probably don’t have much time left to become exceptional.

Yet I’ve started to appreciate how my normal, quiet life is quite right for me.

It’s quite a delight to live an ordinary life. I get groceries and do laundry.

I frickin’ love to do laundry. I hang everything but towels up to dry by hand. Every single time I do that, I think of my grandmother and her grandmother and all the ordinary women in my past that just did the damn laundry and hung it to dry. Lather, rinse, repeat, literally.

Yep, I’m ordinary like my elders before me.

I live in a normal place doing normal work and even the way I’m quirky is kinda normal.

But ordinary doesn’t mean boring. Or empty.

Oh, no, my ordinary life is not empty.

The love of my life at the moment is my older dog, Bailey. We have ordinary routines every day that make life worth living, really and truly.

I used to strive and crave and push and…ugh. All of that.

All of that wondering if I was doing enough. If I was optimized.

Living my BEST life. Not a good life. My BEST life.

The pressure to maximize my life often caused me to miss the perfectly sufficient, ordinary life I had created despite all that striving.

The striving to want-to-want-to be exceptional actually reinforced the “not good enough-ness” of my life.

Generating pressure to want to be more took the brightness and color from the life that was more than good enough, even if merely ordinary.

I will never be famous for, well, anything. I am unlikely to be a thought leader in my “industry,” in no small part because I enjoy playing in multiple industries, sometimes at once. Plus I don’t give that much of a [bleep] – that’s not my journey.

I’m ordinary and I’m starting to realize what a beautiful experience “ordinary” is.

What about you?

Do you strive to be something other than ordinary?

No judgment there. Go for an exceptional life, if that’s what you crave.

That said, it can hurt to check in, to ask whether your cravings for an exceptional life are taking you away from more fully experiencing your life today.

I told my son today, “Don’t do anything for your ‘resume.’ Everyone who reads about you will form an opinion. But not a single person ever in your entire life will be in your entire life but you. Live for you and primarily you. Screw the paper trail.”

The drive for exceptional might be good fuel for some. And it might be a way of giving a life away.

Each of us decides for ourselves. And we can change our minds along the way. For me, for now, I’m embracing being super unexceptional. And I feel free.

P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

row of hanged textiles — Photo by Vidar Nordli-Mathisen on Unsplash

Monitor Your Thermostat

September 18, 2023 by Lisa Schwaller

Recently, a person I work with regularly asked how I can seem so calm in the face of high demands.

The answer is nuanced yet simple:

I’m not always calm…I just try to only take action when I’m able to show up the way I prefer. And…
I try not to let the weather other people are demonstrating set my inner thermostat.

My life. My mind. My body.

My inner weather.

One of the challenges I see in these modern times is the tendency to match intensity.

Relationship conversation getting tense? The reactions are typically intense, whether the respondent decides to exit or leaning in.

Clients frustrated and demanding? Oh, dear, escalation! React, react, react!

Yet I find that cooler heads prevail in almost every situation.

This is not something I am naturally good at.

At all. I’ve been known to be what they call “hot headed.” Yeah I am!!

That’s fine.

My reactions are normal and don’t necessarily need to be rewired.

But I can monitor my thermostat.

I know that there are at least 3 steps in response to almost every input our mind receives:

The automatic reaction
The reaction to the reaction
The choice for how to respond

We may not be able to control the automatic reaction. It’s exhausting to do so, I find.

Yet we can learn the art of reacting with compassion and self-trust to however our mind reacts.

Then we get to choose how to respond.

If a client is throwing a bona fide hissy fit, it might make me feel angry or even fearful (“did I do something wrong?”).

I can react to this reaction by saying, “Yeah, it makes sense that this would cause me to react strongly.”

Then I check my thermostat and say, “Oh, I respond best when my body is set at this temperature.”

I don’t respond when my thermostat doesn’t match my mood.

I let the temperature go down from angry to confident, then I respond.

The reverse is true, too.

If my mood is cool – disinterested, sleepy – I might warm up before I respond.

I don’t want to give a talk and be yawning from the stage, for example.

I monitor my own thermostat – MINE.

My life. My mind. My body.

My inner weather.

People around me cannot set my thermostat.

I do. My job. My privilege. My self-awareness to do so.

This is one of the recipes for a less stress, more fun life – monitoring your own thermostat and responding according to who you want to BE vs. what everyone around you is doing.

How can you use this fun metaphor to be more calm, cool, collected, and confident yourself?
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

a thermometer and a squirrel on a tree — Photo by Gary Fultz on Unsplash

4 Love Challenges to Activate Joy

February 7, 2023 by Lisa Schwaller

Love can be very, very playful. Isn’t that love at its best, really?

Today I offer you 4 playful challenges or invitations to activate more love and joy in your life this month.

#1: Tell 5 people why you love them or their work.

The first challenge is to tell 5 people that you don’t (yet) know why you love them or their work.

VERBALLY.

Yes, like generating sounds and expressing them through your face. Ha!

This could mean reaching out to someone to leave an audio chat or a voicemail.

Or, for extra love points, it could mean saying it to their face, in person or on a video call.

You can substitute these words for “love”
💜 admire

❤️ respect

💜 appreciate

❤️ support

This is such a great challenge because it spreads love and maybe invites you to be a little vulnerable and courageous…which is a type of self-love. Reaching out honors our desire to connect. So this challenge is win-win!

#2: Send a paper love note using snail mail. Yeah, with a stamp!

Consider sending:

❤️ A romantic love note

💜 A note of encouragement to a family member

❤️ A note of appreciation to a friend, colleague or even a local business owner.

I find that sitting down to write a handwritten note activates the most beautiful feeling of thought-full connection. I imagine the person receiving the note and how they might receive it.

Love notes are a fun way to bring a loving gesture into the world.

Imagine each person who touches it getting a blessing as the note travels through many hands to its destination.

#3: Apologize. Release pain.

A very powerful way to create love in the world is to release pain.

Transmute the pain into love.

Is there something that you have been wanting to apologize for, to yourself or another person?

Maybe today’s the day.

See what happens when you release regret or forgive.

Is love created in that space?

#4: Do something really, really, really loving and kind for yourself.

What would be a very loving gesture you could give yourself?

Did something pop to mind? Or did your mind draw a blank?

Here are a handful of suggestions:

💜 dance to your favorite song

❤️ make a healthful, delicious meal for yourself

💜 give yourself a hug (don’t knock this – it works!)

❤️ tell yourself how much you love and believe in yourself

💜 spend 10 minutes outside looking into the distance

❤️ write a letter to future you in 2 years

💜 turn off notifications

❤️ forgive yourself for a past choice, if it’s time to do so

Have fun! Create love! Play!

I hope these challenges are joy-full, even the ones that might ask you to be brave.

Bravery and love…what companions those two feelings are. ❤️💜

Go make the world the place you want to live in today.
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

assorted stickers — Photo by Kyle Glenn on Unsplash

Gratitude & Appreciation

November 22, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

How do you experience the concept of “gratitude”?

What about “appreciation”?

Do they feel differently to you?

We are often encouraged to develop a gratitude practice. This might include starting the day with a gratitude list or ending with one, perhaps even in a journal.

This is an amazing idea.

And I have another one to suggest: Cultivate a walk-about-your-life appreciation practice.

When I work with people, they’ll sometimes say, “I know I should be grateful. But.”

The words “should” and “but” in their thinking are clues.

We talk about what gratitude means to them. Often the answer is laden with obligation and a sense of weightiness.

They do feel grateful for the good in their life, they really do, and there is a pressure for gratitude to outweigh their feelings of doubt, concern, worry, and sadness.

In my practice, personal and professional, I have developed the following loose working definitions:

Gratitude describes that deep, soul-felt thankfulness of the gifts you have received in your life. Maybe these gifts arrived from hard work or luck or a combination of both. There is a sense of weight to these thoughts and feelings associated with “gratitude” and “grateful.” It’s an acknowledgement of receiving something that is personal to you. When unfettered by obligation, gratitude feels beautiful, grounding, deepening.
Appreciation describes a light, butterfly-like noticing, an expression of delight that something is in your view. You can appreciate personal things – people, places, and things – and yet you can appreciate that which has nothing to do with you. You can appreciate an alternative viewpoint. You can appreciate another person’s style that might be very different from your own. You can appreciate an experience that is fleeting, such as a full moon or a cloud in the shape of a dragon.

I think gratitude is wonderful, really I do.

And I think that appreciation has a lot to offer people who are working through difficult situations – including difficult thinking patterns.

And I think appreciation as a practice is easier to weave into the day. Oh, I appreciate fun pencils and the way this keyboard feels under my fingers and the “clack, clack” sounds they make and sweet dog’s sigh of contentment after breakfast.

Yes, I am grateful for having all of those things, the computer and the companionship of sweet Bailey.

It’s just that appreciation feels super fun because appreciation is light and breezy.

This week, I invite you to practice appreciation. See if the lightness of it encourages you to do more of it without the “shoulds” and “buts.”

I appreciate that you took these minutes to read this article this week.

I appreciate having this place to share my thoughts in hopes it provides usefulness to you.

And I appreciate the idea of being connected to all of you through time and space.

Have a beautiful week!
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

orange and black butterfly perched on yellow flower — Photo by Alfred Schrock on Unsplash

Leadership in Relationships

November 8, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

There are shelves in bookstores and pages in college catalogs devoted to leadership. There are advanced degrees, seminars, groups and organizations devoted to the topic.

But I think the concept of “leadership” is remarkably simple:

Knowing who you are, what you value and why
Showing up in full integrity for who you are and what you value
Doing the necessary repair if you have a fail with #2
Being clear with others how you prefer to be treated

Let’s break each one down, shall we?

Who am I and what do I value? And why?

The best way to show up as a leader, especially in relationships, is to know yourself on a very deep, realistic level.

Often people will go into relationships to fortify areas of themselves that seem missing. “I’m lonely,” they say, “and that’s why I want a partner.” Then it evolves into, “I’m lonely, so my partner should do things to remove this loneliness from me.”

And when you decide to know who you are, what you value, and why, it’s a natural extension to take personal responsibility for getting what matters most to me.

Being in a relationship with someone who is self-aware like this is an incredible experience! Then we’re there to share, not to address neglected or avoided inner work or maturity issues.

Do I show up in integrity with the decisions I’ve made about who I am and what I value?

This means knowing what you want, taking responsibility for creating those results, and owning when you fail to do so.

For example, let’s use the example of healthy eating.

Partner A wants to eat more vegetables. Partner B does not. Partner B brings home ice cream. Partner A chooses to eat it.

When Partner A is in integrity with themselves, they don’t blame Partner B for “sabotaging my eating plan!”

They know who they are and show up in integrity for themselves regardless of what’s happening around them or who’s doing what.

Being in a relationship with someone who displays the leadership of personal integrity can feel incredibly freeing. Look, two grownups sharing experiences while taking responsibility for ourselves! Pure magic!

When I make a mistake (intentionally or otherwise), do I take the steps to repair the issue?

Leadership means seeing what happens, learning the lesson, and taking corrective actions when needed.

In relationship, this means:

Seeing interactions as learning opportunities
Assuming good intent that your partner didn’t mean to be hurtful and neither did you (unless or until proven otherwise)
Apologizing
Taking steps to correct the mistake from a generous heart, not from obligation

Being in a relationship with someone who takes responsibility for mistakes can be a very deep, beautiful way to experience love and connection.

Am I clear with others how I prefer to be treated?

Boundaries, the way I practice them, are not like this: “Do what I say or you’ll get in trouble with me.”

The way I set boundaries is like this: “This is what I prefer/request. You are an adult and you always have your own agency to decide what to do. I don’t expect you to comply – you always have your choice. And…if you do X, my response will be Y.”

It’s clean. It’s clear. It’s respectful. And it avoids surprises.

It’s sharing your preferences and requests in a way that communicates your respect for your partner’s choice.

Being in a relationship with someone who sets respectful boundaries is a breath of fresh air. There are fewer surprises and less drama.

What do you think?

You have a beautiful opportunity to be a leader in every relationship you’re in, romantic, parenting, professional, and family.

And relationships where both people bring their simple, clean leadership energy are the ones that create the most beautiful outcomes.
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

two doll wearing knit caps — Photo by Anda Deea on Unsplash

People’s Opinions are Invitations

September 6, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

Do you love other people’s strongly worded opinions that are the opposite of your opinions?

People have a wide spectrum of reactions to other people’s opinions.

Some people are completely immune to the ideas of others. They could care less about what other people think, whether in general, about the world, about politics or even about them. Live and let live, they declare!

And some people are majorly, deeply, intensely offended or hurt by other people’s differing opinions.

No matter how reactive you are to other people’s opinions, this article is for you.

Keep in mind that we might not all react with the same intensity in every situation, either.

You might be more annoyed by differences in professional opinions or political views or in how the dishes should be put in the dishwasher.

In many cases, I find people are less open to…or more sensitive to…opinions when:

The opinion challenges their view of themselves.
The opinion is out of alignment with their values.
The opinion is out of alignment with their desire for how things “should” work in the world.

On the other hand, people are rarely affected by an expression of an opinion on a topic they don’t care about at all.

All opinions are arbitrary.

Your opinions about you.

Your opinions about the world.

Your opinions about how things “should” work.

Other people’s opinions are all arbitrary, too.

They are simply words that describe concepts that, yes, may influence others to adopt those opinions and act on them.

I am a life coach.

My business is literally to foster lasting, healthy change at the individual level.

And individuals collectively make up communities and societies and governments.

Everyone benefits from coaching, I believe, because coaching encourages people to be better thinkers.

Yes, that’s my opinion. And it’s also my opinion that good thinkers encourage healthy dialog in their communities.

So I present to you one of my famous reframes.

You can think of all opinions as observations. The words of the opinion are describing how that person believes and wishes the world would work.

Even more powerfully, you can decide everyone’s opinions – including yours! – are invitations.

Invitations to be curious and connect and understand.

Because open, receptive minds are open to influence, not resistant, protective, defensive minds.

When presented with an opinion you don’t like, consider asking yourself these questions:

Why do I think this person thinks this way?
How does this opinion serve them and their communities?
When did I first identify that I disagree with this opinion?
How did I learn the opinion that I hold?
What is the feeling that comes up for me when I hear the other person’s opinion?
What truth or truths would we agree on?

It can be challenging to be triggered by another person’s opinion and turn it into an invitation for self-discovery.

And yet there is so much we can learn by how we react to other people.

The next time you’re irritated, annoyed, hurt, or angry by someone’s opinion…

…take their observation as an invitation to get curious.

You might learn something that surprises you!
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

white paper and brown envelope — Photo by Kate Macate on Unsplash

When I’m 64…!

August 30, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

I am completely charmed by the song “When I’m Sixty-Four” written by Paul McCartney when he was 14.

I am quite a bit closer to being 64 now than when I first fell in love with this tune in my teen years.

When I first heard it, I liked this idea of a full yet simple life filled with family.

Recently I celebrated a birthday, one that some people consider a milestone.

For me, I celebrate in my own ways, ways that are very personal to me.

This year, I felt particularly close to my future self during birthday “season.”

What will I be like when I’m 64? Or 84?

And how will today’s choices shape that experience?

So, today, I’ll play this game publicly.

When I’m 64…

I am fit and active. I still do my regular workouts with weights and cardio in my living room for convenience.
I stretch or do yoga each day to keep those tendons flexible.
I write often, a little bit almost every day, even if only for my own eyes.
I volunteer or work part-time in a position where friendly playfulness is a part of the job.
I coach in my business almost full-time because I love to work.
I probably have no interest in gardening. I doubt I’ll have stopped feeling aversion to outside chores by then.
But I will also likely be surprised with the interests I’ve developed and the ones I’ve let go of. Maybe I do grow a green thumb – who knows?
I have a friend that I meet at least monthly for walks around the lake.
I live somewhere by a beautiful lake walking trail.
I wake early and watch the sunrise with my herbal tea on the patio.
I talk to my kids every week, even if only by text message or hologram. Ha!

When I made this list, I noticed that I didn’t think about material things but more about simple daily experiences.

I noticed my mind wanting to color in the outlines, wanting to be certain about what it’s like “there” based on what I am experiencing “here.” So human!

At 64, I want to be mentally engaged, physically peppy, and have authentic, connected social relationships.

I am open to what shifts in career and business.

And that information is good enough for me today.

It informs what I’d like to have as baseline habits.

And it creates a sense of freedom to let other things evolve as they may.

I think there is a lot of pressure these days to create a grand life, to get things “right.”

We do only live this human life once, as far as we know.

So, for me, it’s important that I like my life. I like who I am in my own company or the company of others, I like how I contribute to my community, and I appreciate the joys even when life events are sad or challenging.

What about you?

I invite you to write your own list of what you imagine life will be like when you are 64.
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

Let's stay in touch!

feelings