thought work

You made a mistake. You are working on forgiving yourself by thinking helpful thoughts.

Time to move on. 

Do you think you deserve second chances? How do you feel about other people getting second chances?

Do you think some mistakes are so unforgivable that the person should never get another chance?

A lot of stress in our relationships – including the one with ourselves! – is the feeling that past performance is an indicator of future results. 

Maybe that’s true sometimes. 

Maybe not. 

What if every choice, every interaction, every chance is a new start? 

One of my favorite phrases is this:

“You win or you learn.”

You wouldn’t see a baby learning to walk and say, “Yeah, pfft, that kid will never learn. She should stick to crawling.”

But we say that to ourselves and the people in our lives all day long. 

A key part of coaching is the belief that each day brings a new chance. 

It’s your thoughts and actions TODAY that matter to me as your coach. What you did yesterday was learning. I believe everything is possible to you today and tomorrow no matter what you did yesterday or last year or what happened to you when you were 8. 

The power of coaching is the belief that we get unlimited chances and have unlimited opportunity. 

How. Cool. Is. That?

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Last time, we talked about noticing your response to making mistakes.

I suggested that how you view mistakes and how you feel about yourself when you make them is a contributor to your stress.

You and I are going to make mistakes. No matter how we plan and prepare, sometimes things do not go the way we expect them to go. 

We might mess up when no one notices, or in front of someone important to us. 

Some of us have a really strong self-critical response to making a mistake. 

“How could I have been so stupid to…?”

“When will I ever learn that…?”

“I knew I wasn’t good enough for…”

Forgiving yourself isn’t a woo-woo self-care exercise. It’s a key part of managing your brain. It’s essential to developing the resiliency to handle stress. 

A few thoughts on your self-talk when you make a mistake:

• When you make a mistake, do you talk to yourself like you’d talk to your child or your best friend?
• Where did you learn to talk to yourself like that? 
• When you make a mistake, is how you talk to yourself helpful?

At the end of the day, the secret to managing stress is to love yourself so much that you develop the habit of noticing your thoughts and choosing ones that help you. 

You may worry that being nice to yourself will encourage you to “get away with” sub-standard behavior. I think being critical is a blocker to managing your stress for better performance. 

So, you made a mistake. How do you move on? Perhaps think helpful thoughts like:

• Well, now I learned a way that I do NOT want to do this next time.
• Humans make mistakes. I’m human. Chances are, I’ll make a mistake too, then. 

When you think helpful thoughts, you open the door to a second chance which I’ll talk about next time. 

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How do you feel when you make a mistake?

Do you have a different feeling when you make a big mistake instead of a small mistake?

Do you feel differently about your mistake when only you notice versus when the mistake happens in front of someone else?

Understanding how you respond to your missteps is a key part of learning how to control your stress. 

Stress is usually about unmet expectations, for yourself or the situations and people in your life. 

The word “should” is an indicator that your mind might be generating stress.

Recently I had an experience where I felt like I made a big mistake. I’ve worked very deliberately to become a “better” version of myself. On that night, I stepped into an old habit and it happened in front of someone else. Someone that I’m trying to “convince” that I’ve “changed.” 

So many things are wrong with that situation, including trying to craft my behaviors to get a response from someone else. For now, though, we’ll stick with me feeling like I’d made a “big mistake” and “blew it” – meaning I risked the relationship I am trying to cultivate. My mind went crazy. 

You know that phrase “the beatings will continue until morale improves”? Yep. That was me, 100%, in my brain.

I’ve noticed that I have often seen mistakes as evidence that I wasn’t smart or good enough, or that behavior changes weren’t going to “stick”. 

That thinking generates a lot of stress for me. 

This week, pay attention to how you talk to yourself about your mistakes. Pay attention to events that you label mistakes. 

Next time, we’ll talk about the process of forgiving ourselves in a new way. 

I want to be your coach! Sign up for a free consultation.  

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What is stress?

It’s such a common topic of conversation. Stress. Stress out. Too much stress.

But…what is stress?

I think most of us would describe stress as…

• A feeling
• A situation
• Something that is created when life gets busy
• Something that is created by the demands from other people

Consider the following, though.

Can you create your own stress? 

How can 2 people have different responses to one situation that “causes” the “stress”?

I know that this is getting a little meta, but consider opening your mind to the idea that stress is nothing more than a word describing a set of internal, mental responses.

Is riding on a roller coaster fun? Scary? Stressful? What about a scary movie? Would you describe that as stressful?

Today’s challenge is to start to pay attention to when you use the word “stress”. What exactly are you labeling?

What if…it was not the situation that caused you stress…but your mental reaction to that situation?

Reflect on that today. You might start to notice something shift in your awareness. 

I love working with people who are “stressed out”. Teaching you to control your stress and rise above it lets you make decisions from a clean, clear powerful place.

I want to be your coach! Sign up for a free consultation.  

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