futureself

Exceptional Self-Listening

January 24, 2023 by Lisa Schwaller

I told myself: “Don’t answer that email yet. It really can wait. Take a minute to listen, please.”

One of my coworkers was lashing out at team members when they were offering to help solve a problem. I could feel my blood pressure rising. “This is unfair! I’m not doing her ‘homework’ again!”

I paused. Took a deep breath. Then I asked myself, “Where can I listen better in this situation?”

My shoulders dropped – I could feel the tension melting away.

Most human beings love to be human doings.

We like to get in action to solve the puzzles that make up our lives, even if the action is “to plan” or “to engage,” like responding quickly to that message.

We detect a problem or an opportunity.

We plan.

We talk.

We get in motion.

But sometimes the best way to create intentional, meaningful change is to take a few beats to just listen.

Today I want to share one of my favorite change strategies:

I have a habit of asking myself, “Where can I listen better?”

For me and a lot of my clients, the simple act of asking ourselves that question can bring up a physical response of relief and, yes, self-connection.

Pause to consider what your own experience is.

How well do you listen to yourself, to all the wisdom that you have within?

Or are you too often “doing” your way to a solution?

Here are suggestions for practicing the art of exceptional self-listening:

When you start your day, ask “What do I want to tell myself to prepare for the day ahead?”
When you’re feeling stressed or anxious, ask “What part of me am I not paying enough attention to?”
When you have a disagreement or you’re judging someone, ask “What are they trying to share that I’m not listening carefully to?” and “Is there something I want myself to know, but my frustration is blocking that wisdom?”

Listening is a powerful tool for growth.

Listening for your true, deep desires and values.

Listening for changes in your priorities.

Listening for wisdom that doesn’t need a Google search, book, or asking a friend to know what step to take next.

In fact, listening is demonstrating self-trust that you are fully capable of deciding each next step from moment-to-moment, when it’s required.

The more I listen to myself, the more confident I become and the better my decisions seem to be.

Try it. Try exceptional self-listening. You might discover your best, most trusted advisor is always within you.
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

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Celebrating 2022’s Most Impactful Relationships

December 27, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

Who did you spend the most time with in the past 11-12 months?

Yourself, of course. You are the only person you spend time with around the clock.

And you likely have a satellite of people who are in your life regularly.

Evaluating who you spend time with – and why – can be a powerful way to reflect on your year.

And reflecting on what’s working and what you want to change is a great way to approach goal setting.

Let’s review and celebrate your most impactful relationships from this year.

#1 List your most frequent interactions.

Consider the following life areas:

Family (immediate and extended)
Career/business, including day-to-day and networking partnerships
Friends
Social media, including groups you participate in
Health and community, like people at your gym or at your kid’s school

In general, who are the 1-3 people you spend time with most frequently from each one of those life areas?

Who has had the most positive impact on your world in the past year?

Are there people that you would like to spend more or less time with and…why?

The “why” part of this question is very important. Your answer reveals your values, your obstacles, and sometimes your wishes for your future. There is no judgment about completing this step – just notice what comes up for you and how your mind tells the story about it.

My closest personal relationships are with my kids because they see me at my silliest and most relaxed. I sometimes joke that I wish I could be 100% of the time the way I feel like when I’m with them.

It’s helpful to ask yourself, “How do my most frequent interactions make me feel?”

#2 List the people that you think about most often

There are the people we spend time with in direct interactions.

And many of us think about people that we don’t interact with on a regular basis.

Consider the following prompts to see who your mind thinks about frequently, in addition to the people from #1:

Old romantic relationships
Family members that you’ve lost touch with or who have passed
Friends or coworkers that you’ve lost touch with

What do you feel when you go over this list?

I have someone who appears in my dreams consistently. I used to judge myself, wonder why I wasn’t “over him,” and really felt ashamed about how often he’d appear in my dream life. After coaching myself, I realized that this person continues to have a very loving, enjoyable impact in my life…even if we hardly talk in person. I decided to make it neutral – he’s just a character in my dream stories. It didn’t have to mean a single thing about me unless I let my thinking run away with the storytelling.

It seems most people that I work with feel embarrassed to be thinking “so much” about someone who isn’t in their life anymore…or grief at someone they can’t reach out to any more. Yet it’s nothing to judge and create more stress about. Instead, noticing that you’re thinking about these people has a great deal to teach you about yourself, and can be a wonderful way to connect with the type of people you’d prefer to have in your life.

# Decide what changes you want to make moving forward

Relationships are one area of life where people seem to easily fall into routine.

Close social relationships can be challenging to cultivate in a busy life filled with work and family.

Some people tend to be more social than others, and there is a strong cultural bias for “more is more” when it comes to friendship. This expectation seems to cause a great deal of stress for many of my clients. (Aren’t we all supposed to have at least 5 mixed gender close friends that we see everyday?!?)

In the spirit of celebration, reflect on and acknowledge the strong bonds you have in your life already.

Celebrate the information that comes from reviewing your most frequent actual and imagined relationships over the past year.

I did this exercise myself before writing it up for you. I was reminded that the people I let into my world have a great deal of impact over where I spend my focus, not just my minutes. Some communities just “vibe” better with the behaviors and characteristics that I want to cultivate. Checking in to evaluate my relationship focus helps me be more intentional in this important area of my life. I celebrate those who are traveling with me…and the wishes I have to refine my most impactful relationships in the coming year.
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

Celebrating 2022’s Most Frequent Thoughts & Feelings

December 13, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

It’s hard to believe another calendar year is coming to a close.

Has it been what you expected?

What did you accomplish?

I’ve become a believer in the art and delight of celebration.

Part of celebrating means “reverse engineering” what worked well and why.

As part of reflecting on your previous 11-12 months, I invite you to fill in the following prompts:

#1 List your most frequent THOUGHTS (3-5 thoughts/life area)

Have you ever noticed – really, really noticed – the constant stream of thinking?

There’s the thinking you “hear” and then all the thinking that doesn’t even catch your attention.

Here’s a scenario: Next time you are parked at a stoplight, notice the thinking.

You might notice the “about them” thoughts: “That car sure is going fast…” or “I wonder where they’re going today…”

Then there’s the thinking you don’t even notice – paying attention to the lights, whether anyone’s in the crosswalks, keeping your foot on the brake. There’s so much thinking that you don’t even pay attention to or you might lose your mind. Ha!

Now, think of your largest projects in the past year, things like your health, your business or career, your family, your romantic relationship, the relationship with yourself.

Write down all of those life areas and list your top 3-5 thoughts about each one.

Are your habitual thoughts expansive, loving, and creative?

Or are they contractive, judgmental, and limit your possibilities?

When you’re done with this exercise, you might see opportunities to practice new thoughts in each of your primary life areas next year. List 2-3 thoughts you’d love to practice on purpose.

#2 List your most frequent FEELINGS (3 “expansive” or “positive” and 3 “contractive” or “negative”)

Most of us have feeling habits.

Our habit feelings come from our habitual, default, unexamined thinking.

Reflecting back on the year past, what are your most common feelings?

I don’t like to label feelings “positive” or “negative” but it is a shortcut description for most of us.

Feelings are powerful indicators of where our minds are at.

I do not expect myself to be “happy” or “positive” all the time. I mean, goodness!, my dog has no worries in this life and sometimes she’s impatient and worried like during a noisy thunder storm.

All humans with our sophisticated minds have a range of high vibe and low vibe feelings.

What are your most common go-to feelings?

Look at those life areas again. Write your top feelings for each one.

You might see “business/career” and feel proud, stuck, challenged, bored, supported, or frustrated.

When you see your most frequent feelings, do you see opportunities for adjustments?

What changes would you like to make next year?

#3 Decide what you’d like to practice next year

The exercises to write down your list of most frequent thoughts and feelings is essentially an invitation to increase awareness of your habit of mind.

After all, we become what we think, feel, and do on repeat.

The coming new year is a wonderful opportunity to reflect on what you want to create in your life.

When you know what you want to create, you can reverse engineer your way into what you’d likely be thinking and feeling to make those wishes come true.

And I, for one, really believe you can make your dreams come true.

Let’s have fun with these exercises…and see what we learn about ourselves in the process!
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

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Do You LOVE Future You?

November 1, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

One of the strategies I use as a coach to understand my client’s primary mindset is to ask:

“How’s the relationship with your future self?”

This question is, admittedly, fairly open ended. My client’s reactions are useful information. Do they ask for clarification? And, if they understand the concept of future self, what is their reaction – joy, grief, wistful?

One client said, yes, they do imagine their future self. I asked for a time frame (another treasure-seeking question). She said, “One year out…but that’s what I was saying a year ago.”

Then I asked, “Imagine she sat down with us right now. What is your reaction?”

She started to cry. Then she told me how they didn’t think their future self would want to spend time with them.

I hear some version of this frequently.

Yes, I can imagine a future self…but they are so unlike me as to be another person altogether.

Or, I can’t even conceptualize how I could be different in the future…often because their vision is focused on the past.

Developing a relationship with your Future Self can be a powerful, powerful tool for change.

And…

Most people design a future self who is so two dimensional and aspirational that they can’t even imagine that it’s still them.

But the future you is…well…you!

Let’s make this practical.

Ask yourself if you can imagine your Future Self. Try timeframes of 10 years, 1 year, 1 month, and 1 day.
If you can imagine yourself 10 years from now, what are they like? Bring them to life in your mind with as much detail as you can. Who do they spend time with? What work do they do? How do they dress? What is their level of health and fitness?
Ask if you would like to spend time with them. Why or why not?
Ask if they would like to spend time with you. Why or why not?

What do you learn when you bring this relationship to life?

Now do the exercise again with how you imagine Future You tomorrow. Note the differences.

Finally, ask yourself what adjustments you’d like to make to your vision.

From personal experience, I realized that my Future Self was modeled on people I admire.

This is great but I discovered that my Future Self and I didn’t have a lot in common.

This idealized Future Me was living in a way that totally didn’t match my current experience, which made Future Self a tool that made me feel more disconnected from my possibility and potential, not less.

I made it a matter of priority to develop a mental image of Future Me that is very, very much me. She’s not “better” than me. She’s even more me than I am!

I feel incredible, unconditional love for Future Me. I practice loving her in thought and action to the best of my ability.

Don’t feel like the workout? Or the salad? Or going to bed when planned?

I’d do these things for the person I love the most, Future Me, same as I care for my children and sweet dog.

When Today Me wants to quit, I ask, “How will I feel about this tomorrow?”

And that can make decision making remarkably effortless and joyful.

I invite you to do this exercise once a month for a year and see what happens.

I use a service called FutureMe.org. On the first day of the month, I write myself a letter for the first day of the next month that gets sent on schedule to my email. Forming this relationship with myself over time is nothing less than transformational.

Try it. Drop me a note to share your results!
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

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Too Much of a Good Thing

October 18, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

Sometimes I think our modern life has too many good things.

And a surprising side effect of having many attractive choices is stress.

These days, we probably all know the meaning of the acronyms FOMO and JOMO.**

We have a wealth of entertainment options. Career options. Even dating options.

I think about what my grandmother’s life was like 50 years ago, and her grandmother’s life.

They didn’t have many choices for friends, entertainment, or romantic partners.

They didn’t have career options to speak of.

If they had jam for toast, they probably grew the fruit and canned it themselves.

Going out to eat wasn’t a thing.

Vacations weren’t either, really, except maybe to visit family.

And social media? Not even!

Life was fairly predictable for most people.

That is not the case anymore.

We can reinvent ourselves at any age.

We can travel or even vicariously experience the globe through the resources on the internet.

These days, we often ask ourselves,

“What makes me happy?”

My grandmother probably had a simple answer to the question. I doubt she thought of her life in those terms in the first place.

Stress is the surprising flip side to this abundance of choices and suggestions and access to opportunity.

But…what’s the stress about, really?

Here are a few reasons I see in my coaching sessions:

Desire: There’s so much for us to desire, from amazing material belongings to opulent experiences to relationships based on connection instead of survival. The list of “things you can long for” seems never ending.
Comparison: It’s incredibly easy to get a view into our extended family’s life, our neighbor’s vacations, and the inside experience of celebrity. It’s normal for our minds to compare ourselves to the images we see.
Ease: We expect our modern life to be characterized by ease, peace, prosperity, and health. This is an expectation certainly not found around the world. It’s definitely not the expectation my grandmother or our ancestors had for their lives.

What would you add to that list?

How do you handle the stress that comes from too much of a good thing?

One one hand, it’s wonderful that we live in an era with so much opportunity.

And, yes, I champion having more safety and physical health, even ease, for people everywhere.

At the same time, I think we are wise to notice if we are experiencing too many of these good things.

If you are feeling the stress from too many choices, too much desire, too much comparison, consider the following practices:

Appreciation and Gratitude: Yes, it’s not a new suggestion, but it’s a good one! Spend time regularly – maybe even daily – connecting with what you appreciate the most in your life and the experiences for which you are most grateful.
Connect with something larger than yourself: Volunteer. Spend time in nature. Garden. Take care of someone who needs extra support.
Choose “Now” often: Being present with what is is a powerful antidote to stress. Ask yourself, “What is lacking in this exact moment?” Most of the time, most people have what they need in each individual moment.
Generosity: This concept can mean many things. Perhaps you can be generous with your kind feedback, with your friendship, and your monetary resources.

This week, notice if you experience stress or anxiety when you want more to be happy. Take note of what you’re thinking that’s creating the stress. Then, with love and kindness, you can perhaps choose something else that brings you into a space of abundance, presence and generosity instead of desire and expectation.

P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

** FOMO = fear of missing out; JOMO = joy of missing out

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When I’m 64…!

August 30, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

I am completely charmed by the song “When I’m Sixty-Four” written by Paul McCartney when he was 14.

I am quite a bit closer to being 64 now than when I first fell in love with this tune in my teen years.

When I first heard it, I liked this idea of a full yet simple life filled with family.

Recently I celebrated a birthday, one that some people consider a milestone.

For me, I celebrate in my own ways, ways that are very personal to me.

This year, I felt particularly close to my future self during birthday “season.”

What will I be like when I’m 64? Or 84?

And how will today’s choices shape that experience?

So, today, I’ll play this game publicly.

When I’m 64…

I am fit and active. I still do my regular workouts with weights and cardio in my living room for convenience.
I stretch or do yoga each day to keep those tendons flexible.
I write often, a little bit almost every day, even if only for my own eyes.
I volunteer or work part-time in a position where friendly playfulness is a part of the job.
I coach in my business almost full-time because I love to work.
I probably have no interest in gardening. I doubt I’ll have stopped feeling aversion to outside chores by then.
But I will also likely be surprised with the interests I’ve developed and the ones I’ve let go of. Maybe I do grow a green thumb – who knows?
I have a friend that I meet at least monthly for walks around the lake.
I live somewhere by a beautiful lake walking trail.
I wake early and watch the sunrise with my herbal tea on the patio.
I talk to my kids every week, even if only by text message or hologram. Ha!

When I made this list, I noticed that I didn’t think about material things but more about simple daily experiences.

I noticed my mind wanting to color in the outlines, wanting to be certain about what it’s like “there” based on what I am experiencing “here.” So human!

At 64, I want to be mentally engaged, physically peppy, and have authentic, connected social relationships.

I am open to what shifts in career and business.

And that information is good enough for me today.

It informs what I’d like to have as baseline habits.

And it creates a sense of freedom to let other things evolve as they may.

I think there is a lot of pressure these days to create a grand life, to get things “right.”

We do only live this human life once, as far as we know.

So, for me, it’s important that I like my life. I like who I am in my own company or the company of others, I like how I contribute to my community, and I appreciate the joys even when life events are sad or challenging.

What about you?

I invite you to write your own list of what you imagine life will be like when you are 64.
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

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Ask Amazing Questions

August 16, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

As students, we are taught to use questions as part of learning the skill of research and analysis.

In fact, there’s even a Wikipedia page on the “Five Ws.”

Most of us are familiar with these questions, in a certain order: who, what, where, when, why…and how.

Outside of our studies/work, however, most of us use these questions against ourselves:

Who…am I, should I be, is watching me (and are they judging me)?
What…is wrong with me, went wrong in the past, or will go wrong in the future?
Where…did I go wrong, will this lead?
When…did it start, will it stop, will I be able to finally relax?
Why…is this happening, can’t I get this right, can’t I figure this out, are they like that, am I like this?
HOW!? I need to know how NOW!

These questions rarely engage excellence in problem solving and they aren’t great for your relationship with yourself and others, either.

The two question words that show up most commonly in my coaching practice are “why” and “how.” These can be amazing questions, yet most people are not exploring “why” and “how” to their fullest potential.

We are often conditioned that asking “why” about our past will reveal a path forward.

Your past may be informative, even instructive, and yet your decisions are made from your present self for your future, no past input required. Using the past to decide what’s possible for you can be limiting.

And, of course, a lot of people want something or someone outside themselves to tell them “how.”

They want a certain recipe for success.

They want to know how the movie ends before they watch it.

With movies, we generally don’t like when someone reveals the twists, turns and endings…

And yet we want someone to take the responsibility for our “how” to avoid discomfort in our lives.

But your life doesn’t have a recipe. It’s thousands of opportunities to choose each day for all the days of your life.

So…what’s the alternative to these limiting, confusion and frustration and self-judgment inducing questions?

Consider these questions:

Who…do I want to be in the story of my life?
What…do I want to create with my life this year, or in 3 years, or in 10 years?
Where…can I create this? Where…does this choice lead?
Why…do I want to do this?
How…will I know I’m on track? How…can I enjoy the journey? How…can I show up for the relationship with myself and my life with this choice?
When… Use “when” if it serves the other questions or helps set a target for something you’d like to create.

A great way to ask better questions is to connect with who you want to become.

Imagine a version of you that you’d be so happy to meet.

This is a version of you that you are proud of and you feel so excited about what they’ve done.

Try to avoid letting your mind go into “will never happen” or “when” thinking.

Just connect with a version of you that makes you say “hell, yeah!”

Interview that person.

Who are they?
What have they created?
Where are they headed in the future?
Why do they make the choices they make?
How were they able to accomplish the things they are most proud of?
And…for the when question… When can you talk to that supportive, loving future self again?

Note that this amazing future version of you is a real person…if you literally create them from the thoughts you think today and the actions you take now.

Use questions – better questions – to tap into this vision and then connect to what you can do right now…today.

Was this helpful for you?
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

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How to: The Change Cycle

July 26, 2022 by Lisa Schwaller

Do you know how to change your life?

I believe that you do. After all, your life likely looks very different than when you were 4 years old or 14 years old.

Yet confidence in your ability to change can seem elusive when you are pursuing goals that stretch you into a new self-concept.

It can be exciting to set a target, to focus your mind on something you want to create in your life.

But, of course, there might be setbacks and disappointments along the path to that change.

The speed bumps you encounter might drain the batteries from your “new goal” excitement.

These detours – especially the ones in our minds – are part of the process.

Consider this approach when traveling the “try, try again” path to lasting change.

Stage #1 – Awareness

We’ll use a simple analogy to bring the change cycle to life. Consider getting an email. The first step is seeing, “Ah, yes, new email.”

You are aware.

Let’s say you want to create a habit of being consistent with an exercise plan.

The first awareness is the desire: “I want to get in shape.” or “I want to be healthier in 3 years than I am today.”

At the same time, it helps to hone the skill of being aware of your resistance.

Thoughts like “I always quit, so why will anything be different now?” or “I worry that I’ll let myself down again.”

Feelings like uncertain, discouraged, inadequate, anxious or overwhelmed might rise up inside your body, begging for distraction or relief.

Stay with awareness. Be willing to notice what’s coming up for you without acting on an urge to make the resistance go away.

Stage #2 – Curious

The second stage is neutral curiosity. For the email, “What’s this about?”

When you’re changing your life, staying in the position of a neutral scientist will massively amplify your results.

Ask open ended questions like “What is this showing me?” and “How can I learn from my thoughts/feelings?” and “What would it be like to stay with this discomfort without pushing it away or quitting?”

Having an attitude of curiosity encourages you to collect data and analyze the results from a neutral position.

Stage #3 – Context

Next, see what you are making your thoughts and feelings mean. That email is mere pixels on a screen until you make it mean something about you and your life.

Perhaps you are feeling discouraged about missing a week of exercise. What is the meaning your mind is making about it?

It might be “See, here we go, giving up!” or “I always sabotage myself!”

Resistance doesn’t usually feel friendly or helpful. It often sounds judgmental and right/wrong in tone.

From that curious awareness, see if you are adding a layer of story on top of your experience.

Stage #4 – Decision/Commitment

Okay! You’re aware (this is happening), curious (I wonder what I can see from my experience), and you see the context your mind is creating (ah, yes, I see the storytelling there…).

Now is your chance to decide. What commitment do you want to make?

This isn’t a recommitment to your goal, per se.

This is an invitation to decide how you want to treat yourself at this moment.

Do you want to choose encouragement? “I know I didn’t exercise last week. The past is gone. What’s on plan for today?”

Do you want to choose playfulness? “Oh, Resistance, you’re such a dramatic character! Surely it’s not as bad as all that?!?”

You get to decide how to talk to yourself along the path to change.

How can you be your most enthusiastic champion, your unflagging supporter, your own best friend?
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with my podcast, “Less Stress, More Fun.” Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes are short (14-18 mins, on average), smart (lots of research) and fun (especially if you love 80s music).

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