stress

When you are feeling stressed out, where is your mind?

For some, stress keeps us in short-term worries.

We sometimes can’t see a long-term future that is different from the stress we are experiencing now, and that clouds our ability to show up solving problems.

I am overwhelmed at work…and I can’t see a time when it won’t seem that way.

My kid is in trouble at school…and I see more trouble in front of them.

I am sick and getting behind at work…and it’s going to be hard to get caught up.

Stress can make our mental world very small. 

Here are ways you can tell if your mind is in stressful short-term thinking:

• Your mind is asking “what if…” on a loop.
• The thinking is primarily negative.
• There’s a sense of worry or overwhelm.
• The mind is “this or that” – it’s suggesting limited options.
• Your mind can’t focus on a step to take next because you’re worried about making a wrong move.

One of the best ways to know if your mind is in a short-term thinking loop that’s amplifying your stress response is to pay attention to your body.

Is your breathing shallow?

Are you doing a lot of small movements that seem a little frantic?

Maybe you’re mentally creating a long to-do list, scrolling up and down your inbox but not picking a single email to tackle, wanting to escape by eating or venting to a friend.

Is your mind asking questions like “What’s going to happen?” or “Why is this happening to me?” or even “When will this stop?”

When you notice these or similar behaviors, ask yourself:

“What time is it in my mind right now?” or “What day am I thinking about right now?”

These are unusual questions that can introduce a mental pause.

Is your mind focused on what it can do now to take action…or is it spinning out?

There are the usual stress relief techniques like breathing, and those can certainly be helpful.

Yet often the mind will continue to spin or ruminate on its previous topic if we don’t’ connect with our thinking.

Asking an unusual question is like introducing a hazard on the road – it makes your brain pay attention.

Here are other example questions that can short-circuit stressful short-term thinking:

• What would Beyonce do? (or Chandler Bing or any other person, real or imagined)
• Which superhero could solve this problem?
• What would a tiger do about this situation? (or a bunny or a squirrel or your dog)

Choose an interrupting question that’s a little silly and open-ended (not answered by a simple “yes” or “no).

The point is to get yourself to see that the thinking is in a loop instead of using your mind power to take a step toward a solution you want to create.

Thought interrupting questions can pull you back into thinking about solutions, including solutions that will serve you well over time.

Then you can ask:

“What will this situation look like for me in 5 years?” Allow yourself to explore the worst case and best case and other scenarios in between.

From that longer term vantage point, you can better decide what you’ll do next.

You might be able to truly calm your nervous system and tap into your mind’s better thinking.
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.

Are mistakes okay?

Answer with your gut, not the motivational speaker’s response to “fail your way to success.”

Is it okay to make mistakes?

In my culture, both the broader culture and the subculture that was my extended family, mistakes were super, really totally not okay.

They meant you f’ed up and should have planned better and should have been paying more attention.

Failure was not an option.

Failure was the catalyst for punishment. And that punishment might be verbal shaming or worse.

I learned that mistakes were not okay and worked really, really hard to avoid them.

In school, mistakes cost you the highest prizes and tiers of acceptance.

In friendships, mistakes cost you socially.

At work, mistakes can be the source of a lot of meetings to discuss why mistakes were made.

Who dropped the ball?

For people of marginalized identities, mistakes carry even more weight.

Are mistakes okay?

Of course not, not for many people.

They are a source of guilt, shame, sadness and regret among other things.

I see this constantly in my coaching practice and, yes, in myself.

We spin in mental circles trying to “get it right,” whatever that means. 

If I have information, I’ll choose the right answer and avoid a mistake.

If I take time to decide, I’ll choose the right option and avoid a mistake.

If I get something wrong, the outcome of that decision will weigh deeply in my heart and become part of my character.

Good, responsible people get things right.

But…

Have you lived your life before?

How are we supposed to avoid mistakes?

I mean…really?

It’s one thing to get an incorrect answer to a math test question. The stakes might be considered low in that situation.

It’s another to try to decide what job will suit us best when we’ve never applied our skills in that particular environment before. Will taking that job be a mistake? 

There is literally only one way to find out most things in our life…to just do them.

As my kids have grown and the longer I’ve been a coach, the more my attitude is shifting towards the concept of mistakes.

We think that pressure to avoid making mistakes will result in fewer disruptions to our lives.

And it means that a lot of people learn to think and act small instead of from self-confidence and experimentation.

Innovation is built on a mountain of mistakes. Inaccuracies. Failures.

I think that’s why so many people retreat to social media, TV or even learning. Those activities are a beautiful way to avoid trying something we might not be good at doing and all that messy emotional baggage of making mistakes.

This year I’ve been working on deconditioning my reactions to feedback.

I’ve been practicing being okay with errors.

First, most errors or mistakes are a matter of perspective and interpretation. There is little in life that’s truly right or wrong.

Second, when I react with shame or defensiveness, I expend energy that could be used more productively. I shrink. Frankly, for me, I see how my reaction is out of proportion to the stimulus. So if someone points something out, I can say, “Okay. Thanks. I’ll look into it.” without making their words mean anything about who I am as a person.

Do you want less stress in your life? More fun?

Embrace mistakes, yours and others. It’s part of the human experience.

Try to see the lesson and humanity when something doesn’t go as expected. 

Most people don’t wake up in the morning saying, “Awesome, I can’t wait to screw up today!”

Mistakes are made by humans.

And, yes, we’re all human.

Consider your relationship with the concept of “mistakes.” Is there anything you’d want to choose differently for yourself?
P.S. I invite you to fall in love with the “Less Stress, More Fun” podcast. Subscribe today! Each week’s episodes offer smart, fun ideas to reduce stress and boost your sense of playfulness.